LIGHTER SIDE OF LIFE

Hawera Star, Volume LIII, 17 June 1933, Page 12

LIGHTER SIDE OF LIFE

JOKES AND SHORT STORIES TOLD BY “THE JESTER.” “Were you lucky at the races?” “I’ll say i- was. 1 found a suilinq, oil the way out, so l didn’t have t«> walk home.” # Judge: It is no use denying it. Smah footprints were found in the garden. Accused: You won't get. round me by flattery. - * * * *

“I think this scenery is just too beautiful.” “Um, I don’t know. Take away u ho mountains, and the lake, and it’s just like anywhere else.”

Counsel (at the end of a long cross examination): I hop?, madame, I have not troubled you with all the ques tions? . “Not at tvll,” rep’i.<fl the jlady, politely. ‘;I have a son aged six at home.” s „

Policeman (to motorist): Now, my fellow, just tell me how you knocked this man down. Motorist; But- I didn’t knock lam down. 1 slowest up to lot him cru a over, and he fainted.

Lady (mak-ng final, arrangements for big house-party): Mary, at seven o’clock I want you to He ready to call the guests’ names as they arr.-ve-. New maicl (puzzled): Ye-s’m; and do I call ’em anythin’ that c-omes into me ’lead?" * * * *

Shopkeeper (to new boy) : bail you’ve finished sweeping the shop and put things (straight, don’t stand a boat wasting your time. You can be matching flies and putting them ii;co 01 :■ new patent fly-trap, so that .it wn. -ie ready to put in the window.

A Jew took his son ii«v to the theatre. He bought -no t-efcet \\ lien he started in the liooikeeoe’’ sric. : “You will have to have a tici-m. tor the boy.” . ~ The Jew looked pleadingly at the uniformed one and rep;.oil: “1 K 1 rou ray word as a gentleman he non .. look.” *** * ■ * “No, sir,” said the Kansas editor. “Your services are no longer requned.” , , T “May I venture to aisk why 1 am discharged ?” “You’re too blamed funny. that style may do in the blase and heartless Bast, but when you refer to a death in a cyclone as a ‘terrible to the family, you overdo it out here. * * * * A certain man is inclined to be economical with words. One Sunday morning, having been to church alone, his wife cross-examined him as fo.lows: " “■Good sermon?” “Yes, very.” “What was it about?” “Sin.” ■ , , , “What did the preacher say about sin ?” “He was against it.” **•■«** Lecturer (who bad spoken for two hours) said to his audience; “I slial not keep you much longer. I am afraid I.have spoken at father a great length already, but you will excuse me, as there is no clock in the room, and 1 must apologise for not having my watch with me.” A Voice; “There’s a calendar behind you, mister.” J ’ * * * * • *

The incoming batsman was very impatient, and persisted in calling his nartner for impossible runs. He was repeatedly sent back to his crease by the level-headed player. When the new man did get the bowling he v. as out for a “duck.” Slowly and sadly he trailed off to the pavilion when the inevitable wag sh on ted : “N ow’s the time to run, kiddie!” # # * *

There were strange doings at the office of Messrs Solomon and Cohen. For three days the paitnens had been poring over the books £incl feveiisiii> adding up columns of figures. Then, at the end of the audit, a wail of -despair escaped the lips of in Solomon. „ “Ach, Cohen,” lie cried, vot a vaste! Ve have given the bookkeeper a veek’s holiday—and his books was right after all!” # # “Darling,” said the lovesick .swain. “You reign alone in mv heart.” “Oh, sweetest!” she sighed happily. “You are the sunshine of my life, h© continued, warming up to Ins task. She fell into his caressing arms. “Harold!” she sighed again “With you always near me I coulci brave any storm,” he murmured. She looked up .into his eyes “Half a minute,” she said, 'V hat i,s this —a proposal or a weather rcp°rtr .

A young barrister, in a. harrjing cross-examination of a landlady, was trying to discredit her boardmg-hou-.e in the eyes of the jury. She spoke of certain lodgers who never went out at night-. “A queer set of people seem to live in your house, madam,” he said. ‘Are they training for monks, or b there some reason for hiding themselves from h “No bl sir’” replied the landlady. “Thev’re ,studying for the law.” *' ‘ * ‘ * *

John, bred and born in the country, had secured a post as shop assistant at an outfitter’s shop. His enthusiasm was ■far greater than h:.s experience, as witness his discomfiture when a lacly asked for an evening gown. He had never seen one, but seeing a box marked “Smart evening gown, he extracted the dress and held it up before his customer. “What is the price?” she asked. “Well,” said John, as he studied the crown, “it is marked at five guineas, but I notice the hack out, so you can have it for ton bob.” * * ‘ ' r *

A new minister in a Kentuck\ church was delivering his first sermon. The negro verger was a critical listener from a back corner of the church. The minister’s sermon was eloquent, and lii.s prayers seemed to cover the wlio’e category of human wants. Yfter the service one of the deacons asked the old janitor what he thought of the new minister. , “Don’t vou think he offers up a good praver. Joe?” . , , xvu v “All. mos’ suhtnmly does, boss. A\ h> (bit man axed the Lawd fo things +hat do odder preacher dnln t e\en know he had.” -