Uarieties.

Hawke's Bay Times, Volume 14, Issue 709, 16 August 1869, Page 1 (Supplement)

Uarieties.

Wisdom is the olive which springs from the heart, blooms on the tongue, and bears fruit iu the action.

A Barrel Organ.—A Kentucky newspaper announces that it is " the organ of the people and of the Bourbon whisky trade."

When may a ship be said to be iu love ? When she's attached to a buoy; or when she's making up to a man-of-war.

Why does the commerce of Great Britain, as represented by the Gladstone Ministry, present a strange anomaly ? Because, though its trade is Briglit, its exchequer is Lowe. "Didn't you guarantee, sir, that the horse wouldn't shy before the fire of the enemy ? " "No more he won't," said the dealer. " 'Tisn't until after the fire that he shies."

" Where a woman," says Mrs Partington," has once married with a congealing heart, and one that beats desponding to her own, bhe will never want to enter the maritime state again." A New Year Apology.—An American paper, on the Ist of January, said: " Our article on the flight of time is necessarily omitted, owing to the absence of our flighty editor." Creditors are like corns—they are always reminding one where the shoe pinches. The only way to get rid of them is to cut them—and that won't prevent them coming again.—Tomahawk. Official Wit.—The Westport Times says the following bon mot has been posted in the Warden's office: —" For the satisfaction of persons who are unwilling to take off their -hats in this office, it is hereby notified that none but gentlemen are expected to do so.—Joseph Giles."

Feminine Eloquence. —An American young lady the other day in the course of a lecture said : " Get married, young man, and be quick about it too. Don't wait for the millennium, hoping that the girls may turn to angels before you trust yourself to one of them. A pretty thing you would be alongside an angel, wouldn't you, you brute! " The Übiquitous Nation. —The following jjtory was told about the Turkish troubles just before the outbreak of the Crimean war. A Kussian General arrived at Constantinople to have an interview with a Turkish Pasha. Entering the presence, lie found the Pasha seated on a divan, arrayed in the habit of a Turk; but the two had no sooner cast eyes upon each other, than the following dialogue ensued:—Russian General: " What! is that yo°u, Sandv Macpherson ? " Turkish Pasha: "Eh ! Jock Macdonald, who'd hae thocht o' meetin' you here?"

Tom Sayers and Alcohol. —In training for great muscular exertions, ardent spirits and malt liquors are strictly prohibited. Those who think that alcohol produces strength, should ponder the remark of Tom Sayers, who, when preparing for a great prize-fight, was asked : " Well, Thomas, I suppose you use plenty of beef-steak, London porter, and pale ale ? " The hoxer replied, "In my time I have druuk more than was good for me, but when I have business to do there's nothing like water and the dumb-bells." After retiring from " business," he took to drink, and died. Cold water made him a Samson; alcohol laid him in his grave.

A Black months since, when Lucretia Borgia was being done with slow murder at an American theatre, the death-like silence that prevailed was suddenly interrupted by the sobbings of some tender-hearted female whose sympathetic soul was keenly alive to the unfortunate condition of the destined victims. A modest young man became anxious to know the female whose heart, like his own, was so susceptible to human feeling. While the young Borneo was looking round from the parquette, and scanning the countenances of the fair ones, he thought lie experienced a sensation as if something was upon his head. Baising his hand, he found, to his delight, that some young lady had accidentally dropped her cambric handkerchief from the box above. Our young Borneo soon began to discover that there was an opportunity for him to display his gallantry. He arose, and after privately pressing the cambric to his lips, extended it, delicately secured between the tips of his fingers, for the fair claimant to take possession of. At this moment a head protruded over the gallery above, and cried in a low but distinct voice, "Chuck it up, sah!" The young man suddenly raised his eye's, and beheld the blackest wench that ever white man looked upon. He dropped almost lifeless into his seat, and a favoured few, who chanced to view this ludicrous scene, burst into an uncontrollable fit of laughter,