ECCENTRIC EXTRACTS.

Grey River Argus, Volume XIII, Issue 1595, 15 September 1873, Page 2

ECCENTRIC EXTRACTS.

THE LAW'S DELIGHTS. It's a fine thing (writes "Nemo," in the Ballarat Post) to be able to go to law. There's nothing like it. A friend of mine who has just been to law, and has just come away from it, tells me it's just like going through a sausage machine, you go in whole at one end, and when -you come out at the other it's such jolly fun trying to pick yourself up again.- My friend sued another party for LSO, and won it with costs. T'other party appealed, and his Honor upset the judgment with costs to the appellant. My friend went further, and tried the full (bench. The Bench upset the last decision without costs, t'other paid the LSO. The account now stands this :— To judgment, LSO ; by law expenses out of pocket, L 384 12s 9d ; balance on the wrong side, L 334 12s 9d. But then, as my friend said .at the close of the suit, "I have had satisfaction." His legal adviser replied, "just what I told you — now you see what a pity p would have been to have given up the suit." That lawyer will make money . ' yet. There's only one thing to be considered in these matters— a client may go through the mill once, but you don't suasage him a second time. THE POSTMAN'S KNOCK. The Dunedin Guardian, publishes a ; letter with the singular signature— "One who : thinks he has a grievance," complaining that the Danedin postmen do not adopt a uniform knock, - and that much trouble is the result. The writer of the letter says : — " In most civilised places one knows at once by his knock it is the postman who is at the door, and he is therefore quickly attended without any domestic confusion. But in Dunedin the postmen give all- kinds of knocks, from that indicative of city. rates collector to that of a well-known personal friend/ The., result is, therefore, most horrible. In the middle of tea a knock is heard, and my wife, with anger flashing from her beautiful eyes, says, ' I told you so, you would have tea. half-an-hour too early, and see if that stuck' up Mrs De Thompkins hasn't called, and now she'll tell our friends that we were haying tripe and onions, for she'll smell 'em all over the house.' The result is> ; that , before the knock can be answered, my wife has to go through a hurried toilette, and a miiacu^ ious consumption of scent, before- bGe assumes an easy attitude in the drawingroom, whilst the door of the dining-room is hermetically sealed. And, after all, it turns out to be only the postman. So we come back to luke-warm iripe, which is not nice. Or it may be that breakfast in the morning- is broken by a rap, rapping, which I mistake for that Jones, in regard to whom. •" in the due reverence of a sacred vow I have engaged my word/and I will not back a little bill. The consequence is, a rush from table on my part ; a hasty exit by the back door, and over the palings into the right-of-way, with a little bit of fiction retailed to Jones as to how I went to the Port by the first train that morning, and I will not be back all day. Then, when I come home in the afternoon, ray wife says— 'Such a pity you ran away this morning, love ! it was only the postman !' I want this kind of thing altered, and the postman compelled to give postmen's knocks under a statute in that case made and provided."^, WINTRY ENTERTAINMENTS. Some of these winter readings (says the Canterbury " Loafer in the Streets ") : are good enough, some are otherwise. Their calibre is uneven. There is as much difference between. them as there is ; between sixpence and a penny. I go to them occasionally. I went to one a while , ago. The Chairman opened the proceedI ings in the usual manner, and told us we should be amused. I prepare accordingly to be amused. First item is an iudtru- > mental selection, operatic of course, and | very nice. : I should have enjoyed it more i. though but/for a baby alongside of me who | alternated between hysterical gurgles and well organised slobbers. A young lady. I next, gets up and siugs. She tells us her i love is like the red red Tose, in which icase they are certainly well matched,. I especially about the cheeks. I tell a fat S ©lcLman fitting next to me so, and subselquentiy ascertain ..that his son is engaged jto her. A fellow now gets up and reads. r His selection is moral, if not amusing, 'but he proves to be a good stayer, and j keeps at it for thirty-six minutes. While j this reading is going on,; I ascertain withjout the shadow of a doubt, that the lady jnext to me ha 3 been partaking recently of jthe festive onion. However, as she adW j ministers to her sportive young offspring — 1 a periodical peppermint, and as the- old Igent snuffs heavily, my nose at any jrate has nothing to complain of on jthe score of variety.; The next thing jis a due*; by two young ladies, (They chirp through it very prettily, ,a.nci jwe encore them, This time they favor jus with " Slowly and softly music should iflbw," and they flow through it. There, > was what' l believe musical reporters call ja slight hesitancy about the last part of ithe song; owing, . I thought, to one fair icantatrice having a cold in her head, and ,having; neglected to blow her nose before ■she started. Young Brobbes sitting in ifront of me says she is a nice-looking girl, jand hopes she'll sing- again; so do I. jTauor, vocalist now comes on, ; and asks vac: to M Let' him like a soldier fall."; I :feeh personally, that I am quiteindifferemtuj, jwhat capacitity he falls, 1 , so long as he falls quick. Bat he don't. So-nebody now reads some Dickens, which makes .the old man next me to laugh to that extent that he can't speak, but can only aay, ' Well* I'm blowed." I don't laugh myself. I trust I know better. Well-regulated people here never laugh. We have several more items, some good, some indifferent^ put have a good sixpen'orth anyhow. I made a discovery that evening, and 1 make those gentlemen who are.' in the habit of reading at winter eni;ertainnieut§ a present of it with much pleasure. Whenever you hear watches clicking like castanets all about the room or people blowing their noses as if they were work- • ing out a well-rehearsed influenza you ccn shut up. There is no good in trying to make literary whales of your audience. Bear this in mind, because it's about as true as anything you're ever likely to hear from yours truly. . : . Alf UNDIGNIFIED GOVERNOR. " Attious," in the Age, says :— "The ignorance displayed in England upon subjects pertaining to Australia is sometimes amusing. A governor, of a ieigh^ boring, colony, when last in Melbourne, stated that, while in London he had an iuterview with the Hon. George Higinbotham's particular aversion— the man Rogers. Speaking of New Zealand, to which colony the Governor was proceed*

ing, the chief clerk in the Colonial Office stated he had no doubt but that he would find his appointment an agreeable one. While intimating that the Imperial . Government had had no trouble withi New Zealand Governors lately, he inveighed somewhat harshly against Sir. George Grey. The front of that gentle- i man's offending seems to be that he had purchased land and bad built himself a private residence thereon. v Ancl what's more," said Rogers, "I heard that he encouraged wallabies about his grounds." On the listener stating that he saw no harm in that, the anger of Rogers was roused. " I don't know what you think," ■ said v lie l " about wallabies, but I scarcely think it is compatible with the dignity : of a Governor of a British dependency i to encourage half-bred Maori females j about his Swelling place." j PAELIAJfENTAKY SKETCHES. 'j The following extract from a private j letter from Wellington has been placed at j the disposal of the Otago Daily Times for ; publication : — "Your member, Mr Bathgate, &-& 'speciment,' as Mrs Parkington would say. I never saw any one make such an exhibition of himself as he does when endeavoring to get a measure passed. In fact the other night Yogel had to complain that there appeared to be a dead set made at anything introduced by his colleague, and he begged the House to have respect for the position of a minister, no matter who the man was that filled that position Yogel is worked off his very legs. He has to be in the House at all hours, and answer all questions. His colleagues sometimes make an attempt to answer, but they generally manage to flounder about in such a quandary of doubt and hesitation that he ha? to come to the rescue. OTJorke takes matters the best of any of » them. His friends call him the three S's— ' Smoke, Smile, and Swill.' He is never put out by awkward questions and remarks. He merely smiles, bat never attempts ko answer." The special correspondent of the Dunedin Star, referring to the budget debate, thus describes one of the Otago Representatives: — "The 'Smiler' was a pleasant relief. It does one good io look at his great broad fat face. He looks as contented with himself as' he is with the Government, and whether he sits and looks, or stands and talks, he conveys a sensation of self-satisfation that is contagious. When he sits he fixes his eyes upon the ladies' gallery, and if his attention is turned away for a moment, it soon reverts to the lovely objects of his adoration. . . . He spoke, of course, as he always does when the ladies' gallery is filled, as it was to-night; and hiu words were, as they ever are, words of admiration of everything that emanates from the hands of the Government."