HUMOUR

Hawke's Bay Herald-Tribune, Issue 154, 17 July 1937, Page 18

HUMOUR

The telephone bell in the* doctor 's j •onsultingroom rang. In the absence of j the doctor (an enthusiastie eyclist) his« assistant answered it and said the doctor was out. "Will you please give him a messagef " the voice said. "Tell him that Mrs Thompson has a gymkhana coming on and wants to know if he can do anything for it." "Iwill tell him directly he comes in, " said the assistant. "In the meantime, put a bread'poultice on it and renew it every two hours." «> "Do you mean to say," inquired the magistrate, "that such a physica! wrec k M he is gave you that black eye?" "Sure, your honour," xeplied the illvsed wife; "he wasn't such a wreck till X got this "black eye! "

An asylum patient who had been disebarged cured was found ono dey his oli job of delivexing meesages with a hani bairow. The vilkgeM pleased to see him and a ifir stupfS youthi startod to bait him. "Hulloa! How does it feel to be "daftf" The ex-patient was equal to tho oceaaion: "Look here, you ehaps, I hold something that none o' your kind over had. I hold a eertificate that I'm sane? " ^ p ® An artist spending a holiday in a small village entered the store and asked if they kept camelhair brushes. . "No, sir, we don't," the shopkeeper xeplied. "Y'see, sir, he added, apologetically, "we never have no call for 'em. Nobfedy in these paTts seems to keep camels!"

4 The two husbands had spent a merry evening together, arriving home in the small hours of the morning. "My wife carried on something awfui when I got home," said one, when they met nest day. "Mine never spoke to me," replied the other, "but I found my slippers ;n the xefrigerator! " £$•$►$> He was the clnb bore, and heartily detested. Rushing into the secretaxy's* room and fuming with xage, he shouted, "I've just been ojffered £20 to resign. What shall I do! " The secretary was quite cairn, and xeplied: "Hold on for a bit. You'll get a better offer."

Answered On a cruise a species of bird had followed the ship for some time, to the intense curiosity of one of the women passengers, who neveT let the subject' xest. At dinner oue evening she returned to it. "Captain turned to the first officer and asked plaintively, "Can you say where those birds came from? ' ' . "Eggs, sir, eggs," replied the first officer. €> «3> S> "Is this hair tonic you're putting on my head any good!" "Good? Don't you sce I have to wear nbber gloves to keep • tlie hnix: from iprouting on my fingers?"

HUMOUR

, Answering the telephone, the flremao keard a woman's timid voice. "Is that the fire station?" she askod. "Yes, that's right," replied the fireman, eagerly. "Well," continued the voice, "I'vo just had a new rock garden built, and l've put in some plants, but — - — " "Wliere's the fire?" the fireman yelled. "Some of these plants are very ©xpensive, and— — " the voice went on. "Look hcre," the fireman broke in, "what you want is a flower shop." "No, I don't," said the voice. "I'm coming to that in a minute. My neighbour's house is on fire, and I don't waiit yon clumsy firemen tramping over my garden when yon come here."

The new farm labourer wanted to-at-tend a dance, but he hadn't had a shave Eor a fortnight, he coiildji't shave biiu- ' self, and it was a barbers' holiday. "1*11 give yon a shave with my razor if you like," offered an old hand. ■ "Have you ever shaved anyone 6euore?" the new hand asked. "Not exactly!" was the reply. . | "But once 1 scraped all the hair offi a pig without spoiling the baeon, ao |1 reckon I outght to be able to fti you,^ * > ❖ 4> * A repayment claim had-been made for £20, but the taxpayer had miscalculated fche amount, for actually £30 was due to him. A cheque for this was sent, and this is how he acknowledged it: — "Dear Sir:' I am sixty-nihe ' years of age. I now believe in Santa Claus;"

"Has anybody eyer. bqen lost in osossing here?" asked the timid womam, who had hired a Negro boatman to f erry her across a rivers "No, ma'am," was the replyi "Ifah , brother was drowned heah last ^ye.ek, but we foiind him the nex' day." ; ♦ ♦ ❖ ♦ . "John, John, wake upj there 's^somebody creeping up'the staixs,"*. "What 's the time?" *" ,fIt's half-past two," _ • : "Thank goidness, ife^s np* me this time " . ;

• "Do you consider the defendant a I'eliable man?" asked counsel. "Has he a good reputation for truth and veracity?" "Well, to be honest Aiitk you," xeplied the witness, "that. man has to get somcbody, else to call his pigs at, ieed- . ing time. They won't believe him." «> S> $> • At breakfast a Scot suddenly exclaimcd in horror: "Jean, Jean! Can I believe my own eyes! Sich extravaganee C never saw in a' my life!" "Hoots, Jock, what's the matter?" xsked Jean. . "Two pinches o'. salt on wee Jauiie's porridge! '•' "Well, never inind. Hae ye forgotten it's his birthday?" S> *^> $> A traveller said to the conductor of n slow Ameriean train: "Does this rail--mad allow passengers to give advice!" The conductor replied, gruffiy, that he guessed so. "It occurred to me," said the travel ier," that it would be as well to de.taek tho cow-catcher from the front of the engine and bolt it on to the rear, for what is to prevent a cow strolling into this car and biting one of the passeng OTSf"