MISCELLANEOUS.

Globe, Volume XXI, Issue 1782, 6 November 1879, Page 4

MISCELLANEOUS.

Have you ever thought how kind it is of the average murderer to forgive everybody before he is swung off? How rapidly a man uses all interest in politics and national finance when he shuts the door on his own thumb. When a paragrapher gets up something too stupid to go in the funny column he gives it to the literary editor, who pnta it in a column headed “ Pearls of Thought,” The problem of tbo present, says the New Orleans “ Picayune,” is to find out how a two-handed person can manage a train, a parasol, a fan, carry a book, and lead a child. An editor being miked, 11 Do hogs ray 7 ■ays a great many do not. They take the paper several years and then have the postmaster send it back marked “ refused ” One man can put on another miu'o coal and hat and not detect the change, but let him get hia fingers into strange bool-straps and tho hair on his nock rises up like shingle nails. The natives of Africa know what is in store for them if conquered by the British, and they will fight to the death, They don’t want any Punch and Judy shows set up in that country. When the girl who has encouraged a young man for about two years suddenly turns around and tells him that she can never bo more than a sister to him, ho can for tho first time see tho freckles on her nose. A Kansas woman was buried under the ruins of her house for two days, and yet came out alive, but awful mad to tbink she hadn’t had anybody to talk to during the weary hours; j He heard a shriek, and he rushed upstairs only to find his wife in a swoon. "What’s the matter, Georgie ? ” he asked, when nhe had revived. “Oh I I saw a mouse 1 ” she screamed. “Ah. brace up and have some style about you 1 ” he ejaculated—“be a man I ” Just then the mouse took a tack up hia pants leg, and he yelled, " Fire I murder I watch 1 ” and it took two policemen to get him from under the bed. An Irishman went to the theatre for the first time. Just as the curtain descended on the first act a boiler in the basement exploded, and he was blown through the roof, coming down on the next street. After coming to his senses, be asked, “ And what piece do yez play nixt I ” Bearding the Lion.— (Snoggs, the Lion Oomique of ihe Music Halls, has made himj self uncndurably offensive by hia vulgar familiarity ) Lion Comique—“ Dunno me ? Well, you ought to ; my name is in the papers often enough." Irritated Swell—“ I daresay ; but I seldom if ever read the police reports 1”—“ Funny Folks.” A Glasgow minister was recently called in to see a man, who was very ill. After finishing his visit, as he was leaving the house, he said to the man’s wife, •' My good woman, do yon not go to any church at all ? ” " Oh, yes, sir, we gang to the Barony Kirk.” “Then why in the world did you send for me? Why didn’t you send for Dr. Macleod 7" 11 Na, na, deed na ; we wadna risk him. Do you ken it’s a dangerous case of typhus 7 ” A gentleman who had been dining out the night before went into a barber’s shop one morning to be shaved. He saw that tho barber had been taking more than was good for him, for his hand shook very much, and, naturally indignant, ho began to give him a little moral advice by saying, “ Bad thing, drink 1 ” “ Yes,” said tho barber, “it makes the skin awfully tender.” An Asylum for Aged Domesticated Animals has just been opened by an inhabitant of Gonesse, in France. It already contains a cow thirty-six years of ago, a pig aged twenty-five, and an eighteen year old goat. The senior member of this happy family is, however, a mule. He is forty years of age. Next comes a sparrow, whose summers number thirty-one ; twenty-eight years of life have been granted to a goldfinch ; and a guinea fowl and goose have respectively reached the ages of twelve and thirty-seven years. A Bockland man came home from lodge early the other morning. He had not lost his night key, and the front door was unlocked without difficulty. He took off his shoes, and actually ascended the stairs without dropping either of these articles, got to Ms room without falling over a rooking chair or splitting hia foot on the rocker, and undressed in the dark and crawled into bed without awakening his wife. When he attempted to relate the singular affair to his friends the next day, he was derisively requested to carry hia jiroanderson yarn to some other shop—" Bockland Courier.” The Man who “ Puts on Heads.”—lt used to be the fashion iu newspaper offices to keep a fighting editor, who, in the vulgar phrase of the street, would “ put a head on ” anyone who requi-ed that operation performed. This is all changed now, and the fighting editor is employed to put a head on articles instead of persons. The man who can successfully pnt heads on pieces must have in him the condensed essence of the paragraphing art. Ho is a paragrapher who is never copied and credited by other newspapers. Even the readers of ihe journal do not appreciate this worthy individual. They have a dim idea that the heads of tho |Enropean news are telegraphed from London or Paris, and that the Washington special telegraph man sends his comprehensive heading from the capital city by wire. Most people, however, give the matter no thought at all, ’spectin’, like Topsy, that the headings *> growed ” there. Thus it is that the world knows not its greatest men. The pale and humble individual who burns tho midnight gas up in the fourth or fifth story of the newspaper office, laboriously reading and correcting telegrams, that come on transparent, flimsy, zephyr-like paper, passes through the city in the early morning light to his home an unknown man. As he rapidly reads, he jots down on a sheet of white paper beside him the heads that will proclaim to the world to-morrow the contents of the column. A Murder in Omaha; Great Fire in New Orleans ; A Man Bursts with Knowledge in Boston ; Another Bank Gone in Chicago; M'Laugblin Throws Millar over the Top of a House in New York ; Great Walking Match in Britain—the Directors of a Bank Walk off with the Cash ; Man Smothered in the Swamps of Toledo; A Clevelander Breaks his Neck Grzing at tho Viaduct; A Foot and a Half of a Milwaukie Man’s Bar Frozen ; and yet, the man who apes all this departs unwept, unfcoaored, and unsung. Occasionally the lack of appreciation drives him crazy, and the effect in terrible—The Zulu Zluggers—the Basted British ; Chelmsford completely Cowed and Crushed—The Dancing Demons Devour the Devoted Defenders, &c., Sco., Ice. ; a Hemptie Show—Hanging McGill in Cleveland ; He Carelessly Steps Down an Open Trap door and is Caught by a Hope. “ Bopedlo,” says another paper on tho same subject. “ Practical Choke,” remarks a third, “ Neck and Neck” ; “ Gone to Your rope ” ; "Got the Hang of It ” ; “ Took a Tumble ” ; “A Drop Too Much ” ; and thus they go on. A man can pick up an American journal, and by rapidly glancing at the beads, get a good synopsis of the events of the day. He who runs may read. This is written to the memory of a neglected man—the headsman of a newspaper.—“ Detroit Free Press.”

How Artless. —When the crowded omnibus stops before a fine four-story mansion, one of the young women, getting out, invariably remarks, “ Home at lost! ” The most surprised man in the universe in the universe is probably a tramp who, on hearing, as he was travelling through Kentucky, that at a certain house a family resided that had lots of silverware, metis's, cups, &c., and that the husband was away with a circa l -, leaving the wife, who wasn’t strong enough to bear fatigue, all alone, made a pilgrimage to the house and found that all that had been told was strictly true, and that the woman was Mrs Bates, the Kentucky Giantess, who stands seven feet two inches high, and weighs 4G9lbs. The humility with which he asks for a drink of water was_ only equalled by the speed with which he skipped away from the premises, while Mrs Bates resumed her interrupted occupation of tying a double bow-knot on the poker.—“ Chicago Tribune.” Going A-Fishing.— The man who invented the fishhook will some day have a monument. It will be a granite column 500 feet high, built by the boys alone. A boy might possibly get along with marbles, tops, stilts, balls, and kites, yet he would feel that there was an aching void somewhere. A kite does well enough as long as it will outsail all other kites and the string doesn’t break, and a pair of stilts are good property nntil after the first fall; but for real solid pleasure the fishhook can never be beaten. A boy will always expect more and get less from it than anything over invented, but he never gets too discouraged to try again. The -Smith boy was observed trying his luck the

other day in a pond on a vacant lot. As far back as twelve months ago his mother promised him half a day out of school as saon as the fish began to bite, and yesterday was the glorious day. Where there’s water there ought to be fish, according to every boy’s reckoning, and this youth “surrounded” that wee little pond-hole with its barred of muddy water with just as much enthusiasm as a man would throw a line into Lake St. Clair. He had ham, swcetcake, potato, dried beef, and boiled egg for bait, and nothing would have convinced him that he would fail of at least one good bite. For two long hours he fished for sturgeon, jack, and pike, and as he hauled up for the last time he would simply admit that it wasn’t just the right sort < f day to go fishing. If he had had a little one to carry home his triumph would have been more complete, but yet his eyes were like diamonds as he met two boys on the corner and called out: “Say! I’ve stayed out of school a whole half-day and been a-fishing 1 I didn’t catch any fish, ’ccs they were all on their nests, but you ought to have seen the big frog which tumbled off a stone !” “ Forest and Stream.” The deceased Duke of Brunswick made the city of Geneva heir to his vast properly after his death. The “ Qaulois ” now gays that tho Countess de Civry, a natural daughter of the duke, has disputed the will on tho ground that she has been legitimized. The Swiss Courts have given their decision in her favour, entitling her to inherit one-fourth of the property which the city of Geneva received. A London physician gives the following receipt for diphtheria, which may bo of interest at tho present lime. All he took with him was powdered sulphur and a quill; and with these he cured every case without exception. He put a spoonful of flour of brimstone into a wineglassfull of water, and stirred it with his finger instead of a spoon, as tho sulphur does not readily amalgamate with water. When tho sulphur was well mixed he gave it as a gargle, and in ten minutes the patient was out o c danger. Brimstone kills every species of fungi in man, beast, or plant in a few minutes. Instead of spitting out the gargle, he recommended the swallowing of it. In extreme cases, in which he had been called just in the nick of time, when the fungus was too nearly closed to allow the gargle, ho blew the sulphur through a quill into the throat, and after the fungus had shrunk to allow of it, then the gargle. He never lost a patient from diphtheria. The wayward Mdlle. lima di Murska suddenly turned up recently in London with her husband, Mr John Hill. It is now stated that promenade concerts are still possible at Her Majesty's towards the end of the month, but the rumor must be accepted with due reserve. They are preparing a novelty at the Victoria Theatre in the shape of a revival of the 11 Queen's Colors,” with real Zulu women from the Westminster Aquarium as sneers, It will be recollected that the plot of the “Queen’s Colors” is laid in tenth Africa during the present war. A gigantic telescope, said to be tho largest in the world, has just been constructed for Sir Henry Bessemer by Messrs Galloway, engineers and ironfounders, Knot Mill Ironworks, Manchester. Tho telescope, which is a marvel of ingenuity and workmanship, cost £40,000. In Paris recently, a fine of 50 francs was inflicted on a man who had hawked photographs of the late Prince Imperial without a license. The Porte and tho Servian Government have offered to guarantee the scheme of an English company for a direct railway between Salonica and Servia. A new Ministry has been formed in Tasmania by Mr Gibson, who takes the office of Treasurer, while Mr Moore is Colonial Secretary. Most of tho men are new to Ministerial positions. The South Australian Parliament has been prorogm d.