THE ETIQUETTE OF POLITE EXCUSES.

Globe, Volume XXIII, Issue 2218, 5 April 1881, Page 4

THE ETIQUETTE OF POLITE EXCUSES.

[From “The Quoon.”J

To make excuses on the spur of the moment, excuses both truthful and polite, and so framed as not to wound the susceptibilities or in any way to give offence to those to whom they are addressed, is to persons who enter largely into society often a matter of extreme difficulty; and through not knowing how gracefully to extricate themselves from a position in a way forced upon them, they are led into making many engagements both inconvenient and unwelcome ; into keeping promises which they would much rather not have made ; into giving and accepting invitations which they would rather not have given or accepted ; parting with things which they would far rather have kept ; lending that which they are certain will never bo returned ; meeting people they would rather not meet ; and so on through every phase of social life. Who has not heard some goodnatured friend say, “ I should not have gone, but I did not quite know how to get outof it,” or “ I was lot in for a very dull evening at the A.’s through not knowing what excuse to make,” and a host of similar observations, all bearing upon the one point that they have done that which they would rather not have done, occupied time in a manner exactly opposite to the one moat agreeable to themselves ? and this not through a spirit of unselfishness and self-sacrifice of pergonal inclination for the pleasure of others, but pimply through sheer inability to make at the right moment an excuse both reasonable and polite. The art of making excuses is one which people much in society find it absolutely necessary to cultivate if they wish to retain any command over their own time, their own movements, and wo might add their own property. or savuir viirre, is the key to this art, while frankness might certainly be termed the lock in which to place the key when making polite excuse*. It is surprising how far frankness will carry one in making an excuse either by word or by letter ; it appeals both to the good sense and to the common sense of the one to whom it is

addressed ; it softens the refusal, of whatever character it may be; it gives the assurance that no slight is intended, and that no arriere pensee exists. However, it not unfrequently happens that this charming quality cannot be exorcised, and when this is the cose tact and politeness alone must bo employed in forming acceptable excuses ; and very skilful and very clever are some in handling these offsprings of good marmers, and very clumsy are others in the use of them, if they H i not ult 'gethtr forget what valuable auxiliaries they era. Society may bo compared to a monster kaleidoscope with regard to the ever-changing and innumerable situations it presents to each of its members, and although no two situations or set of circumstances may be exactly alike, still there is a general resemblance throughout; the colour is the same, if the form differs. It is, therefore, almost invidious to select examples in illustration of this art or accomplishment, if we may bo allowed the expression. The question of invitations offers a large field for making polite excuses. Of course, in the case of a written invitation there is the one stereotyped excuse, “ a previous engagement but between friends, and by those with whom frankness is practised, this explanation is carried a step further, and the nature of the previous engagement is mentioned, and the name of him or her with whom it is made.

There is a certain flattery in this confidence very agreeable to the recipients, and even if unacquainted with the name mentioned, it conveys an assurance of the sincerity of the excuse, and it is true polite so to write where friendship exists. A previous engagement is also an all-para-mount excuse to offer in answer to a verbal invitation ; but it is when there is no such reason to give that the awkwardness of making a good excuse arises, whether the invitation bo to form a party at the theatre, or to dine or to lunch, or to join a party at some outdoor gathering, or whatever tho invitation be. A downright refusal, an uncompromising negative, carries on the face of it a brusqueness that savours of ungraciousness and discourtesy; whereas a polite excuse is compassed by a little judicious temporising, in a way breaking the force of o refusal; thus: “ You are very kind; but I am almost afraid I shall not be able to manage it,” &o.; or, "Thank you very much; but I am afraid you muit not depend upon mo ; in fact, I am almost certain I shall not bo able to come,” &o.; or, “I am not quite sure what Xam going to do on Saturday If you will allow mo, I will lot ycu know,” &o.; or, “It is very good of you to think of me, but I am afraid I cannot have the pleasure of joining your party. I won’t ask you to leave it open, as I know I shall not. be able to avail myself of your kind offer,” Ac.; or, “ I thank you very much, but I very seldom,” Ac.

The difficulty of making polite excuses is sometimes increased when a verbal invitation is given to a husband and wife, and they have not been able to consult as to whether they are unanimous in refusing it; or when the invitation is not given within the hearing of bo!h at the same moment. The one way of extrication is for the husband to refer to the engagements of his wife, or for the wife to refer to those of her husband, thus : “ Thank you very much, but I must talk it over with my husband ; I don’t quite know what his engagements are for that day,” &o.|j or the husband would perhaps give his wife tho cue that he wished to refuse, by saying, “ My dear, So-and-so is kind enough to ask us to,” &0., “but I am afraid we shall not bo able to manage it.” A variety of excuses, reasons given and reasons not given, are permissible in answer to all invitations save an invitation to dinner, the rule being that an invitation to dinner mast be accepted, unless a bona fide engagement can be pleaded in excuse. The question of ill-health would of course bo an all-suf-ficient reason for not dining out; but on the other hand, verbal invitations to dinner would hardly be given to those not well enough to accept them, while trifling ailments are never offered as an excuse. Polite excuses to unwelcome requests demand even more readiness of thought and speech, as refusals to such, if not guardedly conveyed, are likely to give offence, or to create an unpleasant feeling of annoyance. For instance, a lady is perhaps asked to chaperon the daughter of an acquaintance or a relative, or even a friend of a mere acquaintance. Compliance with this request is perhaps disagreeable for many reasons, while a refusal would appear ill-natured and unfriendly ; it is usually out of the question to frankly give the reasons that actuate a refusal to a request of this character, and people who make them are generally those who are ready to meet every weak objection with a contraargument. Thus, to the plea of not knowing many in the room, and of not proving a good chaperon in consequence, th-> overwhelming rejoinder is that the young lady only requires to be taken to the ball cr “at home,” and will give no further trouble to her chaperon, as she knows so many who are to bo there. This class of reply has to be anticipated when tho polite excuse is framed. Thus a lady might say, “ I hope you won’t think me very ill-natured if I say I cannot bo of use to you in this way, but I wish to be entirely free on this occasion us to my movements, both as regards arrival and departure j” or, “ I hope you will not mind my refusing to chaperon your friend, as it is very uncertain when I shall arrive, how long I shall stay, or even it I shall go at all at the last moment.” Answers such as these are given when no better reason for declining can be advanced.

Again requests are often made for “a drive ” by what are termed pushing people, which means to do all their shopping and all their calling and card-leaving in directions totally opposite to those which the owner of the carriage would prefer to take; or it may bo the people themselves are not the most congenial companions for an afternoon drive. In any case this oft-repeated request requires polite parrying, and many ladies, often on the spur of the moment, suddenly determine to go to some particular place, or to ask some particular friend with whom they have an indefinite engagement to drive with them, rather than bo compelled to accede to an unwelcome requst. It is not too much to say that there are ladies who levy quire a black mail upon the carriages of their goodnatured friends. Not only do they ask for a seat in a carriage, but also for the loan of the carriage for an afternoon or evening, while on the other hand there are ladies so inconsiderate, and we might say selfish towards their relations and friends whose incomes do not warrant their keeping that great convenience, a carriage, us never to give thorn a drive in their barouche, brougham, or victoria.

One word respecting more trifling requests, but which require an army of polite excuses. We allude to raids made by many upon the new music, the new books, the new magazines, and the new photographs of their friends and acquaintances. “Will you land me this?" or “May I borrow that for a few days?" or “Mayl take this—l won't keep it long;” or “ I must have one of these, I think I’ll take this one,” perhaps selecting the best of the cabinet photographs jnst sent home. Borrowers of books and music are usually those who would scorn to return anything so trifling, and who express themselves astonished at the meanness and pettiness of those who venture to ask that a song or book may be returned. Therefore, unless the loan is to be a gift, the request must be met by a firmness equal to the confidence and assurance of the would-be borrower. Thus—- “ I would rather you would not take it yet, if you do not mind, as I am reading it—l will lend it you a little later j” or, “ No, you really must not run away with that just yetor “ X can’t let you have that song until I have learned it, then I will make you a present of it if you like j” or “Oh! that is my favoritphotograph ; please don’t take it; when I have some others in that position yon shall certainly have one,” are some of the few defences which maybe attempted against letting borrowers have it all their own way, and cheerfulness and banter are perhaps the best vein in which to couch polite excuses in answer to these polite and pressing requests.

The wall-known Lynch family of belT ringers, instrumentalists, and vocalists, and their “English Specialty Combination,” comprising Messrs Ohas. Lyndhurst, the greatest living ventriloquist ; Alfred Santloy, baritone and comique; Frank Haroourt, lightning change artist; James Ward, basso ; and Prof. Alfred Statham, pianist—in all 12 artists—leave Melbourne on the 28Lh instant on a lengthy overland tour to Brisbane, proceeding c rom there to Java and the East At the Melbourne Opera House “LaFillo du Tambour Major” has entered upon its tenth week.

The Maecodon Minstrels, with E. B. Lewis in the company, are performing at St.Q-eorgo’s Hall, Melbourne.