CURIOSITIES OF THE PARIS EXPOSITION.

Hawke's Bay Times, Volume XIII, Issue 561, 19 March 1868, Page 3

CURIOSITIES OF THE PARIS EXPOSITION.

(From tho New York Tribune.)

Paris. Oet. 15, 1807. One of the most striking marvels of the Exposition is the Divau Piano with stool, “a combination and a form indeed,” ne’er laid down in any other than Yankee philosophy. “ The ap phcant claims that his piano can he used a bed, bureau, wash-stand, and book-case—the stool also being fitted up with drawers, looking-glass, workbox, and writing-desk!” Here is the theory of multum in parvu enforced to the verge of distraction, fur the human mind, grows dizzy in the attempt to realise so marvellous a conception. Fancy the novel sensation of playing Beethoven one moment, going to bed on your piano the next, putting your clothes away in a wash-stand, and washing your face in a bureau! literally sitting withal on pins and needles, to say nothing of a looking-glass and a bottle of ink! What matters the high price of gold, when one may set up room-keeping with a Divan Piano? By the addition of a “peeress cookingstove, a patent coal-scuttle, “imper vious to dust and water, whose bottom will never rust out,” and a coffeeroaster, in which “coffee goes twice as far as that cooked by ordinary methods,” one may even aspire to house-keeping. Complain not of the high price of coal for there is now an artificial fuel made from anthracite coal dust, and though eggs be six cents a piece “with an upward tendency,” you perennially rejoice in a concentration of the same, condensed so a to keep fresh and pure in any climate for any number of years. Nor need you be economical in the use of time when you can have all there is, and with no *VTPrfiiin fn xmnrcplf Ktr tll6 linrchase of a clock that may be kept in constant motion “by the variation of the atmospheric pressure, which will act as an agent to wind up the same.” If, however, you are spoiled by the Divan Piano for any article of fund ture which is nut an inanimate jack of-all-trades, you can struggle fur the possession of the “American Combination Casket, which contains six drawers, a writing-desk, table, workstand, a musical clock adorned with arches and wreaths, the latter formed of the furs and skins of American animals interlined with the feathers, quills, and eggs of American birds ; produc tions of the mines, of the forest, and of agriculture, also figure in this casket, the whole being surmounted by the great American eagle, accompanied w ith portraits.”

O, we cannot give expression to our hearts' deepfelt emotion, at the thought of this ingenious, mas-ter-piece. and already we hear Frenchmen exclaim “ Vat a peoples! vat a peoples/” In this Casket we view the sequel of the Divan Piano—one is the complement of the other. As the latter does not furnish a table, and as it might not be particularly appetising to make one’s meals off a wash-stand, the Casket fills up the abhorred vacuum. What “the productions of the mines, and of agriculture,” means exactly, we are not prepared to say; but doubtless the phrase is to be taken in a Pickwickian sense. “ The Bird o’ Freedom,” that has flapped its wings in the face of no less than Imperial Majesty, speaks for itself. Doubtless those wings are wide spread, and the accompanying portraits, which of course represent the Presidents of the United States, probably form a patriotic festoon about the noble bird as a practical illustration of the nation’s motto, E Pluribus Unum. People cannot long continue to make excessively moist, uncomfortable bodies of themselves, for drowning will soon be reckoned among the lost arts. Ho w can it be otherwise, when there are “patent life-preserving mattresses,” on which, upon an emergency, one may make the voyage across the Atlantic, and “ life*saving rafts” that, in the short space of seven minutes, can be inflated and put in readiness? Mattresses and rafts, however, will be entirely unnecessary when we have become convinced of the feasibility of the " unsubmersible vessel,” which can be raised at will over snoal bars, sand banks, &c.. by the use and application of an apparatus already patented in the United States. Nor will it be unsafe to go to sea in a bowl, in imitation of the three wise men of Gotham, when wo shall have become impregnated with the idea of “ sellescope,” an in-, strument for indicating the atmospheric

changes preceding heavy weather, and to be used ultimately in pre-determin-ing all great storms. Still nearer to millennium shall we be upon the establishment of lines of “ revolving steamships.” Do not your eyes grow large as saucers at the suggestion of a system of steam navigation “ in which the screws or paddle-wheels revolve around tbs bent v/bich is pluccci inside and swings on axle-bearing or frictionwheels?” It is asserted that the speed will be equal, if not superior, to thm of railroads, and that these ships will run either upon the ocean or upon glacial seas. Ariel will have a formidable rival, and incipient Sir John Franklins and Dr Kones are destined to comfortable, inglorious deaths. We shall trip across the Atlantic to pass a night in London, and a run up to Walrussia, via the North Pole will be the most stylish sort of a sleigh-ride.

Whether it is worth while to be a work of nature unadorned when it is so excessively easy to be a work of art, is a question which human invention seems to have settled in favor of itself. Nature has been snubbed to such an extent as to have given up the contest, and retired into the country, where, after long searching, she may be found. We have, however, always had a prejudice in favor of real over artificial eyes, but so exquisitely are the latter made naw that no one need mourn tho loss of the former. Their coltfr is brilliant, their lustre never grows dim. It is true that yon cannot see out of them, hut as there are none so blind as those that w r on’L see, and as the majority of mankind may be classed in this category, artifice has a decided advantage even here, and art defies nature to her very teeth ; age is cheated of his former triumphs ; hollow cheeks are no more distinguishable than hollow hearts, for there be “ artificial teeth with continuous gums, as also attach

meats for restoring the contour of the face.” But if there live those who prefer lo grow their own teeth, and to remain in consequence victims to dentists, these infatuated individuals will rejoice to hear of an invention called the “ Saliva Pump.” The object of this instrument is “to facilitate the dental operation of filling or plugging the teeth of the lower jaw, and to prevent the saliva from wetting them while the work is going on. It consists in means for holding the tongue away from the teeth; also for supporting the upper jaw, and so assisting the muscles which keep the mouth open, and in pumping the saliva out of the mouth as fast as it is discharged by the glands. The several divers by which these objects are brought about, com pose one instrument.” The moment pain is accompanied by excitement, it becomes a modified form of pleasure. To sit with your head in a vice, one dentistical arm compressing your brains, the other compressing your luugs, your mouth at the same time, being a receptacle for a napkin, a nap-kin-holder, together with a variety of instruments, which, for want of lech nical nomenclature, we will call pile drivers; to endure all this, we repeat, is martyrdom, none the less heroic for never having been canonized. Add to it a series of “ divers” busily rushing in and out of the mouth, as also the possibility of consequent strangulation, and the dentist’s chair becomes the centre of a morbid fascination. Then there are artificial limbs, most admirably fashioned. It is the intention, we believe, to secure the services, of the most promising cripple in America, for the purpose of giving him an entire outfit of arms and legs, and sending him to Paris as a triumph of art over accident.

No longer need the South of America live in fear of its mortal enemy. Yellow Jack, His rAirm r»f tcrrnr Kota ccmo ♦,-»

an untimely end. Who can doubt that | reads “A study on the inoculation of the dew of localities infested by the yellow fever as an acclimating means for diminishing the mortality among emigrants to tropical countries?” To be vaccinated with dew ! Is not the discovery as poetic as is marvellous, and does it not logically follow that it the ravages of small-pox may be modified by the vaccine of eows, that yellow fever will be held in subjection by the vaccine of the dews of infected Nothing can be clearer to an unprejudiced mind. Perhaps ano less important revolutioniser of statu quo is the “ American Hog-Tamer, designed as a I reventive against rooting.”

Let dogs delight- to bark and bite. For ’tis their nature to, says the benevolent Dr Watts, who believed in according to genius its full prerogatives. Hogs, too, we had thought, should be permitted to follow out the inborn impulses of their aspirirWT Qmila *Prtrtf-Srw« r»./i non A»i(rn * W Q ww**4m. »t L< UViiOiUVl UOlUitl t V and to the manner born. So confirmed Loo. +Lo WilU \j Li ill 1,1110 IUCtI, U. 3 CO have reduced it to a proverb, and “Boot, Uog, or Die,” is sung to exquisitely adapted music. But the world is once more wrong. The porcine fraternity have no lights which man is bound to respect. The unsentimental fact of labouring by the sweat of one’s brow is doomed to become fiction, and future generations will have no harder task than that of minding other people’s business, surrounded by all the modern conveniences for the same—a prominent convenience being the “revolving rock-ing-chair,” by which the most important changes may be made in the fortunes and characters of individuals without the exertion of turning round. Already Europe gazes with no loving eye upon this strictly American iuspi* ration. What the result will be of sending a revolving rocking-chair to Paris, we are at a loss to imagine. Of what necessity, too, to enter into calculations when a “Calculating Machine” operates with 10 figures at a time. Even the perpetual bother of taking off and putting on gloves may be obviated in a measure by the adop tion of a mitten, in which the fingers may be uncovered without removing the mitten from the hand. In the language of the future, “to give the mitten,” will signify allowing one to have a finger in whatever pie is under process of dissection. This invention is greatly transcended by the “Ladies’ Rotary Fan,” a joint in the handle producing a rotary motion that fans two or more ladies simultaneously. Time being money, particularly in society where it is killed from over use, no greater benefaction could have been evolved out of the inner consciousness. Anything that assists in giving facility to the noble art of coquetry is, as Jefferson Davis would say, “a blessing in disguise.” With the ordinary fan it is difficult to carry on more than one flirtation at a time; immense advantages will be gained by the addition of a rotary motion. To kill two birds with one stone but partially expresses the havoc that may be accomplished by an adept. As to farmers, they may prepare for a grand revival of the Garden of Eden, with its original dolce non far nicnte. What with self-unloading horse hay and grain rakes, and steam diggers and cultivators, that are expected to cause an entire revolution in agriculture, Othello’s occupation will be gone, and bone and sinew will resort to Dio Lewis for perpetuity.

Heretofore, travelling has been barbaric : the “ Topodicticon” reduces it to a science. This magic monitor is applied to the inside of railroad and street cars to indicate the approaching station or street, the name appearing in letters sufficiently large to be read from any part of the car. In addition, a bell is struck before arriving at each station, and a rising and falling index on a graduated scale, exhibits the progress made by the cars; while the scale bears the name of all the stations, together with the distance separating one from the other. Besides, an attachment shows how many miles per hour the cars are moving at any given moment. Here are statistics and geography in one easy lesson, to say nothing of convenience to the traveller and pleasureable distraction to the human mind, that may turn from the panorama of cabbages and stone fences without to the more novel panorama of *-V,o rrn,„ rp j: v* tuu IUUCA nuuiu* XUC XViUVMilCtl* con and a newdevice called the “ Ticket Safe,” by which each passenger has his seat or berth ever secured, are destined to exert a grand moral influ ence upon travelling; and dishonesty itself must become extinct when the “ Challenge Lock,” which can neither be picked nor exploded, and the “Telltale Clock,” which registers the reeu» larity of watchmen’s services are universrlly adopted.

After all, Europe may gaze with greatest amazement upon “ a single breasted frock coat.” Parisian tailors beincr infinitelv inferior to rair nnrn or

should not this extort exclamation, surely “ specimens of crinoline” will. It is always a pleasureable and useful

employment to carry coal to Newcastle, particularly when there is no more demand for the fuel than there was for Lord Timothy Dexter’s warming-pans in the Gulf of Mexico; still, as historical reminiscences, crinoline must always remain interesting. In costumes, a matter upon which the Parisian Commissioners Lave laid groati stress, we are not likely to bear off the palm. “ I doubt,” writes our able Commisssoner, Mr Beckwith, “ if you will be able to make a collection of native costumes that will be very interesting or instructive, whether in a historical or ethnological sense.” Not a collection, certainly, but Mr. Beckwith overlooked our model dress for women, “ being the reform dress or American costume which obtained the premium of lOOdol. at the tenth annual meeting of the World’s Health Association, at St. Anthouy, Minn., June 14, 1865.” In France, where beauty and grace are more than a name, the American costume will receive most friendly criticism, and the reform movement swell the number of its followers in consequence. There is nothing that a Frenchwoman takes to so naturally as angularity. So, too, may we teach the European yonug idea the meaning of model desks and slates—slates that never break, that never become glossy, and that are cheaper and lighter than any slates ever before dreamed of; desks with a chair attachment which takes up no room on the floor not occupied by the desk itself, an invention completely disproving the once undoubted axiom that two things could not occupy the same space at the same time. The entire overthrow of Euclid by the Universal Yankee Nation is merely a question of time, and Archimedes himself would be proud to father the “ Archimedean Ventilator.” When it is applied to chimneys smoke must asseud ; ■when employed in airing rooms ventilation becomes inevitable. As French fire-places are peculiarly successful in sending all heat up the chimney and all the smoke down, and as the Italians have a superstitious dread of sleeping window open, Europe offers a flue field of operations for the Archimedean Ventilator.

Optomists though we be, grave doubts possess us at thought of the consequences that may occur upon the introduction to Europe of at least one prominent American institution; we refer to our country’s hope and pride, that Bar, at which a majority of her citizens and all of her legislators are brought up, and which is productive of the greater part of the eloquence that distinguishes America above all civilised nations. Not one but several are the applications for the carrying out of our most active Democratic principles. There is a “ model portable bar with patent liquor stopple, air-tight, proof against insects,” and everything but drunkenness ; and there is the “ American Bar,” in which great expectations may be invested, as it is claimed “ that this will be a thorough and true manner of showing the different liquors, beverages, and drinking customs of the American people.” Even now, in our mind’s eye we see Paris intoxicated with “ American drinking customs,” and hear the Faubourg St Germain, discussing the comparative merits of cobblers, slings, smashes, and juleps. Even now we descry Alexander Dumas, pere, frantically rushing about with “ The Bar-room Companion” in one hand aud a straw in the other. As “ straw's show which way the wind blows,” we fear for the future. We see him attempting to swallow successively “ Tom aud Jerry,” a “ Split Ticket,” a “Stone Wall,” a “Pig and Whistle,” and a “ Pace Horse and later w r e discover him writing the iiomance of a Sherry Gobbler. Ofieii* bach, equally inspired, will introduce in his next opera Boufle an American bar, where Apollo, after miscellaneous bibuations, will favor the audience with the brindisi of the Cock Tail; fauns and satyrs will go through all “ the drinking customs of the American people,” to the chorus of “ Tip and Try.” Nor should we be at all surprised if Bacchus, disguised as an “ humble individhal,” and with a glass of “ moral suasion” in his hand, attempted to “ swing round the circle” to the appropriate tune of Dixie,” 1 tpkich 01fv n^o '*!j nrrmlr? l-r>Anr ca , how to introduce. Oh that France . should put an enemy into her Exposil tion to steal away her brains 1

I In order that the world may n> (grow too giddy from excess of pleasure) America makes amends for licr Bar by exhibiting “ specimens of Burial Caskets,” accompanied by a “ Treatise on Cholera.” In continuance o tKia o/trraooKla aurtrtaot inn fl>a ww *•* Government has laid - v to the Exposition. Were optimism ... our creed, we might be incline-: :, regard Paris as That bourne from whence no traveller rotuAs it is, however, we are lost • admiration of these excellent pro-., sions for paying the debts of natiu and the parental watchfulness c: France over the earthly comfort of it guests. Finally, America crowns her inven five Genius with a wondrous piece of embroidery metaphysics in Satin stitch—representing a “ Query on the Future which in a silent tongue, undoubtedly asks the pertinent question, “ What are we all coming to ?” Boldly we reply, “ the millenium !” for when worsted work becomes transfigured by philosophy, what can man foresee but a pair of wings, and the good time coming!