THE LOAFER IN THE STREET.

Globe, Volume XXII, Issue 2013, 6 August 1880, Page 3

THE LOAFER IN THE STREET.

When the Parliament of this rising young colony makes up its mind what course of taxation it means ultimately to adopt, you -might tell us about it if quite agreeable to yourself. It was owing to senatorial vacillation that I got to quarrel with Ohummles, a friend of mine, and who has hitherto been worth at the very worst of times two pints of beer a week to me. It all came up over this Property Assessment arrangement. Ohummles is not much of a scholar, not having been born or educated in New Zealand, and when he received his Property Assessment paper he •sent for me to help him away through with the business. It was a lengthened and laborious job, the more so because old Chum is a bit deaf and very suspicious. Ohummles got fairly on over his land property ; in fact, he gave mo the particulars with so much alacrity and readiness that I rattier fancy ho must have rehearsed that part of the affair before. When I read over the declaration to him before signing—[“ I do hereby declare that the above statement is true and accurate in all particulars stated by me according to the beat of my judgment and belief, and that I have therein set forth all the particulars respecting which I am able to furnish information.”!—Ohummles said, “Is this 'ere a hoath?” I said, “Very nearly,” and, with a thoughtful sigh, ho wunk at me over his spectacles and signed. In reference to paper No. 2, and the instructions therein, Ohummles was critical, more in that part whete wo are told that “ in the case of a common name like John Smith care must be taken to give some additional description of the person, such as a previous residence, or some distinguishing designation as late of Launceston, &s,” “Late of Swan Bivor,” or even in some cases Lyttelton would not read quite well. “ Owners,” wo are further cautioned, “ should be very ciroful in filling up the columns for value,” and Ohummles winked again at me, and said he had been “ most uncommon careful.” When wo came to the Paper No. 3, which deals for the most part with what Mr Wemmick would have called Portable Property, old Chum came out immensely. He passed out the Live Stock, consisting of an aged fighting cock, a mangy bull dog, and a toothless cat, as of no value to anyone but himself. His stock-in-trade (he has a trade requiring the use of many expensive tools) he said he would behave “as fair as possible, very square over.” He valued them at onethird original cost, then he took off 5 per cent for insurance, then 25 per cent, for wear and tear, and finally 20 per cent, for improvements, by which I believe he meant mending them. Old Ohummles’ furniture, articles of “ Bigotry and virtue, &e.,” are not very extensive, but his valuation was as rapid as it was amusing, as thus, “ Now, there’s them hooka. Books as you know is like dirt here, and I can’t read myself. Was I agoing to buy such a lot, I wouldn’t give more nor five bob for the lot. In fact they’d be dear at five —say books three bob. Things is getting cheaper hero every day. In regard of the “jewellery and settera,” added Chum-mle-3, “ oling the lot in at fifteen bob.” We finished up the assessment in a few hours. The performance might have fceen made shorter but for the fact that jugs of foaming ale made their appearance from time to time, and I strung matters on a bit. When old chum found the section of the assessment in connection with furniture, &s., was out out, ho considered I had imposed on him. Thus no foaming beaker at the expense of that aged mechanic has lately passed my lips. I merely mentioned this little circumstance in connection with Chnmmlca to indics-te a sort of filmy idea on my part as to the likely result of some or the forms a paternal Government is likely to receive. Apropos of the Government, I am really pleased to notice that it is going in for economy in a manner which enlists my entire sympathy and admiration. In spite of the hard times and consequent reductions, however, I find, from perusing one of your recent leaders on the subject, that, if I may be allowed the expression, the Educational Flag Still Floats Bravely in the Breeze. This fact ia still mors borne out by the annual account of the Canterbury College appearing subsequently in your columns. From this I learn that 129 young ladies and gentlemen have been learning during the past year Latin, Greek, French, German, Elizabethan literature, Shakespeare (and, for ought I know, the musical glasses), Chaucer’s Times, Philology, Mathematics, Chemistry, Electricity, Geology, Botany, Zoology. I find, too, a school of Technical Science has been established, and the prospects of high-toned education are as flourishing as I should say they were likely to be costly. Looking at this question according to my poor lights, it seems to me this is, with the present necessity for economy, to be busting right through that moat truthful of aphorisms which refers to cutting one’s coat according to the size of one’s cloth. But, now I como to think of it, the public don’t really pay for it. By a system as original as it is, shall I say amusing, the high class education will for the future be

mainly supported by the involuntary subscriptions of the schoolmasters of the lower schools, a reduction in all their salaries being now announced. This seems like robbing Peter to pay Paul, and it just becomes a question of whether Paul is so much tho most necessary of tho two. f I was sorry not to be present at Mr Cass lecture on “ Eternal Suffering." I learn from those who were there, and from the precis of hisremarksas published in your journal, that it was of a very original kind. Mr Cass prophetio soul is very similar to that of Dr Camming, who predicted a like event to that referred to by Mr Cass to come off in ton years after the date of vaticination. In the following week the reverend gentleman took the lease of a house for ninety-nine years, and on being appealed to as to discrepancy between his actions and predictions, replied that the peculiarities of prophecies should not interfere with the duties of a man towards his family. Mr Oass states that the “ unmistakable signs” which to him afford proof that the (Second Advent is at hand were sufficient to induce him to offer his place of business for sale. One can only draw the inference that Mr Casa anticipated that when he enters that future state of beatitude to which his talents and good qualities certainly entitle him,he will carry the proceeds of the sale in his trowsers pocket. Never mind, Mr Cass, we all have our ideas on these points. Tho sailor has his Fiddler’s Green, the Indian his happy hunting grounds, the Mahometan his paradise, and you havo your notion, only you prefer to walk around by and bye with your hands in your pockets, fumbling your good sugar, to huntirg tho bison with the Indian or paying polite attentions to the houris of the Oriental. I really believe you have the sinoerest sympathy of many great and good people ail over the world. There are heaps of them who, I’m sure, could not possibly be really happy unless your theory be correct, and to whom an eternity without a chance of making a pound or 'two would bo the antithesis of paradise. Basing his calculation upon the _ rate at which the delta of tho Mississippi is deposited, Prof. Mudgo .reaches tho conclusion that man has been on the earth not less than two hundred thousand years. The discoveries of science are indeed wonderful. Every day some great fact like this busts on us, still I’m sorry Mudge told us we were quite so old as that. You see there is a very humiliating aspect to this question. If there be any truth in Mr Darwin’s theory of the “ survival of the fittest,” what sort of galoots must they have boon two hundred thousand years ago, and if wo don’t improve on styio a bit quicker what sorb of people will they be living about hero two hundred thousand years hence? The latter is a question of uttor indifference to me, as we can scarcely expect to be about then. Still I felt sort of mean when I read the deductions Mudge had drawn from Sludge. Science is moving a bit too fast for an old coot like yours truly. It has worn my credulity as thin as a Bank note, which is the happiest simile I can call up just now. Some short time since I came across an old North Island telegram in which, in the report of a race meeting, I came across the following sentence in the detailed account of one of the events :—“ Port Wino ran against a post.” I thought at the tima of how the sporting writers of the locality must have improved the occasion by making observations to the effect that it was not the first time such an occurrence had come off, that similar things had repeatedly happened to pedestrians coming round the last time during the last lap on the way home, and similar jokelements. I am reminded of the circumstance by seeing the name of Kosciusko amongst the nominations for the forthcoming race meeting in November. Assuming that Kos should tumble down during the race, do you think any of the sporting boys would have anything to say about “ Freedom shrieking.” Now I’ve putsome pf the boys away, at any rate. Any one might fesl happy utter that. There is, at present I was nearly saying, but as it is quite uncertain in my shaky state of health when 1 may be able to get this article in, I had better add, or was playing at the Theatre Royal, Christchurch, a piece called “ British Bom.” I believe it is a good drama and well played. ; I should like to have seen it, but circumstances I will now relate, entailing mind you a bitter disappointment to the general public, have kept me an absentee from the temple o£ Thalia and Thespis. I understand that in the play under notice there is a scene where the hero, founded on actual fact as the saying is, being about to be flogged by the licentious, not to say inebriated, populace of a S. American republic, does really good business by employing his sweetheart to rush in and enfold him with that excessively ugly flag which, “ for a thousand years has braved, <tc." and never enfolded a slave. As “ Pinafore ” choruses would have observed, the hero of “ British Born " “is an Englishman, which is greatly to his credit,” and, as Mrs Gamp might have added, he reaps the advantages of “ sioh a sittivation,” and to finish in the words of the genial showman, A. Ward, “ trap the audience." I don’t begrudge tho success accorded to tho present company over this affair but, mark you, you’ve lost a deal through the introduction of this tragedy. You have lost Mine. It is now some years ago since, meeting the genial and clever scenic artist of the present company ia his airy atelier at the back of tho old theatre he said to me, “ Loafer, why don’t you fake up a drama? Every literary man writes dramas now. In fact not to havo written a drama displays a want of ability, a lack of general knowledge, confidence, &•»., a sort of je ne sca ts pas quoi as it wore. Your name, which stands high with the general smaller section of the public (I hope you won’t think me vain, but such were Willis’ words), will fade away unless a drama you produce.” I thought the matter over, and matured some original ideas of my own, which I got from Willie, I hope I’m not dragging this thing too far, but it is necessary to state that for a new drama to bo successful you must have tho curtain go down on “ Good Situations.” The public, both in their capacity of playgoers and private oitizsns do like “ Good Situations.” Oar play was in three acts. The first terminated with a deadly conflict between a fellow who wanted to marry his Deceased Wife’s Sister and her Brother. I don’t moan that tho man (dressed in black velvet, mind) wanted to marry his Deceased Wife’s Sister and her Brother as well, but what I do is that the brother of the Deceased Wife’s Sister wanted to fight the other fellow. I hope I’ve made myself clear, but trying to describe plots mixes an author up terribly. The latter (I’m trying to keep this thing as succinct-like as possible) tries to shove tho former inside the machinery of a steamer’s engine-room. Kindly ask your theatrical bloke if such a scene was ever seen before on any stage. I don’t want to be verbose ; I don’t want to dwell on how exquisite such a situation might be made, with the combatants writhing to slow music amidst the whirling of the pistons ; but I pass to the conclusion of the second act. Here the dramatis persona, after a oorruscating dialogue of the most thrilling interest in the interior of a South American diamond mine (Lord, how old Willis could have worked those diamonds up. I could ory when I think of it) get all blasted up together (by gunpowder mind). This scene thoroughly alters all the characters, and in the last act all the right sort of people, owing to their blasted altered countenances (gunpowder mind) marry all the living ones. If that is not realistic—fetching—like real life, what is ? But you see we had that unfortunate Flag business ia the last act, and that manly appeal to the supremacy of the British, which always secures the applause of those most concerned and tho justly deserved merriment of other nations, our originality was gone. I did work hard at that drama. 1 played my dramatic hand coolly and carefully, and as well as other better man have done before me. I borrowed my high falntin scenes from the French, my slang from tho English, my dross from the Americans, and I meant to have got my furniture from White, and—now the bubble has bust. I shall never be a dramatist. I’m sorry for Willis. I’m sorry for myself. Yon never were a disappointed dramatic author, perhaps. Your brain throbs, your socks get worn out—so do your friends. My doctor says an hourly application of Silver—to the hand—is the only chance of restoring tone to a system quite broken down by a severe blow. Perhaps you might know of some chirurcheon—or chemist—or friend like, who has some little silver. I don’t. It is now some weeks since I wrote a paragraph in connection with tho advertised sale of the Temuka Brewery. It may _be remembered that Mr Franks in his advertisement offered to send samples to any one requiring them, and by jingo, as the saying is, he has kept his word. A cask of really grand ale arrived for yours truly from Mr Franks, to whom I tender my very sincere thanks, and have only to add that from the quality of the beer I wish I could purchase the Temuka Brewery myself.