AMUSING AND INSTRUCTIVE

Grey River Argus, Volume VIII, Issue 593, 4 November 1869, Page 4

AMUSING AND INSTRUCTIVE

Upon what object in nature has every author written ? — Upon the earth. Why is a man like a gooseberry ? — Because every woman can make a fool of him. A good suggestion is like a crying baby at a concert — it ought to be carried out. When does a atupul fellow seem beside himself? — When he h standing by -a donkey. Why is a silk dress the most appropriate for walking in ? — Because it is not sat-in. Why is a bullock a very obedient animal ? Because he will lie down if you axe him. The following bill was lately presented to a fanner in Sussex, "1o hanging two barndoors and myself suven hours, four shillings and six-pence." A coquette i 3 a rose-bud, from which each young beau, plucks a leaf, and the thorns are left for the husband. A jockey at newmarket asked a Yankee if they had any such swift horses in America. "Swift !" said Jonathan, "why, I guess we have, I've seen a horse at Baltimore on a sunny day start against his own shadow, and beat it a quarter of a mile at the first heat." During a receut mutiny in India, a number of "pipers" (J4 in all), belonging to the several Highland regiments lying there then, were on one occasion out on parade, when one of them enquired of an old Lochaber veteran, called M'Tavish, what he thought of the music, when he replied, *■• Aye, man, it was truly gran,' it made the very grun' bizz !" That was very neat of young Dumas, who lately received from a young ami hopeful author a manuscript with his memorandum : "It is the work of nix days." Dumas returned it with this sentence : " You should not have resfctd on the seventh." A gentleman, of the name of Man, residing near a private madhouse, met one of its poor inhabitants, who had broken from his keeper. The maniac suddenly stopped, and, resting upon a large stick, exclaimed, "Who are you, Sir?" The gentleman was rather alarmed, but thinking to divert Ids attention by a pun. replied, " I am a double man ; I am Man by name, and man by nature." " Are you so ?" rejoined the other ; " why, lam a man beside myself ; so we two will fight you two." He then knocked down the poor man, and ran away. Are there not those who will sympathise with the seven-year old " boy of the period" as to the propriety of the final disposal of the objectionable party in the summary manner he proposes ? This boy, whom they were eudeavom-ing to enlighten in that portion of the Shorter Catechism devoted to Justification, Satification aud Adoption, after a few moments reflection looked up to his paternal and said : "Papa, I do wish somebody would shoot the old devil an«l kill him, aud then we wouldn't be bothered with all the trouble of learning the (Jatechism !" The Hon. Josiah Adams, now deceased, was one of the best-known legal gentleman of the {Middlesex (Massachusetts) bar. He was more remarkable for wit than for personal beauty. A correspondent once remarked to him :: ". Mr Adams, how are you? — you're looking first rate." ." Yes, yes," said the old gentleman ; "just what one of my neighbors said a short time ago. I met" continued he, "one of my neighbors, aud he sai Ito me, ' How are yon ? You look very well ; in fact, you grow handsomer every .day.' : • Ah,' said I, ' how is that ?' ' Why to tell you the plain troth you can't grow ang other way ! ' " Mr A. questioned not the premises, but made a profane expression about his conclusion. Few preachers: are so felicitous in illustrating their subjects with appropriate anecdotes as the Rev. Henry Ward Beecher. And, like all men of genial humor, |he has the knack to say very droll things with a face of themost impassive gravity. At the National Christian Convention he was called upon to address that body on " How to Conduct Prayer Meetings," and, among other questions, he was asked, ' "Mr Beecher, what do you. do with bores in your prayer meeting ?" " Well, I try to be patient with them.; I had one man that used to trouble me a; great deaL He used" — and here Mr Beecher impersonated him to the life— " he used to drag his words in the most tediously slow process that you eaii imagine. One evening he commenced as usual : ' I— hope — that— my — young — friends — will — not — like — me^— to — pu t — off — their consideration — of the interests of eternity,' just then I interrupted him. by saying, 'Mr ,if you go on that way much longer, eternity will be here j and half through before you finish !' " When the speculative Barnum determined to hold a baby show in New York, he caused himself to. be arrested for kissing a mother. His defence, when he was brought before a magistrate for this offence against good morals, was, that he had been searching high and low for beautiful babies, . and that at last he had found one so exquisite that, carried away by a feeling of respectful admiration, he had kissed the mother for the sake of her infant. Mr Barnum was fined one dollar, and an account of the trial appeared in every newspaper in the land. The speculation proved a successful one, the show went on for several days, and during that time the part of Broadway in which Barnum's Museum is situated was almost blocked up by the .carriages of those who were eager to see the infant whose charms were so wonderful that the heart of the groat Barnum had been vanquished, and he had forgotten the citizen; in the man. When the exhibition came to an end Mr Barnum explained to his gulled; but admiring fellow-citizens, how, by tne expenditure of one dollar, he had realised several .thousands.