HUMOUR

Hawke's Bay Herald-Tribune, Issue 148, 10 July 1937, Page 18

HUMOUR

Value for Money | ■ Thres brothers from Aberdeen re••ived news that their father, living in Glasgow, was seriously 511. One of the brothers was deputed to visit him. He was instructed to wire aiter hia arrival. "Remember," said the other two. "you cau send nine words for sixpence.'* Later in the evening the following telegram was sent: — "Arrived. Father dead. Funeral Wednesday. Rangers two. Celtic one." ^ ❖ 3> $> « Just the Man ""Wanted-r-an expert carver," xead the advertisement. "Only those- used te- first-class restaurant work need Apply." To the man who asked for the job, the manager eaid: "Well, what ara your qualifications t" "I have only one, sir," replied the other cheerfnlly. "At my last place 1 errt the aneat so thin that when the door epened the draught blew the meat off ^e I^late■.,, 4Yeu're engaged," said the manager.

Ourious % eqon ^ thmaen, » tMdKsg breepes^ obserred a boy watchisg him for a long timo with obTious interest. aWeI!, my young f riend,'* he said W3& a amil^ "are you trying to get a hint or iwo on gardening?" "Noa!" stid tho lad. " Are yom surprised to see me worklaf like this?" "Noa! I be waiting to see what a person says when he hammer® his tfcoombf*

Hullot A woman took down the telephone reptirer, but the line was in use. She heard another woman remaTk, "I just put on some steak to cook, so I thought I'd eall you up." Five mdnutes 0 later the fiTst woman again tried to use the line. The other -gomen were still talking. Impatient to make'her call, the flrst woman broke in: 4 'Madam, I smell your steak burning." There was a horrified scream, reeeivers slammed and the line was open.

Sergeant Blowbag was holding f orth to an admiring crowd of Tommies in the mess-room. 4,Once I was surrounded by the enemy," he boasted, "and T had only my xifle to defend myself with. What would you have dorie if you'd been in my boots?" All eyes turned towards the sergeant 's big feet as a voice sounded from the xear: — "Why, sergeant, I should have dropped into one of those boots and flred through the lace-holes." ^ 8> S> 'Do you make good money as a ven* triloquist, Mr Smith? ' ' "Oh, yes, I have a good job now in the city." "Where are you working?" *4In a bird store. I sell talking parrots." ♦ ♦ ♦ ^ The Scotsman had lost a pound note^ Sadly he entered the advertisement office of the local newspaper arid handed in the notice he wanted inserted in tho "Lost and Found" columna The clerk had difficulty in Testraining his mirth when he xead, "Lost, a n.uv. Sentimental Talue." / «;

HUMOUR I i — j — i rriiwii"11 rl ' "" , Oh Papa! * A town dweller walking in the eonntry had a conversation with a fann labourer who, after a few mmutes, volunteered tho information that; he was 74. _ . "You are remarkably fit for a man of 74,'' said the town dweller. "How olcl was your father when he diedl" " Father 's not dead,'' replied the labourer; "there he is in the garden reading the paper to grandfather." S> & S> ^ Here's Health! The beadle, whoso gre at failing was his unquestionable thirst, was told by the minister that he would kill himself . if he did not end his evil ways. "You have nbt even the sense of the lower animals, Tammas," he a'dmonished him. "If you take a horse to the water arid Blake his -thirst, .you will flnd that he stops when he has had enough." " Ay daursay!" admitted the beadle, 1 1 but gin there was anither horse at t'ither side o* the watter sayin', Here's tae ye! ' I'R wager he wad gang on! "

. The Oheat His wife was busy at her desk, with bills all round her. Suddenly she looked up from her work. "How many fish did you catch last Saturday, dear?" she asked her . hnsband. "Six, dariing," he replied with teminiscent pridey "I thought »oj' that's . what you usuaHy catch, isn't itf. That rascal of a flshmonger has eharged us for eight!"

Poser The inspector was paying his annual visit to the local achoob He decided to test the powers of observation .of the class. "Give me a number,'* he asked one youngster. "Seventy-six," was the xeply^ The inspector then wrote 67 on the blackboard. There was nof a word of protest, He asked for another number, and again reversed it. Still no word was said. The same happened a third time. He tried again.; "You at the back, you give me a number,'* he Toared in disgust. ' "Thirty-three," piped a shrill Oockney voice. "Let's see what you can do with that!" '

Changel The train halted for a .moment at a small station. A traveller reached out of the window, called to a boy, aud said: "Here, son, is a shilling; get me a sixpenny sandwich and one for yourself." Just- as the train started to pnll out, the boy hurried up to the window and shouted: "Here's your sixpence, mister They only had one saridwich." S> 0 ?> w Bad Guess A woman, approhensive that she should pass her destination, poked the bus conductor with her umbrella. "Is that the Bauk of England?" ghe asked. ,(No, mum," replied the conductor, "them's my ribs."