VARIETIES.

Globe, Volume XXI, Issue 1656, 11 June 1879, Page 3

VARIETIES.

A soft answer turneth away wrath, but it is not worth a cent to ward off" a broomstick.—“ Stillwater Lumberman,” There is many a man who prays fervently not to be led into temptation, and then goes into it of his own accord, expecting the Lord to get him out. An American editor says of a rival journalist who “ Smelt a rat,” that if he did, and the rat smelt him, the poor rat had the worst of it. We have yet to hear of the first woman who proposed to do a thousand washings H a thousand quarter hours,—“ Oil City Derrick.” A person being asked why he had given his daughter in marriage to a man with whom he was at enmity, answered —“I diditout of pure revenge,” An English writer says, in his advice to young married women, that their mother Eve married a gardener. It might he added, says the “Chicago Tribune,” that the gardener, in consequence of bis match, lost his situation. Speak gently, speak gently; no matter how much bigger and how much broader across the shoulders than yourself the other man is, nor how cross he looks, speak gently. The bigger and broader and crosser —the gentlier. A wit having been asked by another person whether he would advise him to lend a certain friend of theirs money, said—- “ What! lend him money! You might give him an emetic, and he wouldn’t return it.” “ Keep a sweet spirit,” advises a contemp Tary. From which we infer, says the “ Norristown Herald,” that he prefers sugar in his’n. Most persons, however, keep a good article of spirit, and let their friends sweeten it to suit themselves, A Nevada Girl’s Love Letter. — “ Dear Jimmy, It’s all up. We ain’t going to get married. Ma says you’re too rough, and I guess she’s right. I’m sorry—hut can’t you go to Europe and get filed down ?” A. young fellow with a small eyebrow on his upper lip, and a tongue that was always going, was asked by his girl if he knew why he couldn’t raise a moustache. “No,” he said, “ Becaus ’ you don’t give your mouth rest enough.” They don’t speak now. A late attache of a Phffiadelphia theatre bequeaths his head to the house to be used as the skuff in “Hamlet,” and yet there are people who deny that the American stage is getting ahead.—“ New York Herald.” That there is nothing so mean hut it will turn when trod upon, is the testimony of the man who stepped on a barrel hoop. And he was heard whooping it up till the air was blue as he limped into the house for some arnica,—“ Oil City Derrick.” The Convention of Second Adventists about to bo held will avoid the main point, which is to fix the date. If the event may not occur in a thousand yesrs, asks the “ New York Herald,” why get up any excitement now ? The Rochester “Sunday Herald” has started anew arithmetic. “ Ten cents,” it says, “make one so-so, ten dimes make one jolly, ten dollars make one tight, ten thousand make one respectable, and ten millions make one great good.” A bereaved widower, while receiving the condolence of fiieuds, acknowledged that it was indeed a loss, a sad bereavement, that he had suffered, and added:—“And just just think ! Only a few days ago I bought her a whole box of pills, and she hadn’t had time to take half of them before she died.” A pair of rusty scissors were recent’y found in the stomach of a codfish, at Portland. We ha,vo read many astonishing accounts of Ihc capacity of a cod's stomach, but this is the first instance on record of one admitting the whole effects of a country printing office. Myrtle Blossom sends us a poem called “Kiss Me Again.” We wish it distinctly understood that we never kissed her the first time—unless the oscalataiy favor was awarded in a moment of absentmindedness, and this is hardly possible.—“ Norristown Herald.” “Henry,” she said, “you don’t know what a soothing influence yon have on mo.” “My darling,” he whispered, softly, while a glad light came into bis eyes, “can it bo B 0?” “Yes,” she said, “when you are here, I always feel inclined to sleep.” A very old lady on her deathbed, in penitential mood, said—“l have been a great sinner more than eighty years, and didn’t know it.” An old colored woman, who had lived with her for a long time, exclaimed — “ Lors ! I knowed it all the time.” An old colored preacher in Atlanta, Ga., was lecturing a youth of his fold about the sin of dancing, when the latter protested that the Bible plainly said, “ These’s a time to dance.” “ Yes ; dar am a time to dance,” said the dark divine, “ and its when a boy gets a whippin’ for gwnne to a ball.” Oliver Holmes says, “ the true girl has to be sought for.” Exactly, and the good-for-nothing young scamp who sponges bis way through the world, too often does the seeking, and gets the girl who ought to be married to the young men of sense who has no time or inclination to hunt her up.—“ Turner’s Falls Reporter.” “ Ha ! ha ! there is blood on the moon ! ” he cried, striking an attitude in imitation of the tragedian he had seen at the theatre the night before. “What ho ! ye black and midnight hag ! ” when his mother suddenly walked into the bedroom aud spoiled the whole first act with a trunk strap. “ Can you toll me where Washington’s Monument is ? ” asked a rural gentleman in Charles street, Baltimore, the other day. “ Just lift your eyes off the ground,” said the person addressed, rather tartly, “and you’ll see it.” “Well, I hev lifted my eyes,” said the rural party, looking his informant calmly in the face, “an I don’t see nothin’ but a darned old fool.” Mistakes will Happen; “Pizarro” was the play. A verdant actor was cast for one of the smaller roles. To him fell the

line, “My lord, ’neath yonder palm we have captured a casique. What is your pleasure?” The fellow, when his cue came, rushed upon the stage exclaiming, “My lord, ’neath yonder palm we have captured a cask What is your pleasure?” “Foil him in.” howled the tragedian, “ and let’s burst in the bung.” _ _ He was praising her beautiful hair, and begging for one tiny curl, when her little brother said, “0, my! ’taint nothin now. You just ought to have seen how long it hangs down when sho hangs it on the side of the table to comb it.” Then they laughed, and she called her brother a cute little angel, and when the young man was going away and heard that boy yelling, he thought the lad was taken suddenly and dangerously ill. A learned clergyman in the State of Maine was accosted in the following manner by an illiterate preacher, who despised education - “ Sir, you have been to college, I suppose ? ” “ Yes, sir,” was the reply. “lam thankful,” rejoined the former, “that the Lord has opened my mouth to preach without any learning.” “A similar event,” replied the clergyman, “took place in Balaam’s time, but such things are of rare occurrence in the present day, ” A. correspondent asks our opinion concerning a certain point in a game of euchre. His note has been mislaid, but his question, according to our recollection, runs tins way : ace and both jacks, and C holds the right bower and king, and B goes alone and A goes against him and C takes three tricks, and B gets euchred and turns it dowm and A makes it a spade, and his partner has six cards and no trumps, and C gives him one, and B breaks the game in a row, should C or A pay for the drinks?” Answer We think he should. —“ Norristown Herald.” A Load Lifted.— A badly frightened stranger, whose dress betrayed the fact that he hadn’t much ready cash, called at the Central Police Station and complained that two men had been following him around for several hours with a view to robbery. “ Well, you’d better leave your money here until yon get ready to leave town,” suggested the captain. “But I haven’t got any—not a dollar,” was the reply. “ Then how can they rob you ? ” “ That’s so—never thought of that!” chuckled the man, as his face brightened, “After they've gone to the trouble of knocking me down and dragging me into some alley, they wont find a red in my pockets—ha ! ha ! ha ! ” He went away highly delighted, declaring that a great burden had been taken off his mind.— “ Detroit Free Press.” Man, with all his grand endowments, finds it difficult to tread the perilous edge oi an orange peel and keep his nose pointed iu the direction his Creator intended it to point.— “Andrews’ Bazaar.” Curious Epitaph. —“ Here lies, in Horizontal position, the outside Case of George Poutleigh, Watchmaker, whose abilities in that line were an honor to the profession ; Integrity was the Main Spring and Prudence the Regulator of all the actions of his life ; Humane, Generous, and Liberal, his Hand never stopped till he had relieved Distress — so nicely regulated were all his Movements that he never went wrong except when set a-going by People who did not know his Key, even then he was easily set right again. He had the Art of Disposing bis Time so well that his Hours glided away in one continual Bound of Pleasure and Delight, till an unlucky Moment put a Period to his existence. He depaitcd this life November 14th, 1802, aged 57. Wound up in hopes of being taken in Hand by h’s Maker, and of being thoroughly Cleaned, Repaired, and Set a-going in the World to come,”