VARITIES.

Globe, Volume XX, Issue 1371, 8 July 1878, Page 3

VARITIES.

There's a mining town West called " Nowhere." That's where a man has always heen when his wife lets him in at two o'clock iy (he morning. A little girl, when asked by her mother about suspicious bites in the sides of a dozen apples, answered—" Perhaps, mamma, they hare been frost-bitten, it was so cold last night." Two neighbours had a long dispute recently about a small spring, which they both claimed. The Judge, wearied out with the case at last Baid—" What is the use in making so much fuss about a littlo water ? " "Your Honor will see the use of it," replied a lawyer, " when I inform you that the parties are milkmen." " Please accept a Jock of my hair," said a bachelor to a handsome young widow whom he was wooing. " Hadn't you bettor give me the whole wig ?" she sarcastically asked ; to which lie responded —" You are very biting, madam, considering that your teeth are porcelain." Two coachmen meeting, one said to the other —"James, vy did you leave your situa fcion at General 'b ? " "Veil, sir," said James, loftily, " you see ho goes han buys three osses without consulting me, han hi couldn't hoverlook the haffront." " Hoff course not, James ; ven thoy does that, to maked oothin hon the deal."

" It is strange," muttered a young man, &■ he staggered home from a supper party, " How evil communications corrupt good manners. I have been surrounded by tumblers all the evening, and now I am a tumbler myself." A man being ticked, as he lay sunning himself on the grass, what was the height of his ambition, replied—" To marry a rich widow with a bad cough." A lady coming from abroad assured the customs officer that she had nothing but wearing apparel in the trunk, but he went to the bottom of the institution—where he found a dozen bottles of brandy stowed away. " Madam,'' demanded he, sternly, "do you call these wearing apparel ? " " Yes," the lady demurely replied, " they are my husband's night-caps !" The other day a ring at the door was heard, and the servant girl, calling to her mistress, said—" Please, mum, go to the door, and if it's any body for me, tell 'em I'm engaged." Never let anyone drive you to distraction. You may not be able to get back.