THE LOAFER IN THE STREET.

Globe, Volume XXI, Issue 1651, 5 June 1879, Page 3

THE LOAFER IN THE STREET.

It may be remembered that when Mr Bcffin, the Goldman Dustman, became wealthy he divided the room in which Mrs Boffin and himself principally lived into two sections. One (Mrs Boffin’s) was furnished in the most costly manner, while the half retained by her husband was fitted up as a bar. Thus the two Boffins lived harmoniously. Whether the American gentleman who originated the following plan got his idea from the pages of “Our Mutual Friend’’ or not I cannot say, but his suggestion is certainly worthy of attention, the more so as by acting on it the working man triumphantly refutes Mr Booth’s assertion that the drinking habits of the mechanic was the one great cause of his present poverty. Now for the system: —Jones, a mechanic, is partial to his beer. He purchases a five gallon keg, for which he pays 2s a gallon wholesale. He gives this to his wife, and starts her in life as an unlicensed victualler. When ho becomes athirst ho purchases a pint from the partner of his bosom, for which he parts sixpence cash. There are 40 pints (perhaps) in the fire-gallon keg, which thus disposed of realises 20s, leaving the handsome profit of 10s, or 100 per cent, on the original outlay. It will be seen that by continuing the process a sweet business in the form of a Domestic Permanent Investment Association may be formed, the most peculiar feature of which is that tho more the mechanic drinks the wealthier he will become.

The proprietors of patent medicines have certainly a variety of ways of running their shows, but it is rarely a medicine man gets such a really good thing on as the following from Captain Burnaby, the well-known author of a “ Ride to Khiva ” :

Says page 18—“ Two pairs of boots lined with fur were also taken, and for physic — with which it is well to bo supplied when travelling in out-of-the-way places —some quinine and Cockle’s pills, the latter a most invaluable medicine, and one which I have used on the natives of Central Africa with the greatest possible success. In fact the marvellous effects produced upon the mind and body of an Arab sheik, who was impervious to all native medicine, when I administered to him five COCKLE’S PILLS will never fade from my memory; and a friend of mine who passed through the same district many months afterwards informed mo that my fame as a ‘ medicine man ’ had not died out, but that the marvellous cure was even then a theme of conversation in the bazaar.” I can quite understand tho latter portion of tho paragraph, as well as the part italicised, but the Sheik appears to have been a bit too much of a glutton. I don’t want to divulge the secrets of tho prison house, nor is it my wish even to hint for one moment that your London telegraphic correspondent got a bit mixed on tho Derby night, but tho following cablegram, which came into my possession the other night, certainly is a little mixed. This is tho cablegram : —“London, 2!)lh. Betty’s Winter Derby Louise encxente .” I wonder if the inventor of submarine telegraphy is answerable for tho poetry lavished by pressmen on such telegrams as tho above. If I could only feel sure that he would stand sponsor, so to speak, for one-tenth of the “ remarks ” it would bo very gratifying to me, though I scarcely think it would be altogether pleasing to him.

An aged parent, whoso son has been for some years engaged in the reporting business, recently came out from England, and in the course of conversation with his son, impressed on him the necessity of ever keeping before him the high tonedness of his mission. The pressman said, “ You are indeed correct, father. You can form no idea of the felicity of reporting a statesman whose speech you virtually have to make for him, and who, when you do take his exact words, invariably corrects you the next morning—of the joy it is to write the theatrical critique of a performance in which not one of the performers, male or female, has the remotest idea of either acting or dressing his or her part—of the delights of sitting for four hours to listen to tho platitudes of a meeting which makes after all a ton-lino local—of the happiness of reporting the cattle at an agricultural show, and interviewing an unsuccessful competitor thirsting for your blood the following morning, I have come to the conclusion, father, that whatever pride Thackeray, Dickens, Shakespeare, Byron, Addison, or Tommy Bracken may have taken in the best portion of their best works, poetry or prose, it cannot bo compared to the intense delight with which the nineteenth century Now Zealand reporter writes tho following delicious sentence—- “ Tho meeting then adjourned.” Money seems uncommon scarce just now. You may have observed this. They are just quite as bad elsewhere, however, in fact I should say in some places. Here is a sporting offer made by a speculator from Wellington to a Christchurch man who wanted to sell a section in the Empire City. Tho price demanded was £2B 10s, and the terms proposed by the would-be purchaser were one-fourth cash, and the remainder in bills at six, twelve, and eighteen months. What do you think of that for trade P Some men are born to greatness; some achieve it. Captain Russell, M.H.R., is one of the latter sort. A performance of the gallant captain’s has been going the round of

the ..papers lately which,, hoping it may encourage educationalists here to go and do likewise, I gladly reproduce. At a late meeting of the Hawke’s Bay Education Board he offered certain prizes to the girls attending any of tho schools in the Hawke’s Bay educational district. The following is a synopsis of the stakes to be competed for, and tho conditions of tho race :—First prize—A sewing machine, for tho beat seating of a boy’s or man’s old trousers. Second —A work box, for tho best attempt at making a hoy’s or man’s night shirt. Third-—A lady’s companion, for the best darning a pair of wornout socks or stockings. I wonder how many entries wc should have for a similar prize in Canterbury, and how the work would bo done. You might advocate this style of prize in a leader one of these days—and write up the first prize. There are a whole lot of orders waiting for the yictrix in your office alone. The “ Athenaeum ” says tho universal cry in Q-ermany now is “Back to Kant!” and the clearest tendency in England now is to re-echo tho cry. Just so, and we can beep tho yell up hero, regular sostunato-like. Only we spell it differently. I read so much just now abont the Maori question that I feel like tho cabman who, after reading nine leaders on tho Eyre— Jamaica question, was nearly driving Arlemus Ward over tho Thames Embankment. Thus it is that I cannot quite recollect where I saw the statement that Mr Tito Kowaru says his crowd of intelligent aborigines don’t mean to fight, whatever happens. This is really kind of T. It reminds one of the astute servant who refused to take notice on the ground that if his master did not know when he had a good servant ho knew when he had a good boss; but it is just a matter of doubt whether such a statement redounds much to the credit of the colony, coming, 'as it does, from a gentleman who has done the tyrant white race tho honor of murdering a few of them. Tho Kellys are, no doubt, a sweet boon to our Victorian neighbours, but they don’t attend durbahs, nor do they, bo far as I can learn, influence tho Parliament of Victoria.

The Timaru breakwater which is now fairly under weigh, must knock the hearts of the Timaru reporters stone cold. I judge so from tho remark of an old Timaru journalist imparted in confidence to me a long time ago. He said “Loafer, old man, tho wrecks on our coast are a real big thing for ua ; you can predict them in the first place, which is always safe. Then you can describe them, which is safer still. Eor weeks after you can keep on sticking in additional particulars, whether about insurance or personal gallantry don’t much matter. You who live away from the coast can form no idea of what wrecks are to ua. We can do fairly at present out of the crane, which is ever so to speak in a participial state, by which I mean that she is either working or abont to work, but a time will come when neither the crane nor wrecks will avail us, and a very hard time for the boys it will bo too.”

In one of your last week’s issues appeared the list of exhibits for the forthcoming Sydney Exposition. If not numerous they are various and will probably instruct the visitors to the great New South Wales show. By the way, what is meant by “Jade Specimens ?” Does this “ exhibit ” contain any allusion to the fair sex ? If so, who is the jade ? “ I loved her in the summer, I loved her in the spring, And to me she will be always A beauteous, beauteous thing."

The above is a selection from a copy of verses sent to me with a request to use my influence to got them published. The poetry throughout the selection is, without professing to be a judge of love poems, nearly up to the average, but I take this opportunity of telling “ O. 0. M. Q-.” that I could not reconcile the sentiment contained with my long conceived ideas on such matters sufficiently to recommend any editor to push the lines through. She, I have no doubt, is “a beauteous, beauteous thing,’’ but why, dear boy, are you only to love her only “ in the summer and the spring." Any well organised young woman would expect you to love her in the winter and the autumn. Such may be your intentions, but you should state them plainly even in poetry. It’s a half-and-half sort of way of declaring your affections, and to suit the columns of those papers I’m connected with, you must make your intentions a lot thicker than in the present heap. Try again "0.0. M. a.”