LITERATURE.

Globe, Volume XXIII, Issue 2312, 1 September 1881, Page 4

LITERATURE.

AN OLD HEAD AND A YOUNG HAT. Mr Bumpus, returning to his home at Brixton in the small hours, was in the most amiable state of mind. He had spent a mo3t agreeable evening with his friends, he had won half-a-crown at whist, and waa comfortably warmed with wine: He was unconscious of having a singlo enemy in the woild : he envied no one. He waa not like Jones and Brown, and a dozen others who went home to their wives with sneaking, hang-dog facea, and lying excuses for being lato. When he hinted to Mrs Bumpus that he wished to dine with a few old friends, she had said—

'Go by all means, dear. It ia a long while since yon had any pleasure of the kind ; and it is natural and proper that men should meet and indulge in political and social discissions which the prasence of a lady naturally restricts. Go, [dear, and do not be concerned for me. I shall go and see mamma, and Hannah shall fetch me in the evening. I shall not sit np for you, because that might cause you to leave earlier than your host might deßire. There is a latchkey which you may take with you, if it is no t inconvenient, and you can come in when you piea3e. A light shall be left in the hall, and if there ia anything you want when you coma in you will fined the keys on my dr 83 sing-table.' Could any man have greater reason for feeling amiable and happy ? Mr Bumpus paid the cabman his fare, with an extra shilling and a couple of cigars for him3elf ; steadied himself by the lamppost, and made for the garden gate; steadied himself by the garden gate, and made for the Bteps, scrambled up them without much -difficulty to the portico column, and found his latch-key ; steadied himself once more, and made for the keyhole. Ee turned the key to the right, he turned it to the loft; he shook the lever gently, he shoved the door hard, and all to no effect; the door would not open. He looked at the door. There was no mistake. He was not so warm with wine that he couldn't discern tho number on the door or tho brass plate with his name ; besides, through the fanlight he saw the light still burning which his dear, sweet wife had left for him.

Perhaps he had double looked the door, of turned the key round too many times the wrong way. With these reflections he turned ai:d acrowed the latoh-key for another ten arinutes. At the end of that time he heard a light step descending the stairs quickly, a bolt moved, a handle turned, and then the deer opening, be saw dear Mrs Bumpus in her dressing gown. : My own dear, poor Jo,' she cried ; ' how king have yon been waiting there ? My poor, patient; darling, I'm so vexed. That utapid Hannah must have turned the bolt af tor I bad gone to bed. I have brought down the keys, Take them, dear. There L» aoda in the cellarette, and brandy, too, if ynu want it. Give me a kIBS, dear; and now I will run up, if you don't mind, for I have only my thin slippers on. Good night, Jo, dear. Hope you have enjoyed your evening.' With these words Mrs Bumpus tripped nputairs with a bright little nod to her husband, who stood with the keys in his hand looking after her with fervent admiration. Gould any man wish for a better wife ? He thought that perhaps just a leetle drop of soda with a dash of brandy would settle hl3 digestion ; so he went into tho diningroom, and after several ineffectual attempts to IgDite a match he succeeded, and put a light to the gas. As his eyes fell from the gati globe to tho tablo they fell upon a hat. Why had Hannah put bis hat on the dining-table, a little fool Ha took it up to remove it to tho hall, for he loved order, but as he looked at the inside his jaw fell- As he turned It over and looked at the outside bis hair stood on end. It was not his hat at all His hats were all old. It was only on Monday that Mrs Bumpus had begged him to buy a new one. Ha ! she had a partiality for new hats evidently. What did it mean ? What was the explanation of Mrs) Bumpus' excessive amiability ? Of the locked door ? He put down the hat upon the table, and folded hia arms, no longer warm with wine, bu:t cold, calculating, rational with jealousy. In the first place, wh-re was the owner of the hat ? In all probability he had bolted at the first sound of the key turning in the lock ; but possibly he was yet hiding in the house. To hunt the house from coal-cellar to cook-loft would be ignominious, and perb,2>£s futile. It might even resu'.t In his re-

oeivlng the thrust of a dagger or a blow In the eye. He resolved that the more becoming thing to do was to beg Mrs Bumpus to rise, to bring hor down with guarded politeness of self-control, and placing her face to face with the hat, demanded quietly how it oame there, and whom it belonged to. He pulled hii cravat round in its proper place, aud ascended at once to hia wife's chamber. At her husband'* request Mrs Bumpus rose and put on her dressing gown and slippers ' What has happened Jo, dear 1 ' she a?ked.

' That is what I want to know,' he replied. ' And bo good enough, madam, to call me either Joseph or Bumpus.' ' What havo I done, dear ? Oh, heavens 1 Did I neglect to put the soda in the cellarette ?'

Mr Bumpus curled his lip in scorn, and turned atvay without a word. ' Now I am ready, Jo—l mean Joseph—that is Bumpus, w'siohever Is agreeable, dear. lam so terrified by your manner that I hardly know what I am saying, or whether lam really awake. Take me down at once, and let me know what I have forgotten or neglected to do.' Mr Bumpus bowed, and solemly led the way down to the dining-room, ' Madam, whose hat is that ?' he asked, printing his finger sternly to the hat. •Yours, dear, is it not ?' ' No, and you know it Is not. Have I a new hat ? I ask again, whose hat is that V ' I—l—l really don't know.' * Here, woman I Do not attempt to deoelveme! I now come to the second question. How did that come there ?'

' I have not the slightest notion.' • Guilty and perjured female! How_ dare you keep that hypocritical air of astonished innocence upon your face when you know too well the dishonor in which '

1 Mr Bumpus, do you know what you are saying, and to whom you apeak ?' * Perfectly well, madam. I am not at all excited. I ask you in a calm and rational spirit who tho deuce that hat belongs to, and how the devil it got here ? Don't answer me, madam, I know the false ways of women ; I know why you wore so anxious for me to go to the dinner party ; why you pretended a desire to see your mother—an old cat! why you bade me take a latch-key, and why you kept me fumbling at the door for half-an-hour. I know all. I know everything. Why was it you wished me to buy a new hat; it was that I might resemble some stuck-up, over-dressed, ladida young monkey you have secretly acquainted yourself with. You thought to deceive me, bat you didn't, madam, 7 suspected all from the first, and only acquiesced with yomr suggestions to oatch you in the trap of your own setting. I saw through your meek obedienoe to my commands which I own were despotic and irrational. I refused cold mutton and you never let the joint re-appear upon the table ; I objeoted to paraffins lamps and you replaced them with lamps of colza ; I showed displeasure when your mother came to see you, and from that day she has never entered the house. Little did you think how in my heart I loved cold mutton, paraffiue lamps, and my mother-in-law, and that in objecting to them I merely exposed you to a teat. Is it in human nature to submit to such ridiculous conduct without a motive ? No ! And your idea was to hoodwink mo, to blind me, to get me out of the heuse while you received the addresses of the honnd whose hat that is. For you, madam, I have only pity and disgust, but for the man who wore this hat I will trample him under my feet, as I now trample his hat. I will tear out his heart as I now tear out the crown from hia hated hat, and as I strip off the brim and shred the loathed body of this chimney-pot into shapeless and unrecognisable atoms, bo will I wrench the limbs from his body and his coat from his back 1'

Mr Bumpus sank into a chair, amidst the fragments of the hat he had torn to pieces, exhausted ; and, panting for breath, he sat there glaring around him. Suddenly he caught sight of Mrs Bumpus stooping to pick up a piece of paper from the fiojr. With renewed energy he bounded from hia chair and snatched the paper from her hand.

* Wretch !' he cried, ' you would secure further evidence of your guilt from my eyes to save the man who has plunged us Into misery. I will have it—'tis a letter —an assignation—a ' He Btopped abruptly as he opened the folded paper and read its ocntents ; then, dropping the pap»r, he turned his back upon his wife and leant for support upon the mantel piece. Mrs Bumpus stooped and picked up the paper. With trembling hands she held It open, expeoting to see some fresh end damning evidence against her. This is what she read—

• April, 1881. 1 Mr J. Bumpus to Bnrgess and Co., ' Hattera to the Ropal Family. ' To blocking, ironing, and relining silk hat ss.'

He remembered sending the hat to be done up, and the next day he called upon Burgess and Co. to pay for the hat they had repaired and he had destroyed. As a peace-offering to his injured and Innocent wife, he bought himself a bran new hat at the same time.

He went home with a sheepish air that evening ; but Mrs Bumpus was the best of wives, and could make allowances for a husband who had been dining too freely. Her only punishment was to heap coals of fire on his head by providing for hU enjoyment that evening the three things which he had professed to love, to wit—cold mutton, a paraffin lamp, and his mother-in-law.