UNSUCCESSFUL COLONISTS. JOHN SMITH.

Grey River Argus, Volume XII, Issue 1143, 27 March 1872, Page 2

UNSUCCESSFUL COLONISTS. JOHN SMITH.

" John Peerybingle," ; the^dia "guide, philosopher, and frieud/' of the, readers of the Melbourne Weekly Times, hasm&le his re-appearance on the. scene. One of the features of his papers this time is to be sketches of " unsuccessful colonisW" —a happy idea which, no doubt "John n will work with profit.. 'The firat sketch we give as a specimen/:— .■' - r subject of this notice first saw the light in the vicinity, of Brick; Lane, .{White- * chapel, London. Very little is' known concerniug the early lif e of his f ather, except that he followed the avocation of a professor of polonyism in the establishment of an East End manufacturer of the sausage of commerce. In other words the sterner parent , (he had two) of John Smith was a true artist. He it was who confided to the immortal Sam Weller the lost secret of his craft, in words which are now as familiar as the house-sparrow : '.'lt's the seasoning, Sanimy-^-it's the seasoning as does it." At the agi of 23 the father of John Smith was united in the bonds of wedlock to the law daughter of a ratcatcher who, strange t|6 iay, also answered to the unusual name of Smith, although the respective families of the bride and bridegroom were not connected by the ties of consanguinity. Her name was Sarah Ann, and her friends never

failed to speak of her by the endearing vet descriptive title of Carroty Sal. The larrikins of the period invariably addressed her as Carrots. To this* impulsive mother John Smith was mainly indebted for the privilege of appearing upon this sublunary sphere, as well as for the color of his hair. She it was who nursed, who breeched, and who spanked him. Alas, such is life, To this day John feels tender at the sound of his mother's name. For reasons best known to himself the father of John Smith retired into seclusion a short time before hb birth. Rumor had it that he had suffered the inconvenience of being hanged ; but beyond the fact that Sarah Ann never allowed a rope to be mentioned in her presence, there was nothing to verify the suspicion, or to gratify the laudable curiosity of Smith junior. Out of respect for the memory of her absentlord, she kept a tripe and trotter shop, where the youthful offspring of Smith senior conceived that passion for the pursuits of commerce, which impelled him at the age of seven to steal a shilling out of a blind man's hat, and to set up in business as a peripatetic vender of hotcross buns on the subsequent Good Friday. The venture was eminently successful, and the proceeds were devoted to further investments in the Eastern delicacy known to botanists as the cocoannt. Smith junior also traded in the wellknown Barcelona, the lead-pencil, wax-

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matches, and the thousand and one articles in which the youthful invader, of the rial to is about to embark his capital. Acting upon the maternal precept that "a nimble ninepence is better than a dead shilling," John Smith was ever ready to turn a penny, Hometimes, as the honest biographer is bound to confess, by means which narrow-minded people might not have considered strictly honorable. But let this pass. It is in the old capitals of the world that these prejudices exist. Talent hke that possessed by John Smith ia regarded with a jealous eye— by the nineteenth century policeman ; and the aspirations of youth are nipped by the early frosts of conventionality, f The proprietors of this paper are requested to notice that flights of this Viad muak be paid for as extras.) The myrmidona of the law -were on hi» track, and John Smith knew it. He has committed the boyish indiscretion of butting a corpulent gentleman in the sfcoinacn, and abstracting his purse, whilst the owner of the stomach was gasping with astonishment at the daring character of the act. This necessitated his temporary retirement from public life ; and led him to think of emigration as a means of securing that liberty of which he had been temporarily deprived. " True patriot he, fcr be it understood He left his country for his country's good." These lines might have been applied to him by the thoughtless, and probably were so applied. It is enough to say that on emerging from the retreat in which he had found it necessary to pass a period of his existence, hia mother provided him with funds, and he set sail for Melbourne, the capital of Victoria, Australia. The voyage out was not characterised by any incidents more startling than those which have been previously described in books. Suffice it to say that the next bunk to that of our hero was occupied by a gentleman who commenced his Colonial career by selling apples, oranges, and nuts, and ended it by becoming a Minister of the Crown, and Commissioner of Tape, and Warming-pans. Strange, what great reBults spring from small causes. If instead of devoting his little all to the purchase of newspaper extraordinaries, which nobody would buy, John Smith had launched into the costermonger business, he too might have become a Commissioner of Tape and Warming-pans, and had his portrait given as that of a Successful Colonist on a halfpenny worth of yellow paper in the fVeeldy Leader ! As we have before observed, such is life. But to resume. Landed in Melbourne, the first thing that struck John Smith was the amazing similarity between the sharks he encountered here, and the sharks he had left behind. On leaving his native land il was his intention to tarn his attention to squatting as a pursuit; but he discovered on reaohing the new country of his adoption, that he could not expect to make a successful start as a squatter with an available capital of twelve shillings and ninepence sterling. True, he learnt that by strict economy; by never expending five shillings upon himself ; by travelling to deelong and never breaking his fast for fear of the expense of a square meal ; by abandoning the luxury of buying tobacco, and adopting the happy device of borrowing it from thoughtless friends : by staving off hunger with ■ a couple of Cockle's pills, save when a dinner was to be had for nothing, money was to be made, for a penny saved is a penuy gained. John Smith', however, was a liberal being. He was accustomed to despise mere wealth, and money-grubbers ; and what is the result? He is an Unsuccessful Colonist. His capital has long been exhausted. For years he has led the life of a disappointed citizen, in summer enjoying a precarious existence in empty water tanks, and in winter repairing for sustenance and warmth to the Emigrants' Home. John Smith, in fact, is one of our failures. Last week he reposed on his back in the society of a few unoccupied friends down by Yarra's umbrageous banks. The shades of evening gathered over the scene, and the stars arrested the attention of the subject of this biography. "I like to look at them chaps of stars," said John Smith, "for they never done me no harm." Do yez know," answered a policeman, with . a beautiful Italian brogue, thin begorra ye'd better be after comin' along wid me to the watch-house. " John Smith is now expiating his misfortunes in gaol. If Soverty be the measure of misfortune, ohn Smith may fairly claim to be the most unfortunate man in Australia, as he undoubetdly the poorest.