LOAFER IN THE STREET.

Globe, Volume IX, Issue 1363, 27 June 1878, Page 3

LOAFER IN THE STREET.

[from TJIE press ] Tfc has always struck me that making a man J.P. is rather a doubtful reward of merit. There don’t seem to be much in it. With the exception of receiving a free copy of the Governmental literature, there is nothing hanging to the situation besides the privilege of sitting on the Bench when doing so entails a serious loss of time, and perhaps trade. During the reient stumping tour of the Premier he visited the township of Blenheim, and the proprietor of the local paper made a good impression on the mind of the great proconsul. So much so that in the next list of J.P.’s his name appeared. Subsequently a squatter from the South, himself also a J.P., was on a visit to Blenheim. Sitting one afternoon at the bay window of the Club conversing with a local squatter, the latter called his attention to the newly-fledged J.P. The Southerner expressed his opinion that the Government were drawing the line a bit low down by appointing a common carter as a justice of the peace. The local man explained that thp new mernbpr of the magistracy was the proprietor and publisher of the local journal called the “Express.” “Well,” replied the visitor, “ he was pointed out to me the other day as the man who runs the “Express,” and I thought it was a luggage van.” Even under the favour of Sir Q-eorge it may be said. Ah who can tell how hard it is to climb, The steep where Fame’s proud temple shines afar. One of the very few uncharitable remarks over made by the gentle author of “Elia” was suggested by the remembrance of the Draconic code of discipline at Christ’s Hospital —a code which was reputedly jthe work, strange to say, of John Howard the Philanthropist. It was a school in which the rod was never spared. It was conducted on entirely different principles to any scholastic establishment out hero, I judge §o frorp the fact that a schoolmaster was recently charged at Balclqtha with tlqe terrible crimp of having beaten one of his scholars. The ill-used victim had been twice requested to bring forgotten lessons, but, being still forgetful-like, he was kept in after the school hours ; this the gentle youth calmly refused to accede to, and being impudent into the bargain, the cruel master struck him with the soul-in-spiring “tawse.” The youth’s papa, who, alas for the master, is chairman of committee, brought him before the magistrate. This gentleman has' reserved his decision. Probably that he may devise some punishment terrible enough to be commensurate with the offence of the brutal master. There’s no mistake about it, there’s a refinement about our education in this country which I believe is not to be equalled anywhere in the world. When Verdi's latest opera “Aida” was produced at Parma, Signor Bertani, of Beggio, went to see it. Signor B rtani did not like it, and took the singular course of sending in a bill to the composer for his expenses, amounting to thirty-two lire, witli the following letter : —“ I have arrived at this conclusion —“ Aida ” is an opera in wdiich there is absolutely nothing to excite enthusiasm, and, but for spectacular effects, the public would not, have heard it to the end. When it has filled the theatre two or three times it will he condemned to the dusty seclusion of the library. Picture to yourself, then, dear Signor Verdi, the regret which I feel in having wasted about thirty-two lire, and add thereto the aggravated circumstance that I am dependent on my family, and that the money troubles my rest like a frightful spectre. Wherefore I frankly address you in hope that you will send me the amount.” Signor Verdi, greatly amused by this novrl application, requested his publisher to forward the amount. If the principles pursued respectively by Signori Bertani and Verdi were to meet with prototypes in some theatres I am acquainted with south of the Line, what a high old time t he companies would have, and how trying it wmuld be to the'managements to feel as delighted as they are usually represented to be over truthful criticism ! By the way, there is an artless old remnent of a human frame who lives at our place struggling with an article on dramatic criticism ; when he’s struggled enough you shall have it. Editors of papers publishing recipes for home and household use cannot be too explicit in their directions. A man down South a few days ago cupie across the following—“To Cuke Chilblains, —Rub the feet well for six successive nights with petroleum.” He was never, unfortunately, able to test the experiment satisfactorily. Ho never got beyond the first successive night. Owing to being an habitual smoker his feet left him in company with a match box and three chilblains on the first night of rubbing. His memory is much respected. Far more than you would l ave anticipated had you known him before ho got messing with petroleum.

A new ’way lias been discovered here of making money. You give say £SCGO for a block of land, give it a name, mash it up into allotments, and sell it under the hammer. Out of such ideas do men weave 200 per cent, into their credit. It is an idea that might possibly have occurred to me years ago, but as in the esse of many other great me? a want of capital lias militated against tho evolution of speculative business refl-ctions. And yet L have derived benefit therefrom. Tnese sales occur almost daily. There is always a free lunch. Neither tho auctioneers or the promoters have any occasion to go out to seek the halt or the lame for the. refection provided, Thera are plenty of

sound men of my fraternity always present. I don’t grudge them their free repast, bless you. Live and let live is my motto, but if old Baggy Brogues keeps on in his present style, I’m blessed if he won’t cruel the whole affair, so far as we are concerned. He lias no tact. Ho shoves himself into speculations. He gives his opinions ignorantly and unasked for. He makes himself conspicuous at feed time, and is too liberal to himself in the matter of drink. I reckon on a moderate computation that man has put down since these sales commenced - Four tins of biscuits, six cases of champagne, and enough wine, beer, and spirits to start a commencing publican well into a brisk business. I’ve told him of it over and over again, and I warn him once more that if ho continues on in his present vicious career he will ruin not only himself, but other poor old men like myself, who really do take an interest in the progress of the country, as manifested by the increasing value of land and the excellent free luncheons consequent thereon. What a contrast is Slimkins to the other old sinner. Neat and affable, he is ever present at a sale, and though he never bids, he looks os if he did. What a gift is this, and how grateful he ought to be for a style that enables him to appropriate unsuspected well cooked viands sufficient to keep his family three days out of the week. Te Hapuku, the Maori chieftain who died recently, seems to have been a man of parts. In his obituary in the “ Wananga” it is stal ed that he was often amused at the easy mode by which, as he said, money can make a gentleman with the Europeans, and the want of it sinks a man of good heart and cultivated mind into the ranks of the tutua (unknown). As he often stated, a Maori chief is a chief by birth, and he does not need the external world to bolster him up ; his bones are red, which is the birthright of all chiefs, but the European has only the red gold in his pocket, which does duty for red bones to give him the right to be of noble birth, and to have the power to command. I infer from the above that To Hapuku was a very observant gentleman, and that the Maori race is not nearly so advanced in civilisation as I had thought. Some years ago I wrote a paragraph of which I was very proud. I finished it with a quotation refei’ring to the two daughters of the horse leech, who “ cry continually Give, give.” In the morning I was surprised to learn that I had represented the young ladies in question as crying continually “ Gin, gin.” I spoke sadly to the reader about this unfortunate misquotation of Scripture, and he said I had only my bad writing to thank for it. His Honor Mr Justice Johnston has the defective acoustic properties of the new Timaru Court House to thank for a similar mistake. A southern reporter made the Judge use the word “ Kibosh” instead of “Oui Bono.” I should like to know that reporter, and get him to tell me all the remarks the boys have made to him on the subject since. “ Merchant's Clerk.—A practical accountant desires evening employment; a rapid and clear correspondent upon commercial or other subjects; considered a pleasant companion, well travelled, and amusing. Apply, &c.” The above advertisement appears in the columns of your contemporary. Pleasant and amusing companions are so scarce that I should be glad to know what Phoenix considers his services are worth, and if he would kindly inform us who considers him to be what he states he is, it would add considerably to his chance of success. We are, according to an old adage, known by our companions, and opinions may differ considerably as to what a good causeur may mean.