HUMOUR

Hawke's Bay Herald-Tribune, Issue 89, 1 May 1937, Page 16

HUMOUR

°JL n American and.a Londoner were | iiiscuating business and business men)B jeacb. ^IniTniTig the superior ability for Jiia owxt countrymen. : "Well," declared the New York man, »T*ve been coming to London regularly for the last ten years, and I've never once met what.I should call a sharp man. of business." 4Very probably," xetorted the Londoner. "You see, we've got all that sort in prison. ' ' .

XJndergroimd News. The eub-postmistress in a Hampshire jillage was being taken to task by a yiaiting officer for not obtaining proper •nthority for payment of old-age pen•ions, She said: * 'Well, I hnow everyone in tho yiHage, and if a woman asks me to pay her husband 's old-ago pension as he isn't very well that morning, I let her have the money." "But supposing that old chap had died before his wife came in!" she was asked.. "Oh, weU," aho replied^ "I should know all right. My husband is tho vilXage undertaker!"

A newly-wed decided he'd like to give Ms bride a trip in an aeroplane so, afiter having the necessary lessohs, he took her up. Suddenly, the young bride said: "What is the matter, dear!" "Something has gone wrong with the controls. I shall have to land somewhere soon." "But we shall crash, sha'n't we!" said she. "Of course we shall crash, but don't worry. It'll be quite all right. I'm told there's a rubber plantation below."

Thomas was rather thrifty. On a visit to the States he decided to send ti telegram to his host. On inquirlng at the post-office he was told the charge, but that the send^r's »ame would be frce. *'Thafc's spicndid," ho replicd. "I'm n Ked Indian and my namc is 'Cauna- » •jmcthemorn Taru. ' "

"Well, Maxy," said the mistress. "I'ja sorry you want to leave me. What's the xeasonf" , Mary remained rilent, twiddiiag her apron and blushing. "Speak up! Is it something private?" "No, mum — please, it's a lance-cor-I ora].'7 4

HUMOUR j ■ i— — *— i ' — A little country boy who had never seen a circus before, was walking round the tent when one of the clowns lif ted up the. flap and stepped outside for a smoke. - -** • ! This excited the small boy, and "he ran Tound to the ticket office -in from and announced:-— "Key, mister! Yer. eiown's loosel* '

It was in the middle of the hottest of hot s&mmers, and tht temperature was round about the 100-in-the-shade mark. Along the street.came a maiv wearing a ; heavy overebat, with the collar turned up round his ears; A well-meaning old lady, filled .with | curiosity, stopped the man. I «Why in the world," she demandad, "are you wearing a heavy blue overcoat on a day like this?" The man smiled' and theu answeredj eonfidentially: "Because, madam, brown doesn't suit me at all."

A speaker at atemperance meeting ha,rangued the erowd on the . evila of drink and publicans in generaL "Who can dress his wife in fur» and ride in'expehsice ears!" he stormed. "The publican, of course. He liveo «. life of luxury on your moneyl " Some time later he znet a young couple who had attended -the meeting, and was grcatihed when tiie. ' husband thanked him effusively for his wonder-' ful advice. , . „ "So you have given pp drinkl' ' the lecturer asked. „ "Oh, no," came the reply, "we 've. bought a pub!"- • ?

Hullol ' A countryman on his 'first visit > ■ to town went into a post-office to send ' a telegram. message. It was also his first experience of ' the telephone, and the girl at the exchange kept telling him to . "Speak louder, pleUse." "Looder," said he, exasperated, "D'ye think I wad be usin' yer rotten contraption at all if I could shout eny looder!"

"Have any recognltions of he publicatipn of my work arrived? " asked the author. "Yes," replied the publisher, "a man with the same name, as yourself has asked us to insert a notiee that he is not the author. ' '