MISCELLANEOUS.

Globe, Volume XXIII, Issue 2222, 11 April 1881, Page 3

MISCELLANEOUS.

The applications for po itions as enumerators to take the census of the Indian tribes are not very numerous. While a man is taking the census of the Indian, the Indian may retaliate by taking the scalp of tho enumerator, and the price of a new head of hair wonld take all the profit off the job. And then a man couldn't write in a whole day more than a dozen Bnch[names as Hnckinockihugemsmuggerpankiwanki. Inhabitants of the sea of the whale order belong to the old school of fishes. Never does a man believe so strongly in the attraction of gravitation as when he sits down In a chair ai.d finds it gone. The man exhibits the greatest presence of mind who is never absant-minded at the sight ol the cont.ibution box.—" Boston Post " A beggar held ont his h'.nd. "I haven't a cent," said the gentleman. " I did not specify tho coin," re-ponded the mendicant. A meddlesome old woman was sneering at a young mother's awkwardness 'with her infant, and said, " I declare, a woman never ought to have a baby nnless she knows how to hold it." "Nor a tongue either." was the rejoinder.—" Yonkers' tiazstte." Fern gathering is the chief amusement at mountain resorts. Ferns generally grow in places where young ladies oannot get to without a great deal of assistance. —"Syracuse Herald."

The girl who did not receive a proposal of marriage on the hotel piazza says that oar summer seasons are very short. So is life, my dear !—*'B>ston Courier." When an American traveller in Europe wishes to write home to the local papjr about the sights, he almost always beginß by describing a cathedral. After that he tells about the viteyards. After that he says, •* I must leave the rest for another letter."

One glaring defect in Mue Dickinson's new play seems to be that the heroine is allowed but six changes of costume, while she should have about ten. This we Infer from the reading of the New York daily papers. —" Philadelphia Bulletin." One of the New York dry goods houses) has a new clerk, whose father, from the country, went in to see him one day, and was surprised to learn that all the salesmen had nicknames. He asked the floor-walker why his son was called" Jury 1" "Oh," was the reply, "he is always sitting on cases."

A correspondent of the Albany " Argus " predicts that " the time is near at hand when a race of honey- bees will be Introduced to the American people which have no stingers, and are as harmless and beautiful as butterflies, and at the same time as prolific and industrious as the Italian " Ostrich-farming is said to be extremely profitable in South Afrioa. We don't know much about such farming, but we suppose it is necessary to plough deep and plant not over four eggs in a hill. Sprinkle a little Paris green over the vines to destroy the bugs, and pick before the frost comes.— " Norristown Hernld."

A Galveston Gchool-teacher had a great deal of trouble making a boy understand his lesson. Finally, however, he sucoeeded, and drawing a long breath, remarked to the boy —" If it wasn't for me you would be the biggest donkey on Galveston Island."— «' ijalveston News."

Mark Twain, having been asked to contribute to the newspaper issued at the fair in aid of abused children in Boston, wrote : " Why should I want a Society for the Prevention of |Oruelty to Children to prosper, when I have a baby down stairs that kept me awake several hours last night, _ with no pretext for it but a desire to make trouble ? This occurs every night, and it embitters me, because I see how needless it was to put in the other burflar alarm, a costly and complicated contrivance, which cannot be depended upon, because it's always getting out of order and won't go; whereas, although the baby is always getting out of order, too, it can nevertheless be depended on, for the reason that the more it gets out of order the more it does go. Yes, I am bitter against your society ; for I think the idea of it is all wrong ; but if you will start a sooiety for the prevention of erueltv to fathers, I will write you a whole book." It is a terrible cold wave when she swings her handkerchief at your rival.—" Boston Globe."

Comments on the Message.—Scene in a Newspaper Office—Managing Editor—" We want a few lines on the Governor's message. What shall be said about it ?" Editor "Have you read it?" M.E. —"No; you ?" E.—" No ; John, have you read the message?" John— u No." E —" Jim, have you read it?" Jim—" No." E.—" Oh, well, call it an able document, which points out needed reforms and shows the increasing prnnperity of the State." If blxuob'. everybody's neighbors would take to heart the moral convoyed by this epitaph, how very much more peaceful and happy thi» world would be ! Thus the memorial of a poor woman runs : " Except in 1869, during which for several days Bhe took lesson* on tke piano, her life was without a stain. A Jersey man was one thrown one hundred and fifty feet by an express train, when he picked himself up, looked around for his hat, and remarked: " Well, if I don't find that hat, I'll make the company pay for it."