VARIETIES.

Globe, Volume XXIV, Issue 2437, 27 January 1882, Page 3

VARIETIES.

The “ Faculty " of Advocates —Speech. The long ulster covereth a multitude of shins.

It is strange that the prodigals are almost invariably sons. A burnt moustache dreads a short cigar. Features of Parliament—Ayes and noes.

Non-Union Men—Bachelors. Grave Subjects—Those in a dissecting room.

Always Goes Bound with a Bong Face—An alligator. When a shoemaker takes a wife, does bolay hie all at her feet ? Why should a tenant insist on a lower rent when all rent is hire 1

A scolding wife is not a “ joy for ever she's only a temper-ary affair. A drapery house advertises lawn dresses that will wash. Isn’t it the business of a laundress to wash P

Many young ladies at the seaside take mors interest in tho wave of one handkerchief than, in all those of old ocean.

Why are not many of the handsome watchchains one sees like silence ? Because they are not gold. It is one of the easiest things in the world to make a blunder, but how hard it is sometimes to “ repair" one. Bed used on a railway signifies danger, and says, “ Stop!” It is the same thing displayed on a man’s nose.

When in conversation a man abruptly “Beg pardon!" he means that he wishes todo all the talking himself. In Canada, when a man is seen staggering along the street under the influence of. liquor, he is described as “ doing the outer edge.”

Fruit is gold in the morning, silver at afternoon, and lead at night. Look at Adam, who got into trouble eating an apple after Eve.

Monsieur : “Do I make the laws la my own bouse, or do I not? Answer me!" Madame: “ Possibly, but nothing shall hinder me from presenting amendments." He was a good man. His voice was ever lifted up in behalf of the right, and his verylast breath was used in blowing down ths barrel of his shot gun to see if it was loaded. It was.

Miss Fanny Josephs, a charming actress, who, in consequence of an aesident, has been for some time absent from the stage, will make her rentree in “ The Two Boses,” at the Lyceum. “ The mainspring of Italian music in the eighteenth century," says a recent writer, “ was the exclusive and passionate worship of the human vsice." But Italian music hae experienced a change. Its mainspring is nowin a box, and is worked with a handle. An Illinois paper asserted that “ there is one jackass in our State Legislature," and before noon of the day on which the item, was published the editor received a note from every member of the House, including the Speaker, telling him to retract or look out for a libel suit.

At a Smoking Concert —Herr Professor (to young Warbleton Peacocks, who has just suug Beethoven’s “Adelaida”): “Ach! vat a peautivul zong zat is. I had herrt it rang by Oartoni, I had herrt it zong by Zims Beefs. Zey zung it ferry veil, put I haf neffer trite known how peaudivul it was till I haf herrt it zung by you ! (Young P. blushes.) Vy, my young vrent, efen you gannot make it titiouloui! ” —“ Punch.”

Outwabd Bound.—Bmythe, Forbes, and Parkinson, fearing lest they should succumb to the charms of Maud, Marian, and Margaret Wilmot (and the wiles of those young ladies’ clever mamma), secure berths on board the Trans Oceanic Steam Yachting Company’s vessel Colombo for a trip round the world. Just as they have paid their fares (£BOO each) whom should they meet coming into the company’s office but Mrs Wilmct herself, with her three lovely daughters at her heels—all four evidently bent on the same errand.— “Punch.”

It was all Eight.—Several persons were making purchases in a grocery in Kansas city on a snowy day, when an old man with a can in one hand and a bundle in the other entered and asked, “ Did any of you drive up here in a sleigh?” “Yes; I did,” replied one- “ Was it an old white horse?" “Yes.” “ And an old woman in the cntter ?” “Yes.” “And can she manage the boss ?” “ I guess she can.” “ Then it’s all right,” said the man of the can and bundle. “ The old hose has run away, and the old woman is hanging to the dashboard and shouting ‘murder!’ with all her might; but if she can manage him there’s no use of anybody getting excited over it. Let me enquire what the price of cranberries is to-day ?“ Wanted to be Banged—Johnson Fox was a man of fifty, with iron grey hair and a dignified look, and only a close observer would have noticed the brandy in his eye as he entered a hair-dressing shop on Michig n avenue and politely queried of the woman □ attendance : “Madame, do you bang hair?" “Every day in the week, sir,” she replied. “ Then I wish to be banged, and I will afterwards select a summer bonnet." She resisted and he persisted, and when she finally made the fatal discovery that he was “slewed,” she ordered him out. “ I'll never go there." A ahy young man of -cotland for fourteen years had wooed the lassie of his heart. One night Jamie, for that was the young man’s name, called to see Jennie, and there was a teirible look about his eyes—just as there is sometimes when they’ve made up »heir minds to pop the question. And Jam’a came in and eat c'orn by the fire just as 1 e had done every Tuesday and Prldaynight for fourteen years, and ha talked of the weather, and the cattle, and the crops, and the stock market, I was going to say—but no, they didn’t talk about that. And finally, Jamie said:—“l’ve known you for a long time." “ Yes. Jam’.e,” she said. “ And—l’ve thought I’d slways like to know you, Jennie." “ Y-e s Jamie." “And so I’ve bought—a lot—Jennie.” 11 Y-e-s —J-a-m-i e.” “So—that —when—” “ Yes—Jamie—y r es." “ We’re dead we can lay our bones together.” The fool had gone and bought a lot in a graveyard, but Jennie was not discouraged. Bhe knew her man well—after fourteen years she ought to—and so she said gently: “Jamie.” "Yes, Jennie.” “Don’t yon think t’wonld bo better to lay our bones together while we’ra yet alive?"