VARIETIES.

Globe, Volume IX, Issue 1234, 16 February 1878, Page 3

VARIETIES.

It is now believed the fixed stars were placed so far away in order that ths patentmedicine man couldn’t get there to paint on the rocks.

The lady whom Stanley was to marry has wedded another. What shall it profit a man if he finds fifteen million heathens and loses his best girl. A ’Bus Story. Mr. Frank Buckland, writing in “Land and Water,” tells the following story respecting a Frenchman, whose acquaintance with our language was exceptionally imperfect, and whose knowledge of our monetary syrtem was also capable of great improvement. Some friend had told him that a sixpence was the smallest English silver coin, and on arriving at his destination after a long omnibus journey, he tendered a fourpenny bit in payment. The conductor tried to explain to him both by words and dumb show that the fare was sixpence. “Mossoo” naturally thought that, as a foreigner, he was being imposed upon, and repeatedly insisted upon the correctness of his payment. “ Dat ees shixpence.” Again and again did the conductor attempt to bring him to a more satisfactory frame of mind, but in vain. The driver was getting impatient, and the conductor felt that he must give the thing up as a bad job. However he could not conscientiously do this without relieving his mind by a parting shot. Putting his head head inside the ’bus, with a courteous salute, he inquired, with studied calmness, “ Will any lady or gentleman oblige me with the French for a d fool ?” The Bible in Tuhket and China. —Mr T. W, M, Marshall, in his able work on “Christian Missions,” says:—“Bibles are given to the Turks; . . . , 199 out of 200 cannot read. A Turk takes one of them as he would a treatise on fluxions or a life of Lord Bacon, and with about as much interest. He either keeps it as a curiosity, or tears it as waste paper. The Albanians make wadding for their guns of the leaves of the Society’s Bibles The Bible Society is simply a vast and successful organisation for supplying the heathen world with waste paper. It is to be presumed that its subscribers deem this a worthy object, and not too dearly purchased by the millions which have been expended on it.” If there be any magical virtue in the mere circulation of the Sacred Book, the Chinese ought certainly to be speedily converted. One traveller states that he has frequently seen the walls of houses papered with the leaves, and that the grocers commonly wrap their wares in them. Another states that he has often seen them used for the soles of thick Chinese shoes.

A sporting writer says that he remembers at a great city banquet some years ago there was present as a guest a worthy pawnbroker who had amassed an immense fortune, and had just performed a very praiseworthy act of philanthrophy. It was intimated to him that his health would be drunk, and that he would be expected to respond to the toast. He was no orator, and so sought counsel from a friend as the form which hia acknowledgment of the toast should assume. His friend’s advice was peremptory and brief—- “ Avoid shop as you would the devil—that’s all the advice I have to give you.” In due course the toast was proposed and received with acclamations, and the honored pawnbroker rose, Hushed and nervous, to reply. He began, “My Lord Mayor and Gentlemen, —I pledge you my honor ” There was a sudden titter heard, the orator paused, and in the pause a voice was heard distinctly to say, “Shop, shop, sir! You ought to know better than to spout what doesn’t belong to you.” Beads of perspiration stood upon the “spouter’s” face, and after muttering a few inaudible words, he sat down, checkmated, as a wag observed, by a pawn. Accident to a Proof Reader and Compositor.—“ Prom the sample trunks in the hallways of the hotels, we should judge the drummers from New York houses have arrived in town, ” was the innocent paragraph a Western editor wrote for his paper. When he returned from dinner the grinning office boy announced to him that four gentlemen were waiting to see him. ‘ Where are they ?’ asked the quill driver. ‘Well,’ said the imp, * they’ve been smoking in the composing room till the compositors have sneezed all the type out of their sticks, ’n they’ve sent me out six times for beer, ’n now they’re playin’ draw poker with the foreman on the imposing stone. * Very well, ’ said the editor, bringing a large club in the corner more to view, i eplacing the paper cutter with a bowie knife, and half opening a drawer in which reposed a revolver, ‘show ’em in.’ Four gentlemen in very plaid suits, with very large diamond pins and very loud watch chains, with lockets at the ends as big as dollars, entered, the foremost laying a card on the desk, inscribed ‘Sharp, Chisel and Co., 1001 Beekman street. New York, hardware and cutlery,’ in small letters, and ‘presented by Geo. Gouge.” In very large ones, asked—- ‘ Are you the editor ?’ The journalist looked at the party quietly, as if calculating the cost of their grave clothes, and answered, ‘ I am.’ * Here is a little paragraph about commercial travellers, ’ said Mr. Gouge, pulling a paper from his pocket, * which me and my friends, who are members of the Temple of Honor, and belong to the Young Men’s Christian Association of New York, would like explained. The miserable man took the paper mechanically and gazed at his paragraph, which the printer had set as follows : ‘From the simple drunks in the hallways of hotels, we should judge the drunkards from New York houses have arrived in town.’ Quietly taking up his revolver, the editor strode up-stairs-two sharp reports and heavy falls were heard, and the journalist returned and pleasantly remarked to his visitors :— ‘ Gen tlemen, there are not many entertainments in this town now, but a proof reader and a compositor are to be buried to-morrow, and if you care for that sort of thing we should be pleased to see you at (the funerals. ’ And he sat down | to write an obituary notice, while that night ‘ through the cold and heavy mist ’ four gentlemenbou ght railway tickets for Chicago.”'