MISCELLANEOUS.

Globe, Volume XXIII, Issue 2216, 2 April 1881, Page 3

MISCELLANEOUS.

A Scotchman, having a warm dispute with a London cabmanfchout his fare, said—“l'd have ye ken I'm a Mackintosh." To which the Cockney replied—“ Yon may be a humbreller, for all I knows, but my faro is eigb teenpence. ” A political speaker mentioned somebody as a Shylock, and an auditor asked who Shylock was. “If you don’t know,” the orator scornfully replied, “ You’d better go home and read yonr Bible.” Augustus Dabble (artist) —“ Don’t yon think it's about time I exhibited something ?” Severe critic (examining Babble’s latest production)—“ Yes, a little talent, for instance.” You may have seen a young man on one side of the gate and a maiden on the other side. Why they talk so long is because a great deal can be said on both sides. Foreman—“ Look here, fat ; yon just heard the governor say that job must be finished to night. ” Pat masther. I’ll have it done to-night if it takes mo till to-morrow marnin’ ”

A small boy rose at a Sunday school meeting and began to recite glibly—“ A certain man went down from Jerusalem to Jericho, and fell—and fell ” —here his memory began to fail him —“and fell by the roadside, and the thorns sprang np and choked him.”

“ Fanny, don’t yon think that Mr Bond is a handsome man? ’ “Oh, no; I can’t endure him. He is homely enough.” “ Well, he’s fortunate, at all events ; an old aunt has just died ard left him £50,000.” “ Indeed ! Is it true? Well, now I recollect, there is a certain noble air abont him, and ho has a fine eye—that can’t be denied.”

A schoolmaster had a great deal of trouble making a boy understand his lesson. Finally he succeeded, and remarked—“lf it wasn’t for mo you would be the biggest donkey in the town.'’

A young lady who had ordered & pair of unusually high-heeled boots was flushed by the announcement from Bridget, fresh from answering the door bell—“ If ye plaize, miss, there’s a man in the ball below wid a pair of shtilts for yez ” “ Write carefully, ’’ says De Quinoey, “ you can never tell how much good your work may accomplish.’’ No truer words were over spot en. A man took into a newspaper office a perfectly lovely poem about the sun-kissed leaves of September just as the office boy was building a fire in the grate and was looking for something to light it with.

It takes a while to get used to a woman’s ways. When a young husband steals up behind hia wife while she stands at her dressing case, and suddenly bends forward and prints an unexpected kiss on her lips, he gains the knowledge that a woman holds about a dezen pins in her mouth while she is dressing. A small boy went to see his grandmother. After looking eagerly around the handsomelyfurnished room whore she sat, he exclaimed, inquiringly—“ Oh, grandmamma, where is the miserable I able papa says you keep ?"—“Cincinnati Commercial.”

In Prance many professors of the art of cooking feed a family for so much a day and an additional sum for each guest. They bring the provisions, submit a menu, which may be changed, and send a cook to live in the house. At a dinner party they or their aids superintend. They are answerable for the cook.

Douglas Jerrold and the late Henry Compton went one morning to view the pioures in the “Gallery of Illustration.” On entering the ante-room, we are told in the memoir of the comedian, they found themselves opposite to a number of very long looking-glasses. Passing before one of there, Compton remarked to Jerrold, “You’ve come here to admire works of art. Very well-first feast your eyes on that work of natnre !”—pointing to his own figure reflected in the glass. “Look at it—there’s a picture f‘-r yon I - ’ “ Yes,” said Jerrold, regarding it intently, “ very fine, very fine indeed!” Then turning to his friend—“Want’s hanging, though ! ’ it was at a Chicago post office. The demoiselle was buxom, bashful, aged eighteen, and hailed from Berry town, the wanted five shillings’ worth of stamps. ‘■Five shillings’ worth,” repeated tUe smiling assistant; “of what denomination P” The damsel showed symptoms of embarrass ment, and hesitated to reply. She twirled her shawl fringe nervously, oast her eyes about to see if anyone was near, moved a little closer to the window, and finally asked In a timorous voice, “Do you hef tr write it down ?” “By no means,” answered the courteous assistant; ‘ that is not necessary ; but I presume you have some preference as to the denomination?” “Ah—well —yes,” replied the stranger, her face turning scarlet, “I hev some. I generally go to the ’Piscopal Methodist myself, but the gentleman I’m buying the stamps for, he’s a Universal ( rthodox.”

Solb- Agaln.—“Some years ago," writes Mr Toole in the “Bra Almanack,” “when I was playing in ‘ Dearer Than Life ’ with Irving and Billington, after the play several gentlemen were in the general room of the hotel where we were staying, and among them a Mr Jones, who professed to have a large acquaintance in the profession, and who appeared to have a local reputation as a judge of ages. ‘ How old,’ said one, * would you take Mr Toole to be ?' ‘ Well,’ said he, * sixty-five if he’s a day.’ ‘Do you know him?’ I asked* Oh, yes, very well Indeed!’ r ‘Ah! >And how old should yon take me to be ?’ v‘ Well, I should take you to be forty, if you’re a day.’ Irving asked Mr Jones if he didn’t think Mr Toole was nearer seventy-five than sixty.five. ‘ No,' he said—‘sixty-five if he’s a day and the company present seemed to put it down that that would be my age. They had most of them been to the theatre, and seen me, for the first time probably, playing an old man; and, as it was my irst visit to the town, and we were going on by the mail train that night, I had. a fancy not to go away and leave them under the impression that I was this very old" gentleman. I found that Jones was a decent sort of fellow, and I said aside to Irving that before I went I should just give him my card, and let him know what a mistake he had made. By-and-bye, when our cab arrived, we ssid good-night to our casual acquaintance, and, taking Mr Jones aside, handed him my card, whereupon he said, ‘Oh, indeed!' and, placing the tip of the thumb of his right hand to the tip of his nose, turned upon his heel and walked away. * Well,’ I said to my friends as we drove away, ‘ that’s the most impertinent fellow I think I ever met!’ Whereupon Irving and Bllliogton went into fits of laughter, and presently confessed that they had warned Mr Jones I was continually passing myself off as Mr Toole, and that he was to be Jqnite prepared for my banding him a card and continuing the imposition with him.” It is stated that a prominent citizen of Galveston was brought home very late in a comatose condition. His terrified wife, thinking it was apoplexy, sent for the family physician. The doctor examined the patient carefully and then directed that the clergyman be sent for. In a few minutes the spiritual adviser was bending over the couch of the dying man. Finally the clergyman said : ‘ Why, he is drank! that’s what’s the matter. Why am I sent for here at twelve o’clock at night ?” “Do you suppose,” replied the doctor, “ that I am going to be the only fool on Galveston Island t” A good story, attributed to a learned judge, is going the round. The judge is exceedingly fond of a game of skittles, and when taking a country walk the other day when on circuit he stopped at a publichonee to get some refreshment. Hearing the familiar rattle of the pegs, he sauntered into the bowling-alley at the back of the house, and made himself apparently welcome by treating the players to some beer. At the conclusion of the game he challenged the winner to play a game with him, but the man politely declined, as also did another of the company. The judge’s curiosity was excited, and on pressing for an explanation he found that his personal appearance had created a somewhat unfavorable impression upon the rustics. “ Look here, mate,” said one of them, “ we are all honest straightforward men who’ve never been ‘lagged’ (taken into custody), and if you don’t want to go back to work at that ticket-of-leave I’d advise yon to get out of these parts as quick as you can. ’’ A well-known lady artist, resident in Borne, relates that while standing one day near the statue of the Apollo Belvidere, she suddenly became aware of the presence of a country woman. The new comer, a well-to-do looking American woman, introduced herself as Mr* Baggies, Mo., and then asked, “ Is this the Apollo Belvidere ?” Miss H - testified to the identity of the work, and the tourist then said—“ Considered a great statue ? ” The interrogated lady replied that it was generally thought to be one of the masterpieces of the world. 11 Manly beauty and all that sort of thing?” said the lady from the land of the setting *un. “ Yes,” responded the now amazed artist. “It is said to bo one of the noblest representations of the human frame." “ Well,” exclaimed Mrs Baggios, closing her Baedeker, and with arms akimbo taking a last and earnest look at the marble, “ I’vsecn the Apollo Belvidere and I’ve seen Bag glee, and give me Baggies.” A young Irishman who boarded at a house near Aberdeen, where there were threejeoy damsels, who seemed to imagine that men are terrible creatures, whom it was an unpardonable sin to look at, was one afternoon accosted by an acquaintance, and asked what he thought of the young ladies. He replied that they were shy and reserved, but he would bet a sovereign he would kiss the three before twelve o’clock that day. It was agreed. He went in, sat down in the presence of the three demure ones, drew a long sigh, and said—“lt wants five minutes to twelve. The spirit’s hour is coming!” Hero the girls looked at the agonised young man with astonishment “ The spirit gave me warning that I should die exactly at twelve o’clock to-day, and you see it wants but a minute of the timo,” said ho. The girls turned pale and pitied the forlorn-look-ing youth. He then walked up to the eldest of the girls, and taking her by the hands bade her a solemn farewell. He also imprinted a kiss upon her trembling lips, which she did not resist. He then bade the second and third farewell in the same affectionate manner. The clock struck twelve. Hereupon he looked round surprised, and after a minute exclaimed an apparition would toll such a lie ?"

Hay’s Christchurch Fine Art Union and Free Exhibition of Picture Prizes, Market place, Christchurch. The largest and. cheapest Art Union ever got up in Canterbury. 400 prizes in tickets at 2s 6d each. Oil paintings and every other variety of picture from £ls down to a few shillings. Bee and judge for yourselves the quality. Agents are respectfully and especially requested to see prizes, for they can hardly expect to be very successful in disposal of tickets for something they have not seen. The very many persons who have promised to take tickets are requested to take them as soon as possible, so that I may be able to carry out my intention of drawing prizes latter part of April. Open from 9.30 a.m. to 9.30 p m.—[ADvt.]