VARIETIES.

Globe, Volume IX, Issue 1264, 6 April 1878, Page 3

VARIETIES.

" Surely you must be tired, aunty P I ean't. think how it. is you are able to work co long." "Liwka bless you, my dear, when I o-iat sets do>vn to it like, I'm just too lazy to leave off"

The young gentleman who, the moment his fath.-r had made his will, wanted to enter the old boy for the potato show because he was a ten 'tafcur, has only escaped disinheritance by a fluke.

"After all," says the New York 'Sun," "honesty is the best policy " This ad-ige ha l ? too long been thrown out as a theory. Somebody must 'est its truth by makiug a personal application of it. "Why, Sammy!" said a father to his H'tie son the other day, "I didn't know th .t your teacher whipped you hist Friday " " I he replied, "if you had been in my trousers you'd a known it." Boots of the thirteenth century are occa sionally dug up in London, with skeletons of eats of the same festive era. The relative portions of the boots and cats shows that the ancients were not much better at aiming than we of to-day are.

A Canadian priest lately sued a young man whom he had married for hi-i weddmg fee, which he stated at 15 dollars. The jury found fo'- the defendant, on the ground that the youth had received no applicable alue.

A schoolboy asked his fa f her the differ ence between civ ligation and barbarism. "It is very simple, mv b »y." repli d paterfamilias. "Civilization kills an enemy with a cannon ball at 6000 yards ; harbarism cuts off his head wi'h a sword-stroke."

Abase, ignoble brute savs that when he sees a woman neither fat nor fair, but forty, with a cardinal red plume on her bat, it su ;ge«ts to him a life and death struggle be ween nature and art, with art on the top by a small majority. The "New York FTerald" announces that the rowing crew of the <\>lumhia University at New Y rk propose to visit England early in the spring to cunp -te at the H- nley Re gat a. subsequently proceeding to Paris to nter for the matches on the duiing the International Exhibition.

Al»ck—" Weel, Smdy, what's that VTcPherson 's got on his board Ihe day? " Sandy (excitedly) —" Losh man, Ah'ck, that's awfu' wi\rk—it snys quite plain in bij; letters, that there's a greit bittle raging in Kirs." Aleck—" Whatna car* is thtt ?" Sandy—"Wee], I think it'll be the Carse of Gowrie."

A letter, of wh'ch the following is the it<>nl t.px f , was picked up on the street: ' Dere Giui cum to the hous too nite 'he old mans going to the 1 dg> a'd mars G t The r.-omytisra so bid sh* kant heir herself sneeze b* Sure An b--ine Sura of That kanrly •»i»h sent, ontoo it cauto we're going to have Pride Iniuns for supper. Your own JtTLYANA."

" A good deal is said about the importance of one vote," says the Louisville "Courier Journal," "but it is one that counts. At Lexington, Missouri, lately, there were three men in a wajgon drawn by two blind mules. The driver had but one eye and the other two mf-n were totally blind The amount of responsibility that rested upon one eye in the waggon can scarcely be estimated." Moment-ous—Lord Coleridge says it has been calculated that every moment occupied in his court costs the country 10s. " Time is money," says the proverb; and who, after this, will be inclined to deny the statement. But that moments should be as precious as 'Ms, seems also rathpr to indicate that such an expensive legal instrument as Lord Coleridge's court is a precio is shame. Mr W. Lyall Holland Briti«h chaplain a f Riga, stites th a fc afrer the Ist of January, 1878 the "Standard" will no* be admitted into Russia On'y last summer the ' PaU Mall Gazette" whs eras -d from the list of newspapers sanctioned by the censor at Riga and the only two London daily pape r ß remaining on the list for next y &<■ are the 'Times" and the " Daily News"—both Bussophile o-gans. Am 111 Omened Fowl.—Baltimore papert tell of " A ' ird that Caused a Divorce." Is was a duck of a bonnet probably.—" New York Commercial." a go'se—of a husband —more likely.—" Norristowa Her*ld." A swa low —of whiskey—pe>hapa —"Worces ter Pr ss." Probably it was pie. A crowmo for the best explanation —" Boston Globe." If the B.G. won't be robin themselves, let tbem forward that crow-mo to this office (" • ree P'esa"), as it was only a lark of the husband's

She'Han. to test; the acoustic qna'itfes of a new theatre he had built asked ihe carp nter to speak on the stage, while he would go and listen t ■ him from the ga lery. "Now, then," said Sh ri lan, when he had ascended. The carpenter responded—"l and my mate have been working here for the last f-ix we-ks, and we should like to see the color of your honor's money !" "That will <lo," said Sheridan ; "tbe acousics are perfect." " He was only nn u qiv'sitive boy, and he paid, " Ma, will all the hi athen turn" up when it ciraes resurrection times?" "Yes, mv son." "And them missionaries—those will turn up?' "Certninly, my son." "Well, when the cannibal heathen what's been feeding on missionaries get resurrected, and them m's*ionaries what's been eat comes around and wants to be resurrected, things is going to be worse mixed thin the presidental election; hey, Ma?" "It's time you were in bed, my son."

A Connecticut Yankee went into a country store, aud confuted its proprietor with an iutricate mathematical c'lcnlaton, by n<ea»B of which be got his drink " free." " How much," said he, "are herrings this morning?" "Three c> nta a pieoe," said the gr peer. " Oh," said the Yankee, "I'll take one," and the grocer rolled him up his herting. As feet ok the parc-1 a new thought struck him. "Keep beer?" he shouted ex plosively. "Yes," said the grocer, as soon as he recovered from the shock of his customer's abruptness. " How much a glass ?" "Three cents." "Oh, ah," said the customer thoughtfully, and. then with gr at rapidi-y, "Well, \ woiat take the her ing ; I'll take bj^oy; herring's three cents, beet's, thr&?. tierring;" and he parsed over the hewing, drank the beer, and started fa go. " See, interrupted the grocer, "you haven't paid for the beer," **Paid for it ;of course I haven't, J gaye you the herring for it both,the,same price you said.'* " Ye-es, I know,"- said the groce.r, who was getting confused, '' but you didnli pay for the herring." "Pay for the herring!" thundered the "Sa.nk.ee* "of cour-ie 1 didn't.; why should I? I didn't take it, did I?" And then the grocer said meekly, " Oh, well, I presume it is all right ; only I don't know, but of course you're correct; only—if you'd jusfc as lief -I wish you would irade-some-where elan." The customer retired, and the grocer fell into a ttfQWfl s,tu,dy, from which he at length with, the remark, " Was, a darned smart fellow, anyhow, ' '.' Eliza," said a fond mother to her daughter, recently, as that daughter was about going forth in tow of a young man who worships the very side-walk she walks upon, " go to the bread-box and eat a good hig crust of bread before you go out." " V?hy, Maw," replied the blushina girl, " I don't feel the least bit hungry.. We've only just had tea." " I know ifc s but you will be hungry before yoy., get back ; and when Adolphus takes Jyou into a restaur mt you'll eat ice-cream and sponge-oake and ham sandwiches and enough to scare him out of a yeay'a growth. You silly girls don't think of thj>, but. we experienced women do, VSJhen he asks you to go in and hay?; oysters, even if you. a»e hungry, *fyn't. Say you do not ayjjwovo oii was.ting the money of, ibeir futuja •husbands on trifles, when >k Wgbt b,e applied towards furnishing 4. Yinh always takes the m,en; it sets them to thinking o J -i hod;ekefpjtig a>i'i matrimony ; it makes tjhtfm, believe -tHatL You are the incarnation of t\nd, would make an excellent wife ; and ap, they often say things which give vou a ivdd over them, or are effective t e ore a jury." Eli?A treasured up these sagacious, counsels, and acted upon them with such earnestness and effect that sh» came home blio was an engaged wqi»a.u (