HUMOUR

Hawke's Bay Herald-Tribune, Issue 125, 12 June 1937, Page 18

HUMOUR

• He: After all, I'm sure there is no jlace like home. ' - 1 She: Why, has something unploasant tappened at the club, dear? ® & . V An Trish soldier in France during thc 1914-18 war received a letter from his Tvife saying there wasn't an able-bocl- • ied man left, and she was going to dig the gaiden herself. Pat wrote at the beginning of his next letter: "Bridget, for Heaven's sake don't dig the garden; that's where the guhs aTe." The letter was duly censored, and in a short time a lorry-load of men in khaki arrived at Pat's honse and proceeded to dig the garden from end to •nd. ' " Bridget wxote to Pat in desperation, ■aying that she didn't know what to do as. the soldierg had got the garden dug *5, every hit o£ it. t Pat's reply was^ short and to th9 point: "Pat in the spnds."- ® & $> ♦ What's the name of the species I've jnst shot?" asked the • short-sighted hunter. "Well, sir?" replied the guide, "Ive heen investigating, and he says his name is Perkins. "

"PaTdon me/" said the stranger, "but are you a resident here?" "Yes," was the answer. "I've been here goin' on fifty years. What can I ' do for you?''' "I'm looking for. a criminal lawyer," said the stranger. "Have you any here!" 3 "Well," said the other, "we're pretty . sure we have, but we can't prove it." , S> g> «• A. clergyman in a railway compartment had for company a group of navies whose language was hardly of the kind that a reverOnd gentleman is* sup- ' posed .to hear. One of them rnust have xealized that, for turning to the clergyman, he said, "You must excuse ns, gnv'nor, bnt yer knows we're just plaingpeakin' calls a spade a spade. " "Is that so?" said the clergyman. "I •honld have thought that would have been about the last thing you would callit." 3> §> S> 3> . A tourist travelling through the Texas Panhandle, notoriously one of the driest plaees on earth, got into conversation with an old settler and his son at a petrol station. "Looks as though we might have some Tain," said the tourist. "Well, I hope soy" replied the native, "not so much for myself as for my boy here. I've seen it rain."

In other Words The chemist had had a scene with. his wife, who finally broke down crying. .Wherenpon he ejaculated: — * "Stop crying! Your tears have no effieet on me.' What are they? A small percentage of phosphorous salts, a little sodium chloride, all the regt — water. Bah!" ®> ®> g> His Own Back Macpherson had put in one egg too many with those he sold to the lair-J, and went to reeover it. "Why, Sandy, that's all right," saul the laird. "Let's have a drink and settle it. What will you have?" "Egg an' xum." ® Take Cover! For two hours he had been the pest of the party. His imitations were ter'rible, Tanging from George Arliss to a humming bird. In the far corner had been sitting the man with the screwedup facc. "What would you like to scc me inii* tate now?" asked the bore. The man moved. He spoke. "How abont a wart hog that's seen .Its shadow?^' Q ® & More Awkward, * During a political campaign in AmerIca a candidate strode into a newspaper office. "Look Ixere," he cried, "you've been printing liea about me in your paper." "Thnt's right," replied tho editor. "I know it, but ivhat would you do if wc told tho truth about you?"

HUMQUR } l The farmer gave the new hand a ►«S»plateful of mushrooms for supper. Ho had gathered a bucketful during the afternoon. "Isn't anyone clse having mushrooms for supper?" the new hand asked, noticing ko. was the only one eating them. "We like them for breakfast best," t the farmer told him. 1 2Iext morning, the farmer wcnt to the new hand's rooin and asked him how he felt. "Fine! " was the Teply. The farmer turned, walked to the kitchen, put his head in the door, and shonted:— "It's all right, Sarah; they was mushrooms, all right."

A minister, after visiting a church to preach, was given a meal at the manse by the minister of the church and his Wife. A storm came on, and the visiting minister was invited to stay the night. He agreed. While the wife of the manse went to prepare his room, the two clergymen started a discussion on the sermon, and the visiting minister went upstairs to obtain his manuscript to settle a point in dispute, At the top of ihe dark stairs he received a'slap on the face, and a woman's voice said: "That's for asking t.he minister to stay." ^ ^ & C? "I wanted to giye my niece a good elock for Eaater," said the dear ' oli lady to the shop-keeper. "What about this one, madaml" said the assistant. "It's a fourteen-day French clock, and it will go for fourteen days without winding. " The old lady looked puzzled. "And how long will it go if you do wind itf" she asked. ^ ^ ❖ "Please, sir," said the clerk, "I'd like tO have nest week off if it is convenient." "Oh, you would, would you?" said his employer. "May I ask what for ! ' ' "Well, my young lady is going on her honeymoon and I'd like to go with her." ♦ ■ ■ ♦ ❖ ^ Jones, hot and' weary, was rolling his lawn one day when he heard a familiar voice. "Hullo," h« said, "your father wants to borrow something, as usnal, I suppose?" "Yes, please, Mr Jones. He says could you 'blige him with the' loan of a corhserewf" '%A corkscrew? Certai'nly. You ran along, Bobbyj I'll bring it round myself."

8> $> $> j> j ( ( ^ landlord wrote to his tenant: . "Dear sir, I regret to inform you that I Day Tent is much ovexdue. Will you . kindly forward me a cheque?" ' 0ame the reply: "Dear sir, I see no , reason why I should pay your rent. I can't pay my own." "Jenkins, the cook advises me that you were badly intoxicated last night aild that you were trying to roll a barrel out of the basement. Gan this be true?" * "Yes, my lord." "And where was I during this time?" "IJn the barrel, my lord." ^ §> $> " Another New Leaf The vicar had at last persuaded old John, the village xeprobate, to mend his ways. The old man was as good as gold for a time, and then one day the • vicar, walking through the village found his. xeformed character standing outside the local inn, very much tho worse for liquor. •Oh, John," said the vicar in bitterly disappointed tones, "you promised me that you would mend your ways You cortainly did for a time, but now 3 can see no difference at all." "Thatsh all righ," said John, blissfully. "Haven'tye heai-d o' invisiblo mendin'?". S> ^ ■ j> Actor: You know. t>u\v sny that mv 1'ace is my l'oi'auic _ Patient Listj,. .. pur t]ie Jagt litne 1 iu fcd sxi v. i'U hard-luck storics.