THE LOAFER IN THE STREET.

Globe, Volume XX, Issue 1641, 24 May 1879, Page 3

THE LOAFER IN THE STREET.

“Christchurch,” says the “Charleston Herald,” “must be a little Eldorado for bailiffs, sheriffs, &c. We find it telegraphed, the writer goes on to say, that 1000 summonses issued in one day is nothing unusual there. The inhabitants seem proud of the magnitude of the business in this way, and hasten to inform the rest of the colony of their pre-eminence just as they exult oyer the amount of wool and grain they raise. Perhaps, says the writer, that is the result of Canterbury’s large contribution to the revenue, for it is evident 1000 summonses occasionally, at an average of 10s each, must amount to a respectable sum in the course of a year.” Just so, oh sarcastic Charlestonian ! But you are misled as to your facts. We don’t issue 1000 summonses a day. We can’t afford it ; only about 990. The cost of a summons is, as no one knows better than myself, five silver shillings, and the only reason I can find to account for your astonishment at the trade doing in this line here is, that you have none of it over there. This arises probably from the fact that if a maa wanted to issue a summons in your metropolis he would have to raise the necessary funds by public subscription, and then the summonser would have to get some of his Greymouth and Hokitika friends to stand to him. We are poor, and perhaps more or loss dishonest, but wo can’t stand being chaffed on these things by Charleston, You may apprise your fellow townsmen of the fact that 12-i per cent is obtainable over here on the best security, but on second thoughts the par would be clean thrown away, for between ourselves you couldn’t raise—a cent in the whole town. Trainers ot greyhounds should bo careful. A case of some interest came off recently at Temuka, where some dogs killed a domestic puss after a brilliant run of twenty-seven feet. The owner of the cat sent in for damages, and the following are the particulars of bis claim :

« ji r J)r, to . To killing my cat with your dogs at my house —Value ol cat, £5; also, frightening my wife to risk of her U*'e. Total, £5.” Now r , when the “frightened wife” sees the above account I shouldn’t be surprised if she has a few rerna ks to make in reference toher husband’s two valuations. W hether he win his cose or not, take my word the poor man will have a merry time over his statement of damages. So he ought. At a certain Christchurch hostelrie it is the fashion to have a counter supper, a, custom which, I understand, is fully appreciated by the habitues. A young gentleman recently arrived from England called in at this establishment, and glancing through the medium of an eye-glass at the pile of sandwiches on •ho counter, said, ah, ho sweetly to the barn id—“ Are these arrangements —ah -pro huno publico.” “Well, no sir,” answered the presiding Hebe, “ t hey arc ah—Beef.” Then it was that li e young man from England felt almost sorry that he had left Ids cousins and his uncles aid his sisters an I his aunts, and slowly tkipped on htg homeward path.

I’m so sorry that Native meeting at Kopua is concluded. Tho telegrams in regard to this gathering were so vorv amusing, not to say instructive, and the results so important. Tho speeches of tho Moories were in many respects like tho majority of those made by our Parliamentary representatives. Thera was nothing whatever in them. The Maori speeches arc much more interesting than the ones in “Hansard.” They have at least the merit of that quality which wo are told is the sold of wit, So far as I can understand tho bearing of the question, a'd I may here per haps as well observe that I don’t understand it at all, tho whole Native policy may be summed up iu (ho following speech of Ngakau. “To Ngakau—l will look on. If Manga succeeds, I will side with him, but wait the result.” And yet Te What-do-you-call-him very probably never hoard of the immortal Captain Dugald Dalgety, The oratory at the public meeting of the unemployed on Saturday last seems to have been of a peculiar, not to say misogynistic, kind. AMr Charles Clemens made the following remarks; — “If ho could have his way he would have Julius McVogel (sir) strung up by tho heels. [A Voice —‘Lot him die,’] Ho was not fit to let die. Tho country was fit only for women. There were too many public houses. If they earned a shilling they spent it there ; if they gave the shilling to the women they spent it there too. Why, the women were the ruin of the men. [Applause.]” Mr Clemens seems to hold the same opinions as tho oft-quoted old Touraine judge on tho subject of tho fair sex, but I want to know what did Mrs 0. say when she read her husband’s speech ? Does Mr Clemens still live ? Has he got an increasement of head and an enlargement of the eyes ? I can’t help expressing my opinion, Clemons, that if the ladies of your acquaintance act in the manner you describe, the best course to pursue to check female intemperance is for the men to spend the shilling themselves. But you, Clemens, my eloquent, if not logical friend, have done good in your generation. You have given a large section of our community a really good text to preach from. Personally, however, I’d as soon listen to you as anyone. Can’t you speak a piece somewhere ? Something like your last, only a bit more extended. Female iniquity is always a safe draw on the stage. I don’t see why a man of your ability, Clemens, shouldn’t make a hit by lecturing on it. An application was recently made by Mr J. Q. Walker to the Hospital committee, asking permission for a few friends to come and sing some sweet low melodies, such as those to be found in Sankey’s collection, in the accident and convalescent wards. It was not deemed advisable by the Hospital Board to grant tho application, in addition to which Mr Walker writes to say that he has been chaffed owing to the funny manner in which his request was reported. From the letter quoted by Mr Walker it appears his suggestion was reported verbatim, and that whatever fun»iment there was about it emanated from that gentleman, and not from the reporter. The journalist who could feel funny over a meeting of tho Hospital Board would indeed have a keen perception of the ludicrous, but I’m not at all so sure that Mr Walker’s idea was not worth a trial. Like him, of course I’m not presumptions enough to question the wisdom of the medical staff, but Mr Walker may have entertained original views|on bis vocalism, which the medical staff were not aware of. For instance, Mr Walker may have thought of following the example of Mark Twain’s panoramic lecturer, who engaged a pianist to play airs appropriate to tho views. In this case how pleasantly Fiiggestive to a man who was going to, have his leg amputated at say eight o’clock would it be to hear Mr Walker’s chorus chanting sweetly and pianissimoly “ The Sweet By and Bye ” at four. I really think the—will Mr Walker be very much offended if I cull them so —Moody Troubadours ought to have had a show, and, if any of the tho patients expired in consequence, tho custom could have been discontinued. The victims would at any rate have had the satisfaction of dying in an orthodox style to what Mr Walker assures us would never have been other than “slow music.”

Your Tinwald correspondent is a man of decided views, so far as his locality is concerned. Ho concludes his account of Tinwald affairs with the following terse sentence: —“ A pound is much required.” Ay dime ! We want a great many pounds up here just now.

It is generally a source of interest, if not amusement, to see ourselves as other sec us, but I came across a pic'orial illustration of this fact in an American paper tho other day that certainly did more than credit to the imaginative powers of the artist. Tho scene chosen by the sketcher is thus described : “ The Serpents’ Valley in New Zealand — How Criminals Are Punished by the Governor of The Gold Mines—The Horrors witnessed by a French Sailor.” It would be quite impossible to describe the illustration properly, but it is very realistic. Two miserable looking men are tied to trees, and the serpents, who are fine grown reptiles, are making for their victims in a style which shows they have plenty of practice. The French sailor, mounted on a dozy-looking old screw, is evidently much interested at the eight, and is obviously about to applaud with that vivacity for which his nation are so remarkable. The sketch is really Laocoontic, but the artist does not inform us in what part of the country “The Serpents’ Valley” is situated. Up to the present I had been under the impression that there were no snakes in New Zealand, and I had been unaware of the existence of such an official as the Governor of the Gold Mines, I wish the American editor would pass along his French sailor.

Mr Cass has been once again distinguishing himself. Ho objects to being timed, and fears that if such a course is persisted in he will become the laughing stock of New Zealand. With regard to the latter, this ornament to the Council need have no misgivings as to the future. His notoriety in this respect is amply secured already. I cannot understand Mr Cass’s objections to being timed for being, according to his own showing, fifty years ahead of his age ; ho can afford to wait a bit. With the well-known characteristics of this ever jawing Councillor it is to be presumed that he should possess in some degree the organ of charity. If he would only use it occasionally by sparing his audience, it would be so much nicer. Silence with a man of your style, Mr Cass, is particularly golden. When you do talk, if you only knew it, your audience are thinking all the time that they never really understood the moaning of the word Casstigation till they heard you. Shut up for a month or two, Councillor Cass, it might almost make you popular.