THE LOAFER IN THE STREET.

Globe, Volume XXII, Issue 1935, 7 May 1880, Page 3

THE LOAFER IN THE STREET.

«. The ways of Banks aro in many ways of a curious kind. This fact has boon noticed by many excellent business men of my acquaintance. I am reminded of Bark doings by a circular (sent mo by a friend) of a local establishment which requires its employes to sign a set of articles of agreemeut which aro of a really origir.al character. I quoto section 4 as a specimen:—"Mr shall not till after the lapse of twelve calendar monthß from the date of his leaving tho Bank's sorvico from any cause (tho italics nro those of yours trulv), hold any office or appointment in, or bo employed directly or indirectly by, any othor Bank in Australasia, and if he shall fail to abide by this stipulation he shall pay to the Bank as liquidated damages (the italics again are mine) a sum equal to a year's salary at the rate current at the date of his leaving the Bank's service, with interest thereon at 5 per cont. per annum till paid." Seldom have I road anything more really calculated to inspire a pleasant confidence between managers and thsir clerks. In plain English, the abovo reads to mo as an announcement on the part of the proprietary to this effect: " You, N or M, may be a very smart clerk, and asßumine that you prove yourself so, and worth £3OO a year, instead of tho £175 we pay you, we have such a thorough appreciation of your valuable services that, in justice to ourselves, we must put n stopper on your going to othor employers who may in a pecuniary sense appreciate them better." I don't know much about banking, but speaking from a common-sense view, I should say » more unfair proposition was nsvor offered to tho employes of any company in tho world. The interest charged on the" liquidated damages" is simply delicious. The only parallel case I can call to mind the " solf-presented testimonial " offored to himself by the immortal Captain Wragge. " Moral Agriculture " is very popular out here, but one would scarcely have expected to see an important banking institution cultivating such a branoh at the expense of their clorka. It don't look a little bit like a fair thing.

" Organist wanted, who can also take the Village Blacksmith Business; five ocres of graßß and one of arable.—Apply, by letter only, to the Rsctor, Bilathorpe, Ollerton." The above advertisement, which I assure you is perfectly genuine, appears in an English paper, and really I think opens up a vast field for reflection. Wo are all of us familiar—some of us too Badly familiar —with tho Harmonious Blacksmith, and Mr Longfellow, in connection with many very awful baritone gentlemen, has brought it home to our minds that there was a blacksmith who

" Goes on Sunday to the church, And sits among his boja ; He hears the parson pray and preach, He hears his daughter's voice, Singing in the village choir, And it makes his heart rejoice."

This is bully for the local Vulcan, but, with all deference to the feelings of many Vulcans I have met under the circumstances so nicely depicted as above by tho good old man Longfellow, the singing of their daughters is often very very shikar —a Hindoo expression any one will translate for you. But a blacksmith who could combine the Sunday organ playing with high-toned shoeing during the week, would be indeed an acquisition to any community. Such people here though, I think, ought to be really not uncommon. With the facilities at present offered by our educational system the rising male generation should be able to play and sing, £rill a detachment of high-claas volunteers, keep a merchant's books, argue on quantities with a college master, give ProteSßor Bickerton hints on science, and altogether come up to the present standard of our educational authorities, which according to the present outlook appears to me to consist of teaching boys a number of things which by no possible circumstances could over be any good to thom. Unlesß immigration is conducted on very careful principles I don't know where in twenty years from present date wo shall look for our lower classes. They really are a necessity, you know, and we are nod breeding them hero. Were I writing a leading article, which you know is your business and not mine—far from it—on education, I should make a few allusions to the utter absurdity of making schoolmasters teach singing and science, and advocate a pension system of some sort for poor old dominies who have grown ancient in a service which is at best a very ageing one. I almost think I could come on to this subject again when I'm hard up for a topio with advantage. When I come to think of it our present educational system is one of tho funniest things in the world, but it's a rather expensive joke as times go, and were I in your place I should really suggest considerable retrenchments in this direction. Thiß paragraph is too long. I shall shut it off by telling you on the quiet that New Zealand is the most absurdly overeducated nation on the face of the natural globe, and it's a misplaced luxury it can't afford. You bet it c:io't.

My old friend of the "Lycll Argus"—l should rather say of tho " Lyell Times"—has been in the fashion. He has been threatened with libel. This is the answer he sends to a request made by the opposing lawyer to give up the name of the writer of the objectionable letter. "My answer to this letter is—Mr Cowan. As a barrister, yon are entitled to that courtesy due from one gentleman to another, thorefore accept my thanks for your kind intentions I havo been told that lawyers are not allowed to enter tho kingdom of heaven. lam glad of it, for after you have hanged me, you and 'your client' will no doubt depart in peace and Lappinoss, to ' the warmer and moro congenial regions below,' where I trust you may long remsiin. I am, yours truly, T. J. Motcalfo. Lycll, Ist April, 1880."

Advertisements for brides era getting quite oemmon hero, but tho following, which I have much pleasure in reproducing, seems to contain more than a Blight tinge of originality : —" Wanted, by a respectable young gentleman, a first-class young lady wishing marriage j a German lady preferred; one used to the country. Apply by letter to Mr John Zimmerman, care of G. Barnett, Tai Tapu." A namesake of the advertiser wrote a most exciting book on the advantages of solitude. This Zimmerman evidently is full of solitude He wants a first class young lady wishing marriage. Bless you, Zimm, my boy, if you ain't suited by this time you ought to be. This place is just full of first-class young ladies, all wishing marriage. If it were a good general servant or a fox terrier or a policeman or a fiver you wanted there might bo some cause for a little anxioty ; but a wife —and one used to tho country—oh, go to, my gentle Zimm ; by this time thou art over much embarrassed with too much femininety. Never mind ; when you are married, Zimm, you will,as Mr Weller, sen., told his son, you will know a great many things that you aon't know now. At an inquest held ai Southbridge, on a fisherman who was recently drowned there, the mate of the decoaßed, who himself narrowly escaped with his life, gave the following extraordinary evidence, which I quote verbatim from the report given by your own correspondent in the columns of the Pbess : "Having drifted on to a hard bottom, I anchored the boat and walked on shore near the mouth of the Halswell. After walking about two miles I arrived at a farm house, stated tho I circumstances, and asked for shelter, but was refused." (Tho italics are mine.) Now what sort of a man miißt this Halswell farmer be anyhow, who would refuse a half-drowned, halE-frozen, stowing man a feed and a little shelter ? I declare I think this is, without exception, one of the most disgraceful cases I over heard of. A man like that would take a piece of potato peeling out of a blind sow's mouth. From my personal experience of the Halswell folk, I don't think they have many farmers of his sort. Your correspondent should send us his namo. Fame would be thrust upon him inside of twelve hours. Great got dncss, how can such a man be allowed to live.

I wondor how many stories I could relate if so required by my Queen, my country, and the Paisss Company Limited in connection with tho sweating of hard earned cheques. Some day I shall write a very interesting article on this connection. At present I shall confino myself to a little atory which has lately reacted me, which appears to me to convey a great moral lesson to, as the adver-

tinomonts say " publicans and others." The way whs long, tho wind was cold (excuse my Silas Woggism, but really it's very effective)and tho swagger was very footsore and jolly, jolly old. In a well-known pub ho saw the light of the housohoid fire gleam warm and bright, and he entered with a cheque for £4l concoalod about his person. Three days afterwards ho loft with Is 6d. The landlord told him he wus sad about the affair, but people shouldn't pluy euchre without knowing the rudiments of the game. Another year passed, and again tho aged wayfarer approached the publichouso, this time again with a fair cheque The wayfarer had meantime learned euchre. Ho was thoroughly conversant with the game in all its branches, and if you know anything of this noble pastime you are perhaps aware that with some players it has many branches. The wayfaror did not drink to any extent, and only remained two days, but he took away his own cheque and £47 lO.h in good money from tho landlord, after paying expenses. This i 3 ono of tho mo9t striking instances of tho triumph of virtuo over vice that over came under my notice, and I give it for what it iB worth and can vouch for its veracity. That very extraordinary Captain Barry has boon lecturing in Dunedin on his English exporier.esß. According to his account his tour was a groat success, and honors wero showored on him on all sides. Ho wound up by saying that a great many people said that ho was drawing tho long bow ; but there was not a word in that "noble book " but what ho had been through. He here related some of his exploits in foroign parts, ono of which was told somewhat in this language : " I was one of nine to wear a grass girdle and live on shell fish for soToral days, one of which was a lady." First instance, Barnum excepted, of a real mermaid I should say. Ho was also included in the party that made a raid against the Indians in California and returned with 400 pcalps on the ends of their ramrods ! Ho was the only man that ever towed a whale into Sydney harbor and cut her up in Farm Cove ! In cinclusion he recommended those of his audience who have given him their autographs to go to Messrs Reith and Co. and get the book, as if the copieß sent out were not taken his London publishers might think he was " a blank card "