MISCELLANEOUS.

Globe, Volume XXIV, Issue 2679, 7 November 1882, Page 4

MISCELLANEOUS.

The “ Effects” of Drinking—A publican’s goods and chattels. A lino overdone.—A walking celebrity from Europe, who had an eye brimful of confidence in himself, entered a Detroit restaurant kept by a man who takes an interest in manly sports, reports a Transatlantic newspaper, and thus began—“ My name is Shaw. I have just arrived. In case I can work up sufficient interest in this city I propose to walk one thousand miles in “ Call again—very busy—see you later—got to go right over the river,’ said the restaurant man as he got away out of sight. The man named Shaw didn’t seem surprised, and his chin was still high as he walked into a billposter’s, and asked, ‘ Can you do some posting for me ?’ ‘ Oh, yes ! There’s scarcely a month in the whole year that we don’t post up at least one dodger for some one or other,’ was the reply. ‘ I may want to put out 10,000 three-sheet bills next week,’ observed Mr Shaw; ‘ I propose to begin here an attempt to walk 1000 miles in ’ ‘ All our boards are secured for two months ahead,’ interrupted the poster with terrible earnestness ; and ho at once .began to sweep the dusty floor with a dry broom. Mr Shaw coughed and went out. The store of confidence in his eye had been reduced about one-half, but he had a good card left. Making his way to a tobacconist’s store, whose shop is the head-quarters of lovers of dogs, horses, dumb-bells, and athletic sports, he purchased a cheap cigar, and casually observed to the crowd —‘ Gentlemen, my name is Shaw. I was thinking that if a hall could be secured on favorable terms I would make the attempt to walk ’ ‘ Wait!’ shouted every man in the room in chorus, and in less than fifty seconds all had filed out and gone their ways. Thereupon the tobacconist at once reached down his shot gun, crying out that Mr Shaw had driven away seventeen of his best and pleasantest customers, but before he could use it Mr Shaw made an energetic attempt to walk past one street corner in one minute, and he achieved a grand success. The Masher Mashed.—There were plenty of seats in the ear, but as ho walked down the aisle he looked sharply to the right and left until he reached a pretty girl who was sitting alone. ‘ Seat engaged, miss ?’ he asked, with a knowing wink. ‘ No —no, sir,’ stammered the girl, looking around in dismay. Down he plumped and braced himself- for the campaign. He was a regular passenger, and held his commutation ticket in his hand. ' Shall I open—!’ ‘ Tickets !’ roared the conductor, who had watched him from afar. The regular passenger smiled sweetly on the pretty girl and put up his pasteboard, out of which two sides were promptly snipped. ' Tickets !’ ‘ Hold on !’ protested the regular passenger, ' you punched this twice. Thelady isn’twithme!’ ' Sorry,’ replied the conductor; ' but you walked in, sat down and went to work on the regular married style. Supposed, of course, it was your wife. Too late now. Take a vacant seat next time. Tickets !’ And the passengers went to the conductor and asked him to drink, and offered him cigars, and bought out the train boy for him. ' I know they weren’t married,’ said he, as he squinted at a flask of extra prime. ' I’ve seen him before, but this is the first time it cost him a couple of dollars to play it.’ ‘Do you know who the lady is ?' asked, an inquisitive man. ‘My wife, gentlemen,’ replied the conductor, and even the flask chuckled a merry “ glug glug” as ho spoke. A Man Possessed—A slave.

From a Henpecked One—A lawyer is about the only man that ever made anything by opposing woman's will. A merchant in the city was accustomed to demand an excuse of his clerks whenever they arrived late. The excuse given, he invariably added, ‘ Very well; but don’t let it happen again.’ One morning a married clerk, being behind time, was promptly in terxo gated as to the cause. Slightly embarrassed, he replied, “ The truth is, sir, I had an addition to my family this morning and it was not convenient to be here ,oouer.’ 'Very well,’ said the merchant, in his quick nervous manner, ‘ very well; but don’t let it happen again.’ In one of the Courts a juryman being called and not answering, the usual notice that ha would be fined was pronounced against him ; upon which a person who stood by said to the Judge,. ‘You may fine him as much as you please, but I don’t think that you will recover the fine, for I saw him buried about a week ago.’ Literature and Sporting—Mrs Laura Dainty was reading out in Missouri, and at one of the receptions which frequently follow her readings, a gentleman was present who was able to talk horse very fluently, but couldn’t talk anything else. Not being able to talk much horse, the little lady was puzzled how to entertain this guest, until he casua*Uy mentioned that he formerly lived in a certain Michigan city. ‘ Oh, yes,’ she exclaimed, ‘ I read there only a few evenings ago, and had a most charming audience.’ Then she added: “ They have a very fine course there.’ And he, delighted to find a woman who knew something, enthusiastically replied : ‘ Yes, they have as nice a mile track as there is in the State.’ The subsequent silence cast a gloom over the entire community. Hawkeye.” What He Would Do.—lt was in the smoking car on the New York Central; there was one chap who was blustering a great deal and telling of h«w many duels he had fought, and behind him sat a small man reading a magazine. ‘ Sir !’ said the big man, as he wheeled round, ‘ what would you do if challenged ?’ ‘ Refuse,’ was the quiet reply. *Ah ! I thought as much ; refuse and bo branded a coward. What if a man offered you the choice of a duel or a public horsewhipping—then what ?’ ‘ I’d take the whipping.’ ‘Ah ! I thought so thought so from the looks of you. Suppose, sir, you had foully slandered mo ?’ ‘I never slander.’ ‘ Then, sir, suppose I had coolly and deliberately insulted you ; what would you do !’ ‘ I’d rise this way, put down my bopk this way, and reach over like this and take him by the nose as I take you, and give it a three-quarter twist — just so !* When the little man let go of the big man’s nose, the man with the white hat on began to crouch down to get away from bullets; but there was no shooting. The big man turned red, then pale, then looked the little man over and remarked : ‘ Certainly—of course—that’s it exactly!' And then conversation turned on the general prosperity of the ccuntry.— ‘ Detroit Free Proas,*