THE LATE J.P. CONSULTATION; OR, HOW THEY MAKE JUDGMENTS.

Globe, Volume XXIII, Issue 2303, 20 August 1881, Page 3

THE LATE J.P. CONSULTATION; OR, HOW THEY MAKE JUDGMENTS.

■» A JUDICIAL EXTRAVAGANZA. By a " Ceicket on the Hearth." Acr I. Scene—A big crowd in a small Court. Time, morning; Giles the Giant stands charged with violently assaulting Mcses the Motqnito, On the Bench four J.IVs, swelling "swells," afterwards supplemented by a fifth, a, swellertr " swell " than the rest. Case called on. "Visible sensation" in Court. Moses the Mosquito looks expectant, and his "black eyes" gleam; Giles the Giant rears up in his box, a boxer defiant. Bolmes for Mo?cs ; Sharper for Gilea, Bolmes fays the pag s of history present no parallel to this case in its vsst importance, as bearing on the Liberty of the subject. THo glares at Giles, looks hopefully at Mosea. and appealiugly to the Bench.J The Bench leave off prospecting their ncses for pimples, and take notes Moses being called, d< scribc-s the scene in which the warlike Giles maiie his memorable onslaught on bio (Moses's) little person, and points with pathetic finger to his editorial optics encircled o'er with the wellknown purple blue. Giles, the Giant, is then introduced by Sharper, and pointing to a little pie.o of containing a conundrum, strikes his Btalwart stomach, and sajs—"lt is the cause, it is the cause, my soul!" Bolmes grins a grin of irouy ; Sharper weep 3 in his handkerchitf, and takes advantage of the opportunity to blow his nose. The Bench try to look as wise ns crows, and nearly succeed. This concludes the evidence, and Sharper orates for half an hour on the invasion of the domestic hearth by villains, i?nd chaßte reputations tarniehed by the polluted breath of tho f?nged monster —slander, as represented on this occasion by tho diminutive though corrupt bipod Mose 3, whom the impeccable Giles—who might be called a saint, and thus by a pleasing cono.it, St. Giles—had chastised in the name of sublime virtue. Tho Bench at this look sympathetic, as they think of their own (undiscovered) virture. Another " visible sensation In Court." Curtain. Act 11, Scene —A little room to which tho Bench have retired to consider their verdict. The Bench have distributed themselves on chairs : pipes, tobacco, spittoons, and pure cold water. Chairman Jack sits on the tab'e. The Chairman —Wow, genVemen, whit's t j be done ?

Porker —Can't we let the defendant off, and fine the other man.

Tam o' Shanter —No; we must save appearances. Let's strike at Liberty all we may ; But —do it, like the lawyers, in a legal way. Chorus of J.P.'s—Good; a Daniel cime to Judgment. The Chairman —Yea ; but let us come to

Judgment. We will discuss the question formally, but harmoniously. [Sings.] (Air —"Jolly young Bobins:n Crusoe.") This kind of thing really wont do, sirs. Supposing, for instance, that you, sirs, Instead of young Giles Were attack'd, you old files ; Oh, what do you think you would do, Bits ? Porker —True, oh King ; by these muscular calves, moat true. {_<'' igs ] (Air— 'Pin-behind')

Why, Jack, old bjy, you've given us good warning ; That Bag hath at my knickerbockers joked ! Let's pay it back with interest this morning » It's time the pestelential thing wai choked.

Chairman—Well, there's much in what you say—personal exparience certainly imparts wisdom. The man who hath sucked an egg in an advanced stage of decomposition regards with suspicion the fruitful product of the hen. But let ub proceed. Tam o' ishanter, what are your sentiments ? Tam [vigorously,]— (Air —" Caledonian Melody.")

By the blood of my ancestors —dear, most dear — To the heart of this valiant auctioneer

(4ud although an upholder of Peace I am), I applaud to the echo this bravo young man. The Chairman —Yea, you'll vote straight. But how do you come to your conclusion. What influence, for instance, works in your stuffed bo'Hom, and weighs upon the heart ? lam-Sj mpathy, my dear sir ; sympathy with offlijted reputable citizens, whoso homea have been ruthlessly invaded, and their sacred idols exposed in to the gizsofthe vulgar mass. This it is has made me take my seat here the first time for three years, The Chairman —Cood, You should pitch it liV; e that at the next sale of household fixing 3. But have you never been tickled up by the invader. Come, own up ? Tarn—Kover by my knighthood, and the hammer I wield 1 The Chairman—What never ? Tarn—Well, haidiy over. Chorua of J.P.'a—Ah, sly dog ; ah, sly dog! Chairman—Order, gentlemen, let us proceed decorously and in that spirit of highminded justice and fair play which has supported ua up to this point. West, my friend, give us your viows. West—Bedad, I will thin. [Sings.] (Soft Italian aria.) Mo namo Is W—n—ra, Ray, Bay ; Ar»' here'B tho Bivil to pay, Pay, pay. An Edithor's been bate ; Me 01, the idee'a shwait. Let's praise, be gob, the galliant Sboy that did it, The Chairman—Well, so far you appear pretty well of one mind. When we Justices do agree, our unanimity is wonderful. [Tom,

Pass tho—ahem—water jag. Thank you.] Now there only remains MoFierson. How , aie you inclined, my friond. True, you did i not hear much of the case, but perhaps that does not matter much. Mao—Oh, hang the evidence ; Let us not, while we are hero alono, With reangeful appetites keen set. "Pretend to pick tho bone." Our duty's plain—tho Liberty a jade is, Who must be crushed on earth or seat to Hades. Let young Saint Giles go tree on this occasion— Fine him a bob—to save the law's ovaBion. Cheers, and chorous of J.P.'a in tones of rapturocs admiration : Let us—let all the world agree, To profit by resembling tbieo. The Chairman —Gentlemen 'tis well. This most dolightful to my heart is. With vs no sordid intorest of Parties, Parties i-patcn in what wo havo to do Since one great wrong hath pinch'd each member's shoe, Wo, having suffered by our Liberty, Will show that Sho and Justico can't agree. Thus, for defondant, we a Bob will fine him : And Moses! —to his own remorse cons : gn him. And now, sirs, having thus our duty done, Let's steal an hour for recreativo fun. (Chairman sings)—" Wo are not So young as wo used to was " (with breakdown). (Chorus by Brother J.P.'s,, each mar. singing to his own tune, with great effect.) Curtain. Act 111. Scone —Tho Court—again crowded. Caual atmosphorical accompaniments of stalo boor, tobacco fumes, and damp shco leather ; populace expootant. Enter the members of tho Bench, in single file, ouch (old) file looking tied y and severe, to hide his jubilant emotions. They sit, Chairman Jack in tho middle. Mr P.d, the clerk, calls on the case, " Moses v Giles." More " visible sensations." Chairman Jack—Tho Bench, after due deliberation, have arrived at their decision. Looking at all the circumstaucos of tho case, they find that defendant Giles, being a large and muscular Christian, did violently and recklessly assault the diminutive and undersized Moses. The Bench havo carefully purused and studiod the little piece of paper which forms tho defendant's solo ground of justification; thoy have read it upsido down, sideways, and end-on, and have failed entirely to penetrate its meaning ; thoy are of opinion indeed that tho man who wrote it must have beon drunk ; nevertheless thoy are convinced that, whother by accident or design, the mystic paragraph was an insult to tho defendant, who was therefore justified in acting as he did. This Court lays it down as a maxim that a man would be justified in dangerously walloping his own mother, for a like cause of complaint. It is needless to observe that the members of this Bench have never read tho " Liberty." Some one in Court —What never! Chairman Jack—Nonstable, an est tl at person. Constable—Yes, your Worship. [Goes for that person, but doesn't find him.] The Chairman—And this Bench has accordingly confined its attention strictly to the merits of tho case before them. Plaintiff Moses—(Moses looks up with a feeble smile) —You have been severely mauled in your own house—which, according to a popular fancy originating in a bygone ago, is supposed to be a man's castle, where the spoiler enters at his own cost and peril—you have suffered exceedingly at the handß of a man three times your size and weight ; and the verdict of this Court is—" It serves you jolly well right." Cheers in the Court, which—the roporterß say —are promptly suppressed. The Chairman —ln this dooision my Bro. J.P.'s are all agreed. Bros., speak !

Porker—Wo is ! Tarn O'Shanter—We are ! West—We am ! McFieraen —We were! Judgment of tho Court —Defendant fined Is. Another visible sensation in Courf. Vive la Liberte. Curtain. V