THE LOAFER IN THE STREET.

Globe, Volume XXIII, Issue 2254, 19 May 1881, Page 3

THE LOAFER IN THE STREET.

I want to tell you a few little stories in reference to the recent census, which I have, with some trouble and promises of the deepest secrecy, collected from various sources.

The final columns on the census paper are all in reference to education; one of them requesting the information whether you can read and write. Here one lady filled_ this section in to the effect that she was highly educated and very accomplished, making “do. do.” for the rest of her family and lodgers. Another lady, of the Irish persuasion, had filled four of a family in the first column, but fire appeared on the educational columns. It was ascertained on enquiry, that the fifth entry referred to a child of eighteen months who had been dead some two years. This lady explained that she was quite certain that by this time he must hare learned where he was to read and write. Another lady staying at an hotel was quite disgusted at the idea of being wedged up on the census paper with a lot of mullock, and requested the proprietor to send at once for the sub-enumerator to provide her with a private form for herself. This, for some reasons best known to himself, the sub-enumerator neglected to do, not quite realising why this particular patrician should, like the McLeans of old, have an ark of her own. Finding that she had to fill the low thing in, she did so, but carefully appended a note to the effect that she was totally isolated from the other “ parties ” in the house, and wished the Government thoroughly to understand that she was not accustomed to associate on equal terms, even in a census paper, with people of that description.^ The sub-enumerators had a nice little bit of extra work in carting round the puffs of the Government Life Insurance. This was a very Luchie idea (observe the funni-ment, please), but the managers of the various Insurance companies consider this is not fair play, and intend requesting the Government to give them an equal show on the occasion of the next census.

Sir Hercules Robinson is a fortunate man, by which I mean he was always lucky in racing and other matters. This time, as a racing friend points out to me, he has struck a good treble —he has won the Autumn and Easter Handicaps and squared the Boers. I wonder what the odds were, say a year ago, against such treble coming off. The Atlantic cable to a bit of thread would about represent them.

“Miscellaneous —The Aberlemno, an iron barque of 760 tons, was spoken by the Athena on August 24th, when between the Devil’s Tower and Judgment Rocks. She was bound to Brisbane.” The above is quoted from an Australian contemporary, I suppose it’s all correct, but from the vessel’s position at the time of being reported I should have thought it very improbable she would reach Brisbane.

They were resting on the plough for a few brief moments, for the ground was sticky and the old hors# puffed. When I say they, I allude to two students at the Agricultural College. As they thus rested one of them produced a copy of the “Prairie Farmer,” in which there was an article headed “ Do we Plow too Much ?”

They discussed the question at some length, when one said, “ Well we shan’t plow enough if we don’t get on” ; and they gave the old horse a pleasant rib-binder and finished their tale for the day. A discussion such as the above shows the interest our rising young agriculturists take in their pursuits ; and, joking apart, I think the institution at Lincoln is a credit to all connected with it.

It’s curious to notice the various opinions expressed by different people on the future state. One of Bret Harte’s characters, whose friend has just been shot, hopefully observed that there was another world where we "should all shoot straight;” but the following paragraph from the “ New York Clipper ” evidently shows that the party referred to had his ideas of complete beatification however misplaced. “ The dying request of John Smith, of Madison County, Va., was that 40dols and a pack of cards should be placed beside him when he was laid away to rest.”

I thought in the matter of Reapers and Binders, the Osborne people had got ahead of their rivals in the picture representing one very forcible looking party with a mouth like an alligator, representing the fact to a quiet looking man that “ The Osborne Self-Binder is the Best in the Market, and MIND YOU DON’T FORGET IT,” but now the “Wood” proprietary bring out a touching picture of three small children, one a little girl, with the following foot-note. “ The above is from a photograph and a true picture. Think of 150 acres harvested by these three little children!!! Is any other comment necessary as to the simplicity and perfection of the Wood String Binder ?” In the description of the performance of the children we are informed that “ Pauline, a bright, intelligent girl of ten years, rode the leader; Johnny, six years, rode the off wheel horse; and Willie, nine years, occupied the driver’s seat, ano operated the machine as successfully as a grown person.” This is indeed an era in agriculture, and I make farmers a present of the suggestion derivable from it with much pleasure. It is often a warm time for the country Justices of the Peace when the regular R.M. is away from his duties for a time. “ Look here.” said old Jubbkins to a friend of mine, “ its a bad time for us when don’t come. There’s two lawyers comes regularly to us. Fiippert jumps up, states his cases, reading 100 selections from the law books, the meaning of which he may grasp, but Im blessed if I can, and finishes up his peroration by telling the Bench that until they decide the case in bis_ favor they have no conception of the rudiments of law, and

are virtually a pack of fools, or words to’that effect. Jawster follows on the other side, he quotes quite as many cases as Flippert, demolishes to a certain extent some of his learned brother’s arguments, and trusts that we shall mete out to his client that justice which he has a right to expect from anyone presuming to hold the appointment of a J.P., Now what’s a fellow to do under such circumstances ? Your head is ringing like a peal of bells ; you mix up Flippert’s remarks with those of Jawster. The more you look over your notes, the more feeble you get; and if the Olerk of the Court can’t pull you along a bit you have only to remand the case until the B.M. comes round again. This, you know, looks rather stupid, and I don’t care, even after all the experience I’ve had, to get much beyond the drunks, and a well-proved case of assault or petty larceny”. Most Church of England church-goers are familiar with the fact that the proceeds of the collection on Easter Sunday are presented to the minister as an Easter offering of goodwill on the part of his congregation. In this connection rather a good story comes to me from the West Coast. Early in the week preceding Easter Sunday, the following circular was sent around the flock :

"Dear Sir, —Sunday next being Easter Day, you are reminded that the 'offertory on that day is devoted ns an Easter offering to our clergyman. It you cannot attend church yourself, will yon kindly send your offering by the hand of some friend ? “ Blank Blankings, Churchwarden.’’

It was not a bad move, because if the request came off once in three times it woe good enough. The churchwarden evidently must have recollected Mr A. Ward’s notice to his audience : —“ You can pay without going in, but you can’t go in without paying.” One answer to the circular was thus worded : “ Dear Sir, —In answer to your request in reference to Easter Sunday, I fear I shall not be able to put in an appearance at church, and with regard to sending my donation by a friend, I regret to state that I have no friend in this town on whose honesty I could sufficiently depend to carry the amount (small though it be) of my subscription. I will, meet you during the week at Church (8), and gladly part to you with my own hand.” He did part too. Your Chinaman is not when he takes to business at all a useful colonist. I judge so from the following statement which appears in that useful publication the “ T.P.0.” : Lo Shing, draper, Dunedin. Liabilities— Sew Hoy, £113; On Yick, £36; Sow Shie, £37; Ahruah, £l6; Net Sin, £6. Total, £2OB, Assets —Personal effects, £6 ; book debts, £3OO, worth nil. I was engaged recently in copying some lists of names when to me entered an old friend who informed me that he had just purchased a manugraph, and suggested that I should utilise his instrument. We started on this [undertaking without delay. Owing to the ink being dense it took a long while to make a fair copy, and another long time to wait till it dried. We then took what my friend called the first impression, which be declared looked a great success. The print off was, however, as Dr Johnson would have said very “kativer.” Sheet after sheet was pulled, but half the names were represented by blanks. Hang the thing, said my friend, it don’t seem to gee well, does it. And as ho spoke he shoved the papers across the table, upsetting the bottle of ink (at 8a a bottle). It was a failure our experiment was, and we brought it to a well rehearsed finale by trying to follow the directions and remove the "Impression.” We tried with an energy worthy of a better cause to sponge it out, but there it stuck, and now glares on the owner from its place in the comer. We are going both to take lessons at once, and hope soon to be able to work a manugraph with any of them.