HUMOUR

Hawke's Bay Herald-Tribune, Issue 119, 5 June 1937, Page 18

HUMOUR

Mrs Jones was giving a children 's iperty. And she invited Billy TJxomas. Now, Billy TJiomas,'aged eight, had a Teputation for rather lurid language. So hia father approached Mrs Jones to .warn her. "Mrs Jones," said Mr Thomas, "if Billy nses one bad word, . send. him home. I've warned Billy, and .if he arx^vea home before nine o'clock 111 know what has happened." ' Billy „went' to tho. party ... , but Billy -came home at half-past six. Mr Thomas took one look at tlie boy'a sorrovtfulface, and decided on irastic punislimeht. "Billy!" \ 4'Yes, dad!"' ' "Bring me my strap! " •'But, dad, ; "Bring me my strap! " .'"But, dad, the blanketty paTty's been put off till next week!" ♦ ♦ ♦ * The new vicar Tras suiprised as he entored tbe vestry to see the verger, who ru fiounting tbe collection, take half a irown from the plate and put it in his poeket. The remonstrance which seemed imminent Tras checked by the ready explanation: "That's the half crown, sir, that I't© led off with these thixty years ond.more;"

t i i ii Matched - It was luring & big sale, and tempers irera getting frayecL "Ii, I wero trying to match politeness," said one -customer, glaring hard at an assistant, "IJd have a job.to find Ifchere." The assistant was equaTto the oce&sion. "Let me see your sample, madam," the said. ♦ ❖ t> ♦ Cured A doctor, whose medieal skill exceed•d the elarity of his handwriting, sent an invitation to a patient to spend an cvening with him, adding that there jrould be music, cards, and so on. The friend failed to turn up, and sent *0 explanation. When they met the following day the doctor asked whether he had xeceived the note* "Yes, thank you," repiied the other. "I took it to the chemist and had it made up, and I feel much better already." A Negro was bronght before a xnagiatrate on a charge of theft. He was asked, "How do you plead?" The Negro said: "I pleads guilty and waives the hearing." "What do yon mean, "Waive the hearing'?" "I means I don't wanta heah no mo' abont it."

No F&vours ' A soldier on manoeuvres was posted at a sentry at an outpost on a bitterly cold night. "Halt! Who goes there?" he shout* ed, very fed up with life. "Oh! I'm the Army Chaplain," came the xeply from the darkness. "I don't eare if you're Charlie Ohaplih — eome forward and be recognized." 3> S> S> g> On the Trail A man lost a valuable dog, and ad* vertised in a newspaper, oifering a substantial xeWard, but got no replies. He called at the office. "I want to see the advertising manager," ha said. "He's out, said the offiee-boy. "Well, hia assistant." "He-'s ont, too, sir." "Well, I'll see the chicf reporter.1" "He's out, sir." "Great Scott! Is everybody out?" "Yes — they're all looking for your dog." ^ §> S> S> Cruel "How do you like my coinpositions, professor?,•,• asked the young composer, eagerly. '1 think they may be played when Chopin, Brahnis, Liszt and tlie otliers are f orgottem" "JReally?" "Ym, Brt m&t «1 thtml " J