MISCELLANEOUS ITEMS.

Globe, Volume XXIV, Issue 2429, 18 January 1882, Page 4

MISCELLANEOUS ITEMS.

A beggar in Dublin who had boon a long time besieging an old, gouty, testy, limping gentleman, who refused his mite with muoh irriUbility, said one day : " Ah, please your honor's honor, I wish your heart was as tender u your toes." The Countess of A woe summoned a> a witness in a Frenoh Court. " Your ape. madatne ?" asked the Judge. "My ogeP" said the Countess; '.' well, I—really have such a miserable memory." "But certainly you must know when yon were born?" "No, indeed, Judge, on my faith I don't; I was so little at the time." The Judge did not insist any further. A paragraph writer on the " Boston Post reaffirms the statement that neoessity is the mother of invention. " Sometimes," he says, " we want the door between our office and the one next to it closed, and the editor in that room of oourse feels, if we get up and shut it, that wo are getting high-toned and exclusive, and it wounds him ; and we don't like to do that, so we have invented a way to make him shut the door himself. We sing." Men who were euttlers in the army became colonels and generals at the close of the war. —" New Orleans Pieayune." Correct. We met with one the other day. He is now a Major-General. Charged us at Harrison's Landing sdols. for a bottle of logwood and 3dols. for a bottle of mixed piokles. That is to say, obarged it up.—" New York Commercial Advertiser." Very few people have any idea of the slowness the Austin street car is capable of. Only yesterday a lady with a two-year old boy got in the car. She paid her own fare, and asked what was the charge for the infant. "No charge. We only charge for adults." "Then I might as well pay. He will be grown up before he gets them. I'm going five blocks." —" Texas Sittings." Rather Difficult to Please—A gentleman who was rather impatient at table, deolaredjhe wished he oould manage without servants, as they were greater plagues than profit." " Why not have a dumb waiter ?" suggested a friend. " Oh, no," returned the other, " I have tried them ; they don't answer." " O, yer don't want to go into business, don't yor ?" said an angry Cockney father to bis lazy and loutish son. " Yer want an appointment in the Post Horfice, do yer ? Post Horfloe, indeed! Why, all your fit for ia to stand outside with your tongue hout for people to wet their stamps against!" There is imminent danger of a wedding in this town. The other day the young minister accused a fair heathen of attending another church. " You have been running after strange gods," he says. "Nay," eaid the fair penitent, " but strange gods have been running after me."—" McGregor News." A young Frenchman, who had sown a heavy crop of wild oats, determined to get married and settle down. On the wedding day his mother-in-law said to him; " I hope, my dear son-in-law, that you will be guilty of no more follies in fut-.nre." "My dear madam," he replied, " I promise yon that this shall be the last." Poor whisky makes rich divorce lawyers.— "Chroniole Herald." Now tell us what good whisky does.—" Williamsport Banner." VVoll, with the other ingredients, it makes excellent milk punoh. It also causes bad headaches, oreates a demand for Seltzsr water and makes America ashamed of its Congressmen. [" Chroniole Herald. "2 Count Von Moltke, Field-Marshal General of the German army, has adhered to hie determination already announced, and has resigned his position of ohief of the Imperial staff, his advanced age, eighty-one years, being assigned as the sole cause of bis retirement. General Wattersee, of the staff of the Imperial army, has been appointed his successor. At the elections in Germany Bismarck's son William was defeated by the Liberals in Mulhausen by 5000 votes. The opposition may prove strong enough to make necessary the dissolution of Parliamont. "It is impossible," said one politician to another, " to say where your party ends and the opposition party- begins." " Well, sir," replied the other, "if you were riding a jaokass, it would be impossible to say where the man ended and the donkey began.'' She jammed a hairpin in her head— It made it feel quite sore— She murmured, in an undertone, ' 'lwon't hairpin any more' Her lover heard this dreadful jest, And cried, in deep distress; ' That pun, my darling, pon my word, Has wrecked my hairpinesi.' A young lady was sitting with a gallant captain in a charmingly decorated recess. On her knee waa a dimiuntive niece, placad there to play propriety. In the adjoining room, with the door open, were the rest of the company. Says the little niece in a jealous and very audible voice, "Auntie, kies me too." We leave you to imagine what had just haopened. " Sou should say twice, Ethel, dear; two la not grammar," waa the immediate rejoinder. Jr'roderick William IV., of Prussia, once npon a time stopped at a little railroad station where a deputation, headed by the Mayor of the adjscant village, awaited him with an address. Jo.it as the Mayor braced himself up to deliver his oration, "a neighboring ass did sing both loud and clear." A frightful silence ensued, but tbe King did not long delay in breaking it with the paternal and graceful remark— "One at a time, gentlemen ; one at a time." Sidney Smith was a man who could not let piss a chance to make a joke, and he did it even when the subject in hand was of the g-avost. John Bishop Selwyn departed for Wew Zealand. Smith took him warmly by the hand said—though there waa the tremble of tad memories in hia voice : "Goodbye, my dear Selwyn ; I hope yon will not disagree with the man who eats you," Foate, the great wit, shot many an arrow that remained quivering in the wound for a long time. When some one, with bad taste, raised a laugh against him on the subject of hia lameness, he turned on the intruder and said, sharply: "Why do you attack my weakest part? Did I ever Bay anything about your head ?' " What is your name?' asked a teacher of a boy. "My name's Jul," waa the reply, whereupon the teacher Impressively said: " Youabonld have said, " Julius, sir." And now. my lad," turning to another boy, " wh»t ia your name ?" " Billions, air."

Bulls that are constantly oonflned are apt to beoome vicious ; but muoh depend, upon hie keeper. Any keeper who systematically maltreats a bull, or appears timid in going about him should bo changed at once. There is considerable art in bringing up a bull properly. The following is given as a simple remedy for scratches and oraoked heels : Mix flowers of sulphur and glycerine into a paste, using sufficient glycerine to give it a glossy appearance. Apply the paste at night, and in the morning before going out apply plain glycerine.