THE LOAFER IN THE STREET.

Globe, Volume XXI, Issue 1666, 23 June 1879, Page 3

THE LOAFER IN THE STREET.

The story of the old woman who got “ the straight tip” previous to the breaking of the Glasgow Bank has been published, I should say, in every paper in the world, but wo can proudly boast of a man here who was smarter even than the dear old Scotswoman The p-.rty I allude to had been ever of a saving turn of mind, and had laid by mocies amounting to what Mr Joe Gargery delighted to call a “cool thousand.” This sum ho had placed on deposit at one of our banking institutions. Which one don’t matter. Hearing—goodness knows how or where—that there was a possibility of tho Bank suspending payment, he drew his money out, getting it not in gold but in notes of the Bank whose solvency ho was so dubious of. The institution is still prospering, which is, perhaps, a fortunate thing for the depositor of little faith. Tho ceqi/o animo principle, the advantages of which are so well and poetically advocated by Mr H. Flaccus, is evidently not wanting in the pretty little southern township of Olutha. Undaunted by the damages recently done by the ravaging flood, for which subscriptions were raised all over the country, and probably looking forward to tho subsidy they have asked for from a paternal Government, the Clatha Borough Councillors still hang on hopefully to their civic existence. I judge so from the following account from a local Boniface passed at one of their recent meetings :

Oh, how could you or I bear up against distress and floods and the stoay-heartednesa of bank managers under such circumstances as the above, Tne public cemetery is, I believe, a favorite walk with many of our citizens. I don’t affect it myself, but I daresay there is much profitable reflection to be derived from a vi-ifc to that part of the town. Looking at the tombstones, anyone who had resided here for any length of time wouldcome across the best resting place of a number of “ Yorioks that he knew well ” when in the flesh, and would be surprised to think how soon he had forgotten them. Ho would perhaps scarcely find much satisfaction in the reflection that he, too, would in his turn, be forgotten like the rest. It is quite likely the observant visitor would be struck with the reflection of how carefully the relations of those who repose there carry out the principle of dc mortals nil nisi honuni. I’m afraid, looking at the matter dispassionately, epitaphs are not always strictly truthful. This, however, is not exactly the line I meant taking when I started. I want to know what the rules of tombstones are, so to speak. I ask, because a story camea to me of a Christchurch monumental mason—that I believe is the correct title—who recently undertook an order for a tombstone. Ho finished his work, I have every reason to believe, with taste and despatch, and was about to erect the stone when the parish minister of his client objected to the weeping urn which he had sculpted on the head of the stone. To alter this would cost about £ls, which is a consideration to most people. Whatever is is right, so I suppose there is little u=e in saying anything of tho extraordinary uatire of a minister’s conscience who could " pass ” tombstones recording virtues which a deceased party never possessed, and hopes which, according to his own creed, could never be realised, and yet could object to a symbol which is both common and harmless. To save trouble, expense, and the feelings of tho monumental tra J o and thc?r customers, it would perhaps bo as well if the ministers who have the direction of such matters, drew up some statement of their views on tombstones, for tho benefit of their reipective parishioners A correspondent writing to mo from San Francisco sends mo tho following peculiar placard which was posted on a cask in a lager beer saloon in that city : To Trust is to Bust; To Bust is Hades — Therefore, No Trust, no Bust, no Hades.”

The original is not quite so classical as the above, and I’m not prepared to say that it is a very proper advertisement of the intentions of the landlord, but the principle seems worthy the attention of Canterbury lic'msfd victuallers, and I make them a present of the suggestion contained with much pleasure, hoping they will make me the sweet exception which wo are told proves the rule. The laches displayed by this community in sending up exhibits to the Sydney Exhibition is something lamentable, and thus it was that I road with feelings of no ordinary satisfaction the offer of Mr A. M. Johnson to send over his performing salmon. Of these fish Mr Johnson reports that they are well educated, will eat out of his hand, climb ladders, rise with alacrity to flies, and perform somersaults in the air with startling velocity.”

A box of such performers as these will no doubt bo one of the most interesting objects in the exhibition, and one likely to do this colony a great amount of good, for visitors will no doubt think if New Zealand fish are brought to such a high pitch of cultivation, what must the inhabitants be ? The following littleEsculapian item comes from—well—no matter where. A gentleman in an up-country township had the misfortune to break his leg, and the local physician thinking that amputation would be necessary telegraphed to a leading town doctor to know his terms for coming up to assist in the operation. On getting an answer he at once wired to the metropolitan medico to come up. On his arrival, after making his diagnosis, the M. M, gave it as his opinion that the leg could be saved, and the two doctors took action accordingly, When about to leave on his return home, the metropolitan medico was presented by a friend of the invalid with a cheque which, upon examination, proved to be for only half the amount originally asked by the doctor. With a bland smile he suggested to the friend that there appeared to bo some slight error about the cheque. “‘Oh! no” said the atniens curia, “You see there was no amputation performed.” “ Well,” responded the doctor, “ I fancied perhaps your friend would prefer retaining his leg, but if that’s what's the matter we can soon rectify the mistake,” and pulling off Ida cost was preparing to go in like a workman, when a fresh cheque made its appearance, and tho slight error passed away. N. —The leg was saved. It seems from a recent report of the Kaiapoi school committee that parents in the northern metropolis are frequently in tho habit of interrupting the school by going there to scold The teachers. In this connection the committee state that persons upbraiding and insulting the teachers are liable to a penalty of 40s for each offence, and that they intend to enforce it rigidly, Quito right too ! It doesn’t so much matter about the teachers, because no master or mistress is supposed to have any such thing about them as “ feelings,” and it is, we ail know, tho most natural thing in the world for a chump-headed bumpkin who can hardly sign his own ugly name to go down and teach the teacher how be or she ought to teach. It’s not the teachers I’m thinking of in tho matter. It’s the principle of tho thing. It’s tho robbing tho school committees of one *of the s wet test privileges they possess. As Mr Silas Wegg professionally “declined and fell,” and “us a friend dropped into pcetry,” so tho committees professionally'pass accounts, &0., os friends jump on the teachers when required. It’s not to bo supposed that any Canterbury School Committee, with any respect for themselves would sit tamely by, and see the most important part of their work taken out of their hands by amateurs. Let tho fines ho imposed by all means. “ Wanted to dispose of Lord Oakhurn’s Daughters, Bessy Rane, Jane Eyre, Beatrice Bovillo, Mary Barton, Catherine Blum—ls 61 each. R. Shannon, 90, Colombo street.” Is Mr Shannon, the enterprising stationer, a misogynist ? *lt would certainly appear so from tho very low estimate ho appears to place upon a variety of young womeu, some apparently of patrician lineage. Telegrams inform us that at tho recent fire at tho Dunedin Athenfeum tho bookt of travels, reference, and scientific and political works escaped uninjured, while the side of the building in which the rubbishy novels were kept has been completely destroyed. Now we shall have some pointing of morals and adorning of tales. A police regulation was issued some time ago forbidding the holding of Calcutta sweeps naido hotels. Since then the promoters of Calcutta sweeps have held their sportive gatherings in stores or any other buildings which they could make available for the purpose. This circumstance led to what a respectable journalist like myself could not do otherwise than call “an awkward contretemps.” In one of the Southern townships tho local bellman, standing midway between the two accommodation houses, was, in connection with his bell, announcing the fact that the Calcutta sweeps would shortly commence. Two well-known sportsmen, on their way to the Oriental entertainment, saw a good-sized building lighted up immediately opposite the bellman, and naturally thinking that it was tho tenement in which the sweeps were to be held, proceeded thither. They were met on the threshold by a sovere-looking party, who appeared to bo in charge. The following brief conversation then ensued First Sportsman—Have the sweeps commenced yet ? Severe-lookiug Janitor—Sweeps ! what sweeps P Second Sportsman—Why, you know ; the Calcutta sweeps, of course. Severe-looking Janitor—l don’t know what you mean by Calcutta sweeps, but there’s a prayer-meeting going to bo held here in about five minutes. (Exeunt sportsmen precipitately.)

To six large bottles champagne, at 15s 10 0 ,, three small do, at 7s 6d 1 2 6 ,, six bottles soda water, at 6d 0 3 0 ,, soda and bitters .. 0 4 0 „ corksore v 0 2 6 ,, three bottles claret, at 5s 0 15 0 ,, drinking glasses 0 4 6 £7 1 G