SCOTCH STORES.

Hawke's Bay Times, Volume II, Issue 127, 26 June 1863, Page 3

SCOTCH STORES.

(From Punch, March 7.) We beg to acknowledge the receipt of the subjoined epistle, bearing the partiallyobliterated postmark, “ Co-ncy Ha-ch ;” — “To Mr. Punch, these presents greeting and meeting by moolight alone—but no matter —Sir, a Critic, perhaps on the Hearth, says that the author of a Scotch Piece lately produced to a tremendous length, must have been ‘ pursuing his studies in English composition at Colney Hatch.' True ; we met,’twas in a crowd, but I saw him the Manager, stealing in through my window, and wo wept together by the space of one hour, with our heads up the chimney for fear of disturbing the children. What was his return when ho went away ? Let it not bo breathed. Not a word. Your finger in your eye, thus. By my Hilts and Sally come up, an he took not my manuscript of an unwritten play with him, I will crack thy knave’s costard! The next night it Iwas brought out at the Bonnie Dundrury Lane Theatre,® with new dresses and appointments which I keep punctually. I was there disguised as a Private Box. Awa’ to the Hills ! Bing the area-bell when the curtain is to go up, and Pm yours madjestically, “ Killy vert Cranky." “P S. I re-opeu this to say that I have-not yet sealed it up.” “P.S. I defy you to 'single combat anywhere you like, if a salubrious spot is selected, with the omnibusses passing every minute.” “ P.S. The Resident Artist at this Academy executed some designs for the {Play. Ha! ha! I have executed him, and send you the pictures." Accompanying the above is the following Drama : AULD REEKIE; (I don’t know what it means, and I don’t care.) OR, THE BONNIE BITTOCK OB BALBBAITIt! to be performed for the benefit of the Highland figures at the doors of the London tobacconists’ shops, to whom a large currant buu not transferable will be presented at the entrance. Rules of the Game. —Any player neglecting to speak the Scotch language, puts sixpence in°tho pool, and is out. Chnraetersin the Opening. —Two carpenters and a little boy, who are looking through a hole in the curtain. N.B.—The Band of the Shoe-black Brigade must attend and never leave off playing. FIRST ACT FOE THE PREVENTION OF CRUELTY TO ANIMALS. The Scene is laid for Six. Time; Two in a bar. Success has been previously insured at Lloyd’s. Scene 2.— A Sun ‘ Set ’ Scene. The mountains of Scotch Sham-Rocks bg moonlight and another nriist. Exeunt omnes. To them enter a Eonjuror and Conjuror. Conjuror ('speaking through music and his nose) I maun gang. (Enter a gang. Conjuror makes a mountain pass and scene changes to — Scene I. —Before the Conquest, Steam discovered (I forget the dale). Highlanders smoking bagpipes. Visigoths perched in the trees. Enter a Si’Y, with his hair curled. Spy (looking about everywhere, as if for his boots —aside). lam a Spy. [ Waltzes. Every one (careering). Hout tout, dinna ken. [Donnie Wassals ( under the bedclothes) 800 hoo! 800 boo boo! Lochiel (standing on his head in a tub of cold water). A week Hieiand Lassie. lam a Chieftain’s daughter. {^Sneers. The Gathering; of the Clans is inspected by several eminent medical men, and carefully treated. Hieiand Lassie (chuckling). I am a Chieftain’s daughter. (Repeats it to herself several limes as Scene closes.) ACT LAST. —Scotland Yard. Enter a Tenor and two Fivers dressed as Buns Scotus. The Clans gather again. m‘Canister (sings accompanied by a gendarme on the fire shovel) — Fill up my horses and call mo at ten, Twiddledy anything ending in “ en,” Kick the day boarder and let him gao free, Forwe’llsuponthcbonnetsofdiddle dum dee. Chorus, (arriving by the Express) Scots wha hae, wha who, wha wha, wha which, &c., ad lib. [ Thunder. Fireworks. The Leader of the Orchestra wipes out old scores with the drummer. A Cockaleekie and Two Porcupines cross the mountains. Enter Macbeth, bg mistake, and after reciting four stanzas of “ Home, Sweet Home ” is led out bg the Manager, Guns, Bootjacks, Candles and respectable Solicitors are seen from 10 to 4 in the distance. Hieiand Lassie (onihetrapeze). lam a Chieftain’s daughter. [Black Mullins pursues her with a pickaxe . All (indulging in reminiscences.) Peep o’ Day! Peep o’ Day! [lnsurgents carry the day and leave the night. Stage dark. General engagement of all the Actors for another Season. Tableau. An interval of Two very Long Ears between the Acts.

LAST ACT. —Ascent of the Mists after the sunrise ; they catch. Ballet by Claverhouse ami Somerset House. Enter a Daft Quean, a Dun-dee and a Deltor-dee. Hieland Lassie. lam a Chieftain’s daughter [changes her dress five tines during the massacre. She comes down—to audience), and if oar freinds in front are but satisfied, then I hope no one will forget Eon Roy and— The Bittock of Balbraith (suddenly appearing from the usual showerbath where he she or it had been asleep during the performance. Bowing), And the Bittock of Balbraith! L Grand Finale.—The House is vaporised by Enurni/’s six per scents. The Perfumers are called before the curtain. Moral spoken by an Archimandrite in top-boots, “BLESS THE DUKE OF ARGYLL!” [_D tiring which Alarums, Fanfares, Cheap fares and Excursions and Concluding Tableau of Wild Horses mounted on Salmon FrOKt. Present! Fire !