THE LOAFER IN THE STREET.

Globe, Volume XXIII, Issue 2335, 27 September 1881, Page 4

THE LOAFER IN THE STREET.

I think it was the immortal auctioneer Gocrgo Robins, who by dint of skilfullyworded advertisements, whioh made a sandy desert into a paradise, coined money. There is at present an advertisement in your paper which reminds mo a good deal of Mr G. Bqbina. It is quit 3in his style, commencing with a poetical preliminary as thus " Tho Now Bsautiful Beaside Watering Place." " The Choicest Spot in Canterbury." " For Purity of Air and Grandeur of Scenery Unrivalled." Further on wo learn that this rooet fui spot ii situated on the terrace facing the blue water of the Pacific, and that tho land is rich ar.d "iil grow anything, so thßt tho formation cf well stocked gardens -will give additional beauty to the Boone. Good sea fishing cin readily be had, while market gardoner* will give (I rathor doubt the giving) a supply of vejetablos of all kinds." It's a grandly worked up advertisement, and I trust "the cboitvst spit in Canterbury" will fetch a tremendor.? price.

Many ot jour readers will recollect the story or the editor of a very diminutive Scotch psp.ir who commenced a most scorching leador as follows—" We once mere warn the Emperor of Bussia, &o. lam reminded of this story by a leador in a Jersey paper in whioh the write-' makes the following remarks—"lt ia highly desirable that English colonies should be made to rely more on themselvea for dofer.ee and protection than they now do. Canada, tha Cape Colony, and New Zealand should, in fact protect themselves, or if they require military aid from the mother country, they should pay for it. What is wanted is to teach tho colonies the virtues of splf-dependence and self-govern-ment, and to aid them in good governmeat, the extension of trade and commerce, and ocir.onting tho bond of union between England and her colonial possessions." This is really beautiful. The writer warns—not the Emperor of Kusaia—but the colonials. Both writers probably possessed about tho lani) kno7rlodga of their respective aubjoota. I have received the following curious letters from a Canterbury schoolmaster, who got them from the dear mamma of one of his pupils. The lady in question fanoiea herself on her powors of correspondence. Both letters ere excuses for tha boy's non-attend-ance. Here is the first one—-"°-a sor j „ This is the other—- " cep at ome to go a tatering." A gantleman, apparently of the Irish persuasion, with a lot of aliases, and who is describod in your paper as a strapping fellow, waa brought up last week before the B.M. Court. Judging from the evidence of Detective Neil, the party in question mußt be a roally sweet youth. He is one of those men who would rob a blind sow of a potato peeling. I judge 30 from the fact that he stole an orange from a little child, and then went cadging from a man on the ground that he was a di'charged hospital patient who had juat recovered from tho effects of a broken leg. Mr Neil stated that he " was well known bb a loafer." Not a real proper loafer, Mr Neil. A real loafer is not quite ao bod as this beauty. A real loafer would eall such a fellow as that well, never mind. At any rare, ho has got thrae months with hard labour in spite of his leg, and I think the magistrates might have ordered this strapping young party to get a strapping twice a week during his incarceration for robbing the ohild'a oracle. These heroes don't like being lambed over tho beck.

A Ohrigtchurch paper ie in tha habit of sending the following little circulars to those client!! who are slow at parting : 1. A cheque will oblige. 2. Your prompt attention is requested. 3. Please pay this small account in order to savo further expense for postage stamps. 4. This account has been owing a very long time, and should be settled at once. 5. This account is long overdue, and must ba pai;'. immediately. 6. Final Notice.—lf not paid within fourteen dayj this ccoount will be sued for. X w£3 at tha office in question one morning wi.cn two very tall squatters and one small or.e came in jto pay their acoounts. They produced the " Final Notice," and laughing informed the clork that they had got usud to thoso circulars now, and never parted until the summons was threatened. We get intereat on •■)ur Biigar, young man ! In rofctanca to the abovo I have a little story to tell. A young gentleman, whose nama could not be torn from mo by wild horses, recently had the whole lot of ciroulars Bent to him, and not seeing his way to part declared that if the l*3t throat was carried out would file. This lust straw did not brjrvk lie cimel's btvjii, but rather inspired h;ra to toko further proceedings. Tho judgment was obtained and execution issued. The bailiff in whose hands the matter was placed made fruitless search for many days for a new bicycle known to be the property of the recti)citrant one. But this gentleman subsequently ran right into the jaws of the lion and the fangs of the bear. He oaracoled gaily down to the B.M. Court to take out a summon? against eomebsdy for himself, leaving his bicycle against the wall of the Court house. The eagle eye of the bailiff had, howaver, cRUijM eight of him, and watching him into the office he wheoled the bioyols into his own room. Thus was the gontleman hoisted with his own petard. It's all right, however, now. Ho caracoles again on tho bioyolo. Ehat tho suit should have been instituted by one who had recontly some experience of bicyolen in tha District Court is not the least fumy part of tho affair.

Gantls roador (writes a funny correspondent), were you ever photographed ? I ask the question with a due sense of its importance, having recently, at the solicitation of the moat exigr.ntc of sisters, cousins, and aunts (shade of Sir Joseph Porter pardon me) submitted to that trying ordeal. I need not tell you that to an impecunious one care of the coins is absolutely necessary, thereforo I determined to nlaec mynelf under the sheltering wing of Lovewell, Wing and Co. In company with old Flonper—who is well known to tho newspaper world—l ascended the excruciating staircase of the transatlantic firm, and was duly interviewed by the female partner of the peripatetic show. I pass over the preliminaries. Suffice it to say in due courao I found myself in the chair of torture, and, in time was immortalised —or perpetuated, whichever you will. Then came the interval whilst the faithful record of the linoamonto of truly yours was being frizzled over tho stove. At last it was indelibly set, and then, as Siamese-twin fashion I found my venerable physiognomy was attached to another, as I had only gone in for a modest dozen. Then the bewitching Hebe of the establishment, failing, perhaps, to rocogniae my identity, faltorod in thrilling accents, "Sir, are you a ' Sunboam' or a 'Little Gem.' Quito taken aback, I faltered, 'My dear girl, 1 should think either of those appellations fitted your dear little Belf hotter than it fits me ; but that's my mug." Blushingly she applied the scissors, and divided tho resemblance of tho old man into twelve equal portions (suggestive of tho twelve tribes), and, having packed them up, we made an exchange of cards and coin, and I departed, musing on the questions, Is the " Loafer " a " Sunbeam " or a " Little Gem." fMemo. for ths writer of tho above—" Tho Loafer "is "a dazzling Gem."] I observe from Dunedin papers the jocund intelligence that the dear old Hoskins in playing there, and is {joins to take—it's true I aeeura 7011 —a benofit. It paina mo much to inform you that it is not stated to be 0 FAREWELL one. Those entertairmonts w:JI roll in as tho weeks pass on, and I montion the fact so that the Ohristohurch admirers of tho veteran actor may knovf he is ■coming here, hia intention being, as he stated I believe in Australia, to leave his bones flomowhere in New Zealand. The following is a poem which appeared in a Peninsula Hotel. Ido love sweet poetry. Iho beneath reminds one of tho low cooing Bwinbjmo : To arrive in Pigeon Biiy. Ho is a man of noted fame, A scoundrel of celebration, He will not scruple what he says, But at lying he whips the whole creation. Upon the topmost branch he stands Of impostors, rogues and villains, He'j con e to gull the country flats, Out of their hard earned shillings. Go to him and he will say, Improve your faculties he can, If you will pay the ready down, He'll make you quite a good man. Oh if ho can really make you good, I'm sure it's worth a shilling, But if he makes you like himself, He'll make you quite a villing.