AMUSING AND INSTRUCTIVE.

Grey River Argus, Volume IX, Issue 671, 7 May 1870, Page 4

AMUSING AND INSTRUCTIVE.

«. ■ Young folks grow most when in love. It increases their sighs wonderfully. A St. Louis paper, speaking of a New York family that made a fortune out of whisky, says, " they live on Twenty- third-street, in a perfect delirium tremena of splendor." . The wife of a New York millionaire has gone to Europe to get the portraits of her three homely daughters painted, by the "old masters," of whom she has heard so much. Mrs Partington has been reading the health officers' weekly reports, and thinks "total" must be an awful malignant disease, since as many die of it as of all the rest put together. A negro methodist preacher in Philadelphia actually took his last Sunday's text from 'de 'pistle-ob Saint Paul to de Canadians.'" Eligible Young Bachelor (making call) — " Well, Master Fred, you don't know who I am." Too Candid Young Hopeful— "Oh, but Ido though ! You're the chap Ma says would be such a good catch for Mary." — Punch. Will the venerable gentleman in specs, who in mistake kissed Mary Angelina Spiftoe for his aunt, kindly forward Ms name and address, so that the kiss may be returned to to him. " What makes the milk so warm t" said Betty to the milk- woman, when she brought her pails to the door one morning. " Please, mum, the pump-handle is broke, and misses took the water from the biler," A Highlander, under the influence of whisky, -once on a very hot day, went to be married by the Rev Mr Grant, of Abernebhy. The service having commenced, the bridegroom was asked, "Are you willing to take this woman to be your wedded wife ?" "Yes, he replied, wiping large drops of prespiration from his face, ' yes, if I got a drink !' A Irish glazier was putting a pane of glass into a window, when a groom who was standing by, began joking him, telling him to mind and put plenty of putty. The Irishman bore the banter for some time, but at last silenced the tornienter by, "Arrah, now, be off wid ye, or else I'll put a pain in your head without auy putty !' An old sea captain, who was in the habit of spending his time while in port among a set of hard-drinking fellows, returned to his hotel one eveniug in a partilly intoxicated condition. In going up to his room, he walked out of one of the windows and landed on the pavement. Fortunately he was not injured by the descent, and upon going back mto the hotel met the landlord. ' Look here, M ,' says he, "if you don't shorten the steps in your stairs, I won't stop with you any more.' The Rev Dr Edmond, at a meeting of the Presbyterian Societies Union, London, held lately, said he " wished there were no such distinctive appellations as Englishman and Scotsman. In his congregation he had had a man who saw, he said, ' the last Scotsman' — i.e., a native of Scotland who was alive before the Union." The following letter was lately recerv ed by a Newcastle clergyman in acknowledgement of a certificate of marriage he had furnished. We print it verbatien et literatim : — " Revd. Sir I Beceved the date of my marriage by you for which I feel oblegged, And I am happy to say that my wife is turned out And been a good one But bless me Sir 7 6 pence when we were marred And 3 6 now to know the date is making hur Rather an Expensif one. I Remain. &c." An ignorant, but conceited fellow got aboard a steamer on Lake Huron. After standing upon the deck awhile among the crowd, and seeing the captain approach, he inquired; " what is the name of this lake?" "The Lake Huron." "Yes, sir," replied the man. But the captain going on further, the stranger said : " Well, what is the name of the lake?" "The Lake Huron," again answered the captain. "I want to know what lake I am on — what's it's name?" " Well, sir," said the captain, "the name of the lake your on, is the Lake Huron. Does that satisfy you ?" The crowd was smiling quite audibly, and the man walked on, muttering low to himself ; " the lake I'm on, is the lake I'm on. That's a polite captain indeed." The following story is told : "I say, cap'n !" cried a little keen-eyed man as he landed from a steamer at Natchez, "I say, cap'n these here aren't all. I've left somethin' on board, that's a fact." "Them's all the plunder you brought on board, anyhow," answered the captain. " Wai, I see now ; I grant it's O.K. accordin' to list : Four boxes, three chests, two candleboxes. and portmanty; two hams, one part-cat, three ropes of inyens, and a tea-kettle. But see, cap'n, I'm dubersome ; I feel there's somethi'n short, tho' I've counted urn nine times over, and never took my eyes off urn while on board ; there's somethin' not right somehow." "Wai, stranger time's up; them's all I knows on ; so just fetch your wife and five children out of the cabin, cos I'm off." " Them's ur n! Darn it, them's ur n! I knowed I'd forgot somethin!" . " Alligators chaw a feller all up," said a little darkey We engaged to carry our baggage from the boat-landing at the shore, to the miserable shanty, called by its proprietor a hotel. "Yes, Sam, but it's a sleepy time now for alligators, isn't it?" "Lor bless you, niassa, you must have come from the • Norf , suah, to tink the alligator sleeps. Do you see dat ar great whirlum pool, whar de riber is swinging dem trees and logs, and sich, around and around ? Well, de Federal sojers used to go in dar to was urn, and de black alligators first boosted dem rite under water without winkin at 'em. But dose sogers didn't know how to manage urn." "How do you manage one. Sam?" asked we. "Why, I do jist as de cullud folks

down on old Wetherby's plantashun. l'de cotch him by de tip of his tail, and jist made I him skull me ashore. Der ye see? When a \ pusson of color gets an alligator arter him, J he jist cotched him by de tail, turns it a kind i of sidewise so, and de old feller gets mighty niad dough, but he can't bite de feller what is steering him. An' he has to get in what direction the steerer says. White folks come down here from up Xorf, and de alligators jist eat 'em up widout stoppin.' But a pusson ob culler, he jist takes de alligators by de tail and tells urn, Mr Alligator, dis nigger wants to cross the riber, lend him yer tail, and away goea alligator and pusson ob culler to de plantashun. If the alligator 'spressed his 'piniun, I spec he'd say de pusson ob culler was takin' liberties wid a tail de Lord made 'spressly for de alligator. But de alligators were made afore steamboats nohow."