DID YOU EVER STAND UMPIRE AT A FOOT RACE?

Grey River Argus, Volume XII, Issue 1285, 11 September 1872, Page 3

DID YOU EVER STAND UMPIRE AT A FOOT RACE?

-Gentle reader !— For it is only to a gentle reader that I would address my narrative— did you ever stand umpire at a foot race ; Once it was my lot to^do so with great satisfaction to niyaelf and everybody else ; but that was a mile race, I pleasantly remember. A hundred yards race is quite another thing— that will try your judgment and your nerve, particularly under circumstances snch as I shall nave hereafter to relate. The occasion on which I felt the difficulty and the delicacy of the position occurred to me one morning in the beginning of March, when driving to cover on the turnpike road between Birmingham and Broomsgrove, I beheld before me at a certain celebrated - level half mile, some 200 or 300 men from whose boisterous demeanour and peculiar garb, although distinguished by much variety of detail, I inferred they were of active habits, and moving somewhat rapidly in the lower sphere of society. I haa no desire to become intimate with them, and fully intended to pass them unheeded ; but I was frustrated. Forming across the road they summoned me to stop, enforcing their peremptory mandate by seizing my horse's head. Feelihg that the odds Jn the event of a personal encounter were against me, I made a virtue of necessity and pulled up. Surprised, bnt retaining my natural politeness, I inquired the meaning of so uncivilised a proceeding. A gentleman in a fur cap enlightened me at once. " Whoy, stir, we have gotton a bit of a ra-ace 'twixt a Wolv'rampton mon and aßrum'agem mon and wants a humpire ; the Wolv'rarapton men won't have a Brum'agem mon, and the Brum'agem men won't have - a Wolv'rampton mon ; so we've 'greed to stop the first ge'leman as comes along the road ; and you're the fust we've seed, and you'll have to do it." " It's all very fine," I said, " but ii's out my line altogether. I know nothing about such things, and fear I should not give satisfaction." -^That be blowed," said furry cap ; " any fool can tell who's fust." "Just so, my friends." said I ; "any fool can tell who's fust; but, as I do not at present set myself down in that category, I may, notwithstanding the apparent simplicity of the transaction, disappoint you." " None o'yer^atter, guvnor, said a thin, whitefaced fellow, who, I fancied, was from town. " Stow that J" said half-a-dojien others ; ♦'you're right enough." « Yon ain't such a fool as you look," "You'll be right enough ; you ain't got nothing on it, and there ain't toime to square ,yer now." " Ont you come." And amidst such flattering and encouraging remarks, I reluctantly descended from my trap, modestly assuring my motley friends that I would do my best. I took, or rather I was shoved into my post. " It's a hundred yards race," said a gentleman who took upon himself the office of my instructor. " A cove down yonder '11 fire a pistol ; and you've got to see who touches this 'ere 3tring fust." " I understand," said I ; "I understand ; 'thank you very much." " The Brum'agom mon's got a red handkerchief ronnd his 'ed ; the Wolv'rampton mon's got a blue 'qn." « Aye, I see ; vejgr good," Tho pistol was fired, and off they went at a rattling hundred yards pace. "Now blue! "now red!" Now

one's nose is half an inch first ; now the other's ; wriggle, wriggle, bound, step out, wriggle wriggle again, and amid i uproarious shouts of " Blue ?"— •" Red ! I red J rod!"— " Blue IBluel" tho string • ,was borne away, and the goal was passed. , One was first, I was sure of that, bn.t red and blue passing and rppassing e&oh other in quick succession dawsled me, and, for 1 xay life, I could not say which. Had I ' been a man of firmness, by nature, or ) used to such affairs by custom, I should i have given my decision on the instant; bnt, alas J I was neither. .Conscientious withal, I took time to consider. We . know what place is paved with good in- . tentions, and I was thinking of it, and really meaning to be very just} when I ,was rudely roused by a push, and, »"^fow then !— who's fust?" from fifty voices, • proceed}pg from, iw many bony jaws. "Jye* me gonijder," said I. "Oh, it Wants no considering," "Say red, or I'll fill yer eye up f " Blue, you fool ! say blue !" said a collier-looking man ; 11 blue, or I'll crack yer nut !"and so on, tilljfluite bewildered, T bethought myself to 3fy, " Dead heat {"—bethought myself, • I fay, and luckily I did no more. They read it in my eye. " None o* yer dead heats," said about a hundred, " or well .kill yer! None o' that, mind." I tried j to smile benignly on my persecutors, but

i , '; For continuation of News, see Uh page.)

cy I looked very like a ghost, and honld have abandoned myself, to despair had I known how to set about it, wljien suddenly a yuce, friendly, but unmusical, whispered in my ear, "Mister —j! I know you know me— l'm Ben Teijry. Say red— that Brum'agem ; it's all right— there's 'nough on us 'ere to pull yer through jit. Get in the middle on Jus, and say; red." I looked at my friend, and trusted him — I would have embraced him, but I had not time. So, following hi* advice, I got behind him and shouted "Red ! n with might and main." " Red, shouted Ben, echoing my decision in a most confirmatory tone. " Red, you—— ! Any on yer want anythink 1" , As I was hoisted into my vehicle, the little crowd was surging considerably, and 1 thought I saw a fight or two, but having something ehe of more importance on my mind, * namely, my own safety, I drove away. Since that timo I have avoided level half-miles on my way to cover.

HOKITIKA.