AMUSING AND INSTRUCTINE.

Grey River Argus, Volume IX, Issue 686, 11 June 1870, Page 1 (Supplement)

AMUSING AND INSTRUCTINE.

A wit being requested to say a good thing, laconically responded "Oysters." A laconic conversation : "What ails your eye Joe ?" " T told a man he lied." A woman in Chicago recently seized a man, and, before he could secure assistance brut* ally married him. A man excused himself for marrying by saying that his friends said he drunk too much for a single man. Young folks tell what they do ; old ones, what they have done ; and fools, what they will do. "*■ " Sir, you have broken your promise," said a gentleman to another. " Oh, never mind ! I can make another just as good." It is common to speak of those whom a flirt has jilted as her victims. This is a grave error. Her real victim is the man whom she accepts. "John, 1 wish it was as much the fashion to trade wives as it is to trade horses." "Why. so Peter?" "I'd cheat somebody shocking bad before night." " Will you marry me, Miss?" "Sir, you know very well I have often declared I would never marry." "Oh yes ;If I hadn't known it I shouldn't have asked yon." An urchin being rebuked for wearing out his stockings at the toes, replied that it couldn't be helped — *.' toes wiggled and heels didn't." Speaking of the holidays, a Nevada paper says : — Pinfeathers, with a little meat attached, cost a dollar. He alludes to chickens. A Missonri gentleman carries about -with him a memento of a lost brother in the shape of a cane cut from the tree on which that relative was hanged for horse-stealing. The editor of the Western (Missouri) Landmark asks his readers to excuse the looks of his paper, as he is in bed from the effects of a fight with a delinquent subscriber. A Western editor, speaking of a rogue who lives in his vicinity, says, " The rascal has broken every bank and gaol and Sabbath we hare had in this country for the last five years." A giddy student, having got his skull fractured, was told by the doctor that the brain was visible ; to which he remarked, "Do write to tell father, for he always said I had none." A Wisconsin youth, sued for breach of promiso, offered to compromise by marrying the girl if the Court would protect him |rom several other girls who had the same tender claims upon Mm. A miserly bailiff coming into possession of a baronetcy, and desiring an appropriate "coat of arms," adopted one representing a tin plate, over which was set a fork, signifying, " Fork over the tin." Complaints of the dulness of business are almost always in order, but when a Connecticut man grumbles because of the dnlness of the business of manufacturing coffin trunming3, he runs the thing into the ground. A man called another an extortioner because of sueing him. "Why, my friemV' replied the man who had brought the suib, "I did it to oblige you." "To oblige me, indeed — how so ?" " Why, to oblige you to pay me." A peaceful disposition is not absolute protection against the turmoils of life. What's more peaceful than a clam ? And yet, ten to oue it ends its life iv a broil. And then how peaceable an oyster is? And yet how frequently its gets mixed up in a stew. A countryman ivbo had been on a visit to London, on returning home remarked that he never saw so many trees in his life as be saw in Piebadilly. This led to a dispute and a bet, when the countryman being called upon to name the trees he saw, replied, "Axle-trees. 1 " A Frenchman, stopping at a tavern, asked for Jacob. " There is no such person here," said the landlord. ."'Tis not a person I want, sare, but the beer "warmed with de poker." "Well," answered mine host, "that is flip." "All, yes, sare, you are in de right ; I mean Phillip." When you say in a phrase which is now quite common, such and such a man is a " brick," do you think of, or do you know the origin of it ? It is this ': -An Eastern prince, on being sisked, "Where are the fortifications of your city ?" replied pointing to his soldiers, " Every man you see is a brick." When trees are planted by the river side, the object is, of course, to "stem" the tide. — Amatuers of the lathe should preserve until they can produce a well-turned compliment.—The Worst Tax.— A-ttacks on one's purse. — Pherenologioal Fact.— ln the whole British army not one soldier is there with a " retreating" forehead. The dog coustable at Dudley (Massachusetts) weans business. His proclamation reads as. follows : — " By virtue of a warrant to me (directed, dog-.days -will commence July 10, when all owners of dogs not licensed, resident of Dndiey, will do we'l to call at the Town Clerk's office, as there will be a ! howliug in the dog family after that date." As an example of American laudation we take the following from a Louisville paper : — j "When Miss Howson first appeared, her bright eyes and lovely face attracted everybody. But when her beautiful pearly teeth were disclosed, there came sucb a cataract of diamond-drops of melody that the house seemed, as it were, deluged in v spray of harmony equal to that which one might imagine would come from a Niagara composed of harps." .