MISCELLANEOUS.

Globe, Volume XXIV, Issue 2656, 11 October 1882, Page 3

MISCELLANEOUS.

A Pattern Woman—The dressmaker. A Wooden Spoon—A blockhead of alorer. Libel Defined.—A law student once defined a libel as ‘something a man *ay«, and afterwards wishes to goodness he hadn’t.* K othing.—A man intruded into an Irish, man'* cabin the other day. 1 What do job want?’ asked Pat. ‘ Nothing,' was the viator's reply. ‘Thenyou’ll find it in tha jug where the whiskey was,’®eaid Pat. Heard the News in Time, —‘ Yon picked the pecans on Onion Creek, ton fay P* said an Austin reporter yesterday to a yonng man ok a waggon fi)led with pecan*. ‘ Yes, sir,’ he replied, * that’s where they came from. 1 ‘ litany up there?’ ‘Plenty of them.* ‘Believe I'll try a few,' quizzed the reporter, taking a big handful of tno nocac*. • I’ll B ell you a whole pack for 50 cents,’ raid the man, with swelling eyes. ‘Only want a few. Say. do you know any news?’ ‘Not a hit, sir; everything ij dull up our way.* ‘Don’t you know anything?’ ‘ Well, I believe I did hear some news yesterday.’ ‘ What was it ?’ asked the ropo; ter, cracking a pecan. ‘ There wrs u man (•o~ eighteen shots in him near vho.te X live.* ‘ Who shot him?* ‘X did.' ‘What did you shoot him for?' asked the reporter, aghast. ‘For stealing some pecans oat of my waggon,’ said the countryman, reaching under the seat for hie shot gun. The reporter hentity rsplaoed the pecans in the waggon, and after calling the countryman ‘ Colonel,’ disappeared around the corner.—Texes Siftings. Had a Good Thing,—A stranger who seemed to be from Connecticut was strolling through Battery Park the other day, when he was accost ed by a match pedlar, and asked to make a purchase. ‘ No, thankee, I don’t smoka, chew, play cards, or drink whiskey, and so I don' t need them,’ was tha reply. * I am very poor,’ pleaded the match man. ‘Ah ! then you put it on the ground of charity, oh P very well. Now, my friend, how much do you make on a box of matches ?* * Truce cents.’ ‘And how old are you?’ ‘Thirty-five." ‘Just so. You have fifteen years of active life before you. In fifteen years thera are 330 months, 1320 weeks, or 9240 days. Knock off the Sunday* and we have 7940 days cn which yon can sell matches. You ought to sell fifteen boxes per day. That is an income of 45 cents. 7940 days, multiplied by 45, gives 357,720 cents, which is 3577, SOdol., and don’t you forget it. No, sir, I can’t buy on the grounds of charity. You’ve got a good thing. All you've got to do is to persevere, k*cp your money in an old stocking, and at fifty retire from busiueaii and invest in seven per cent, securities. I’aes on, sir.’—Wall street New*. Brother Gardner on Emblems.—A com. municalion from Oberl.n, 0., signed fay Jndga Barnett, Bon Colwell, Professor Lane, and other colored men of national renown, stated that the colored people of the Buckeye State hai concluded to adopt the sunflower as their emblem, and the assistance of the club is making it national web solicited. ‘ I dean’ taka no stock in emblems,’ replied Gardner as tha letter was filed for answer. ‘ Da laziest crowd I ebsr knode had a beaver for its emblem. I have seen a dozen saloons wid beehives ober tha doehs, A man may taka s dove for his embler , nn’ yet kip his wife carryin’ a bla-k eye ten months in dc y’ar. If de cull’d people of Ohio feels de need of an emblem, de sunflower is as good as any odder. It’s a flower which stays out all night widout goin’ to sleep nex’ day. Yon kin alius tell whar to find it. It grows faster dan da turnip, on’ produces a bigger head dan da cucumber. Die club won’t pledge itself te any pertiekler emblem at present, bnt will continue to do whitewashin’ at de same reasonable figgers, an’ put a batter shine on a stove for twenty-five cents dan any odder club for fo’ty.—Detroit Free Press. She Was a Poor WomEE,—‘Catherine Wilson, what did I say to you the last time you were here ?’ asked hia Honor cf a very tall, elim woman who was first cat. ‘I don’t exactly remember, sir, but I presume yon said you were sorry for a poor widow like ma.’ ‘ Didn’t I say that the next time you came here on this charge of intoxication 1 should have to sand you up P* ‘lf you did I’vo forgotten. Bsmembsr, sir, lam a lone wid ow.’ ‘ Yes.’ ‘ And have been for fifteen, years.* * Yus.’ ‘ And that my poor innocent bate is dreadful sick.’ ‘ Whai! a widow for fifteen years, end yet having a sick baby at home! Isn't that rather stc-ep, Mrs WilsonP’ ‘ I—l didn’t mean that, sir, of course I didn’t. Whai I meant was that my poor husband is under the doctor's care.' ‘ What sort of a widow lore you, Catherine, with a husband cn' your hand-_? ’ ‘ I—l— ’ * I guesa so,’ dryly replied the Court. ‘I wouldn’t meke any more statements if I were you. The charge is that you ware drunk and disorderly.’ ‘Ah, sir, but if yon only knew what a poor widow—no I mean what a poor woman I am, you’d pity me !’ ‘I know you get intoxicated.’ * Yes sir, but tha tea flew to my bead. 1 ‘ToaP’ ‘I mean the coffee.* I Don’t yon mean the beer ? ’ ‘1 guess I do, but if you knew what a poor woman I was you’d let mo go and pay my back rent besides.’ ‘Well, I don't know what a poor woman you are, and so I shall send yon np for thirty days.* She tiled to faint, but Bijah held her up, and walked her off.— ‘ Detroit Free Press.’ Lots of Fan in Him.—One of the member* of the Methodist Conference held in Detroit was out for a walk at an early hour one morning, and encountered a strapping big fellow who was drawing a waggon to a blacksmith’* • Catch hold here and help me down to the shop with this waggon, and I’ll buy the whiskey,’ cried the big fellow, ‘I never drink,' solemnly replied the good man. ‘Well you can taka a cigar.’ ‘ I never smoke.’ The man dropped the waggon tongue, looked hard at the member and asked: ‘ Don’t yon chew?’ ‘No sit,’ wis the decided reply. * You must get mighty lonesome,’ mused the teamster, I I gus»s I’m all r ght ; I feel first rate.’ ‘ I’ll bet you oven that loan lay you on your back,’ card the teamster. ‘I never bet, said the clergyman ‘ Come now, lot’s warm up a little.’ ‘ I’m in a hurry,’ ‘ Well, let's take each other down for fun, then. You are as big as I am, and I’ll give you the under hold.’ • I never hove fun,' solemnly replied the member. ‘ Will, I'm going to tackle you anyhow. Hero we go.’ The teamster slid np and endeavored to get a back hold; but he had only jnst oommencei his fun when he was lifted clear off the gross tsnd slammed against s tree box with such force that he oouid not catch bis breath, ‘ Now, you keep away from me,’ exclaimed 'hs minister, picking np hia cane. ‘Bust mo if I don’t.,’ replied the teamster s* he edged off. ‘ What's ‘.he use in lying and saying you didn’t have an/ fun in you, when yon are chock full of it ? You wanted to break my back, didn’t you ? ’ —‘ Detroit Free Press,’ ‘Ask no woman her age,’ says a recent writer on social ethics. Of course not. It would be folly to ds so. Ask her next be*t lady friend. ' She will never fail to give the information.

There wag a very irascible old gentleman who formerly held the position of justice of the peace in a backwoods village. Going down the main street one day, an idle person spoke to him without coming np to his Honor’s idea of deference. ‘Young man, I fine you five dollars for contempt of court.’ ‘ Why, jurige,’ said the offender, ‘ you are not in fission.’ ‘This court,’ responded the justice, thoroughly irritated, ‘ is always in session, and consequently always an object of contempt.’ There naa disorder in court as his Honor prosed on. A Philadelphia grocer, being solicited to entributs to the building ot a church, promptly subscribed his name to the paper in the following eccentric manner:—‘John Jones (the only place in town where yon can get eleven pounds of sugar for a dollar), 25 baits.’

Miss Brown, who is no longer young, waa chidi- g Miss Moire for her foolishness in curving a parasol, which Mies Brown said wos*useless und a piece of affectation. ‘I never curry a parasol,’ she said. ‘No,’replied Miss Mcirc; 1 people on the shady side cr life have no use for them.’

An enterprising Boston book agent, returnin:: from New Ycik with some elegantly bound and costly copies of the revised New Tiv.tsru.-ut, goon found his way into the director’s i oom of cm. of State street Banks, and eas- the cashier, who, as soon as ho detected h;s business, ordered him cut, the book agent quietly remarking, ‘ I meet so many gentle-r.’-sa In tro course cf a week that I can afford to mset a snob occasionally,’walked oat. The next day ho called at the Bank again, and wished to open an account. He was again thosvn into the directors’ room, gave very satisfactory reason* for opening the account, c-rd dopotiled 3000 dollars. The cashier could haidly do loss than apologise for bis rudeness the day preceding, ordered an expensive copy of the work, and allowed access to the teller, bookkeeper and clerks—several c £ whom did the tame. Two day* afterwards every cent was drawn out.