LITERATURE.

Globe, Volume XXIII, Issue 2143, 7 January 1881, Page 3

LITERATURE.

A SUIT FOR DIVOROE. 4 My name is Gallagher,’ said the stranger, as ho entered Colonel Brown’s law office. 4 1 • called to sea yon about a suit for divorce.’ 4 Taka a seat,’ said tho colonel. 4 ln the first place,’ said Mr Gallagher, 4 1 want to ask, can a divorce be obtained on tho ground ef general incompatibility ?’ 4 1 dunno,’ said the colonel, 4 1 must ascertain the facts,’ 4 Because, if you can, I want you to begin sixty-eight divorce suits for me to-morrow, upon the ground—’ 4 fcixty-eight ?’ 4 Let mo explain. Yon see, about four years ago I went to Salt Lake City, and I was converted to the Mormon religion. When I jsiued, Bishop Grubb said I ought to marry, and so I proposed for his six daughters, and so we were consolidated at once. On the following Thursday the bishop died. He left eleven widows. His executors pointed out that I might probably assuage their grief and get a firmer grip on the property by taking them out of their lonely condition. So I married them, and also pooled in two sisters of one of them, living in Idaho, and a cousin of another—a cousin who was single and had a cast in her eye. That made twenty, did it ?’ ’ Twenty.’ 4 Well, then the impression, your honor, naturally got aronnd that I was a marrying man, and so the twelve apostles at their next meeting sealed to me four widows and an old maid that were drifting about tho settlement with no one in particnlsr to look after them, and, as I took tho act good-nsturedly, why on the following week Bishop Knox got the apostles to pass over to me a job lot of his relations, including two aunts, one grandmother and a second cousin, and Bishop O’Toole threw in a step-sister, a mother-in-law, and three miscellaneous orphans, who were related to nobody. So, you see, I was gradually getting quite a little family about me.’

* I eee,’ eaid the colonel. 1 And then, your honor, if any "unattached women would come along in emigrant trains, they were always ordered to me. I thought the he ids of the church were a little hard on me, but I had to submit. ’ ‘ Did you have a happy household ?’ ‘ I’m coming to that, I can’t say that we were all perfectly congenial, onr t stea differed so. The Bishop Grub delegation, ;for instance, would want caromels for breakfast in the morning when the folks from Peru were determined tohaveclamo. Bishop Knox’s detachment would insist on cleaning house at the very time when Bishop O’Toole’s relations wanted to give a party. If the Sandwich Islander and the squaw wanted to boil a leg or two in the soup-kettle, there was always a fuss with the other women, and the Mr* Gallagher who came from Japan used to make the rest of the ladies furious by turning somersaults in the parlour when there was company, and by standing on her head on the piano stool. As for wash day ! Well, one wanted it on Monday, another would have it on Tuesday, and so on. If there had been thirty-seven days in a week, we should have had washing going on each of them. And then Emeline, one of my first batch of wives, had studied medicine, and she was always p actisiog upon the others. She introduced whooping-cough to the family in order to try a favourite remedy of hors. Imagine sixty-eight women in one house with the whooping-cough. And then she put ipecac in their tea a fsw weeks afterwards to see if it would give them asthma ; and it did. The whole crowd went around gasping for breath. I remonstrated with Emeline, but the very next day she tried to vaccinate the old lady from the Sandwich Islands by boring a hole in her elbow with a glmblet. One day, about three weeks ago, I brought home a poodle for Julia, cuo of the younger ones. This looked a little like partiality, and of course the 67 others wanted a poodle apiece at once. Now, I’m not able to pay a dog tax 68 times a yea', so I declined. I saw there was trouble brewing, and the next day when I came home every woman of them had a dog of her own ; been out and bought them. They ranged from bloodhounds to blaok-and-iau terriers. I remonstrated, and then—well, the women began to cry, and that set the dogs to barking, and'then Lncinda went for Julia’s baok hair, and the other ladies joined in, and the dogs pretty soon began to engage in the controversy, and in a few momenta what might have been a happy family circle was a good deal more like a copy of the battle of Waterloo, So I fled and took the first train to the East, and abandoned the Mormon religion permanently, and what I want to know is, if I can have those 68 marriage bonds untied. Money’s no object, so that I can get loose, HOW DK. POTTS POLLED THROUGH. Young Gluckerson met old Judge Van Snyder on the ferry the other day, and, after shaking hands respectfully with that venerable friend of the family, said casually—- • Did you hear of that terrible accident up at Pott’s the other night ?’ • Accident ? Why, my dear young friend, no. Nothing serious, 1 hope V said the judge, much interested. • Well, 111 tell yon how it wea,' said Gluckerson in a mournful voice. * You see, the old doctor was out until about two in the morning attending some patients, and, supposing he would be hungry when he came in, Mrs Potts put a large pan of mush and milk—the doctor’s favou-ite dish, you know—under the stove to keep warm for him ’ ‘Yes! yes!’ said the judge eagerly, as Gluckerson stopped to light a * Go on—what then V •Well, the doctor came in after a while and went groping round in the dark room for his mush—conld’nt find a match, you know—and, as luck would have it, he picked up a pan containing bread, put there to raise over night. He was too tired to notice the difference —besides he had taken two or three nips as he drove round, and so he ate up all the dough !’ • Gracious !’ said the judge. ‘lt’s a fact, though. Well, toward morning the doctor began to swell, and swell—the yeast was just getting its work in, you know—and pretty soon the whole family was up and rushing around half distracted. The doctor kept on groaning and shrieking and swelling, until he looked like a Saratoga trunk. At last they found out what ho had done, and the whole family piled right on top of him, and sat there while they oent for a cooper. ’ • A cooper V • Yes ; you see they saw at once that unless something was done the doctor would burst before morning. 8o the cooper started in and put nine of those big half-inch beer keg hoops around his stomach. Of course that stopped the swelling, and by keeping a tin tube down his throat for gas to ceoupe, he just managed to pull through.” • Oh, the doctor pulled through, did he ! ’ • Oh ! yes ; he’s all right now, excepting— ’ •Excuse me,’ eaid the judge grimly, as ho took out his note boob, • but will you favour mo with your middle name in fulL They are getting up a medal for the champion liar in the state, by order of the governor, and I think I’ll send in your— ’ But the boat had landed, aud the promising young candidate had meliod away in the crowd.—• San Francisco Poet.’

A PECULIAR MAN. He alippetl into an ice-cream saloon very softly, and when the girl asked him. what ho wanted, he replied—- * Corn beef, fried potatoes, pickles, and mince-pie.’ * This ia not a restaurant ; this la an icecream parlour.' * Then why did yon ask me what I wanted ? Why didn’t you bring on your ice-cream ?’ She went after it, and as she returned bo continued — * You see, my dear girl, you must infer—you must reason. It isn’t likely that I would come into an ice-cream pirlour to buy a grindstone, is it? Yon didn’t think I c»ma in h ire to ask if you had any baled hay, did you ?’ * She looked at him in great surprise, and he went on—‘lf X owned a hardwire store, and you came in, I should infer that yon came in my lino. I shouldn’t step out and you if yon wanttd to buy n mule, should I ?’ She went away highly indignant. An old lady was devouring a dish of cream at the

next table, and the stranger, after watching for a.moment, called out—|My dear woman, have you found any hairs or buttons in your dish P’ * Mercy ! no! she exclaimed, as she wheeled round and dropped her spoon. ‘ Well, I’m glad of it,’ he continued, *lf you find any, just let me know.’ She looked at him for half a minute, picked I np the spoon, laid it down again, and then rose up and left the room. She must have said something to the proprietor, for he came running in and exclaimed—--1 Did you tell that woman that there were hair and buttons in my ice'crcam ?’ ‘ No, sir. * 4 You didn’t ?’ * No, sir, I did not ; I merely requested her, in case she found any such ingredients, to inform me !’ 4 Well, sir, that was a mean trick.’ * My dear sir,’ said the stranger, smiling softly, 4 did you expect me to ask the woman if she had found a crowbar or a sledge-hammer in her cream ? It is impossible, sir, for such articles to be hidden away in such small dishes!’ The proprietor went away growling, and, as the stranger quietly supped away at his cream,_ two young ladies came in, sat down near him, and ordered cream and cake. He waited until they had eaten a little, and then he rema' ked—--4 Beg pardon, ladies, hot do yon observe anything peculiar in the taste of this cream V They tasted, smacked their lips, and were not certain. 4 Dooa It taste as if a plug of tobacco had fallen into tho freezer ?’ he asked. 4 Ah! kah!’ they exclaimed, dropping their spoons and trying to spit out what they had eaten. Both rnshed out, end it wasn’t long before the proprietor rushed in. 4 Sea here, what are you talking about V he demanded. 4 What do you mean by plug tobacco in the freezer ?’ 4 My kind friend, I asked the ’adies if Ihia cream tasted of plug tobacco. I don’t taste any such taste, and I don't believe you used a bit of tobacco in it. ’ 4 Well, you don’t want to talk that way aronnd here 1’ continued the proprietor. 44 My ice-cream is pare, and the man who Bays it isn’t tells a bold lie !' 4 There are times when people should infer and there are times when they shouldn’t. I suppose if I had asked that woman if she thought they hashed np a saw-mill in the cream they make in this establishment she’d have felt a circular saw going down her throat.’