VARIETIES.

Globe, Volume IX, Issue 1216, 26 January 1878, Page 3

VARIETIES.

Maria Antoinette's milliner had once upon a time a profound thought. She said, " Madame, there is nothing new but what has been forgotten." An Omission. All the old writers on necromancy and demonology give incantations whereby Satan may be raised ; but nothing whatever is said about contradicting your wife. It is estimated that there are 2400 disorders to which the human frame is liable. When a man is laid up with the rheumatism he is apt to think that the entire number has struck him in concert.

Early News.-When a small boy with a prejudice against dogs observes an old oyster can in a condition of inactivity, he at once begins debating whether it was created to point a moral or adorn a tail. The dog gets the first news of the decision. The Paris Exhibition.—The medals and prizes to be given away at the Paris Kxhibition will amount in value j;o £60,000. The International Jury will consist of 650 members, 350 being foreigners, 300 Frenchmen. Besides these there will be 325 supplementary jurors, that is to say 175 foreigners, and 150 Frenchmen. In Fine Arts there will be 17 medals of honor, 32 first medals, 44 second, and 48 third jmedals. Agriculture and industry will be accorded 100 grand prizes, 1000 gold medals, 4000 silver medals, 8000 bronze medals, and 8000 honorable mentions.

Too Hasty.—A Dedham business man wended his way home to dinner the other day, and, arrived at the house, was surprised to find all the doors locked. Fearing that some serious mishap had befallen the partner of his joys and sorrows, and none of the neighbors being able to give him any information, he procured a hatchet and broke an entire window sash to fragments. Upon crawling into the room he found the following note lying upon the table: —"Dear Hubby, I have gone to hear Moody and Sanky. You will find the key to the front door on the left-hand corner of the porch, and some cold ham in the pantry. I will pray for you." One Thing He Did Know. —An old sailor was struggling near the Navy-yard in one of our cities with plenty of grog aboard, when he was met by the Admiral, as he should have done. The Admiral, who was very strict in this particular, addressed the pailnr thus : "Do you belong to the United States Navy?" Sailor—" Well, I don't know whether I do or not." Admiral—" Don't know ! What ship do you belong to ?—do you know that?" Sailor—"l hardly know that either." Admiral-" Well, sir, do you know me?" Sailor—" No." Admiral—- " I am Admiral of the U.S. Navy, and Commander of this Navy-yard " Sailor—" Well, Admiral, there is one thing I do know, and that is you have got a darned good job." In his laughter the Admiral forgot the salute, while the sailor steered into a saloon for another glass of grog. "Just Like the Sex! "—"Did I love ai;y other girl ?'' repeated a prospective bridegroom, in answer to the tearful query of his intended. " Why, darling, of course not; how could you ask such a question ? You are my first, my only love ! This heart knew no waking until the sunshine of your love streamed in, and woke it to ecstacy! " And then he kissed her tenderly, and went home, and said to himself, "I must hurry them things out of the way right off, or there'll be a row;" and he collected a great pile of letters, written in all kinds of feminine hands, with lots of faded flowers, and photographs, and locks of hair, and bits of faded ribbon, and other things ; and, when the whole collection had been crammed into the kitchengrate, he drew a deep sigli, and said to himself, " There goes all that's left of fourteen undying loves—let 'em flicker! " Cross-Examining.— A quick and ready wit is an almost indispensable endowment in a good cress examining counsel, but the quickest and readied sometimes finds his match. " Now," began a learned gentleman, rising slowly from among his professional brethren, and looking very profound, "Now, are you prepared to swear that this mare was three ytars old?" "Swear," returned the stableman in the box, "Yes, I'll swear she was " " And pray, sir, upon what authority are you prepared to swear it?" "What authority?" echoed the witness. "Yes, sir, upon what authority? You are to give me an answer, and not repeat my question." I don't see as a man can be expected to answer a question before he has had time to turn it over." " Nothing can be simpler than the question put to you. Upon what authority, 1 repeat, do you swear to this animal's age ?" "On very good authority." "Then why this evasion? Why not state it at once ?" " Well, if you must have tt_" " Must have it!" interrupted the man of law, "I will have it." "Well, then, if you must and will have it," said the ostier, with deliberate gravity, "I had it from the mare's own mouth."