VARIETIES.

Globe, Volume VIII, Issue 886, 27 April 1877, Page 3

VARIETIES.

A Bill has been introduced in the Californian Legislature to prohibit the sale of liquors within four miles of the California University. It should be entitled “An Act to promote pedeatrianism among students.” “What is the meaning of a backbiter ?” asked a clergyman at a Sunday school examination. This was a puzzle. It went down the class until it came to a simple urchin, who said, “Perhaps it be a flea.” A wealthy Bishop congratulated a poor priest on the good air which he breathed in his parish ; to which the latter replied—- “ Yes, my lord, the air would do well enough if I could live upon it. ” A Yankee couple celebrated their silver wedding in Vermont the other day, of whom it was said they never exchanged a harsh word during their wedded life of twenty-five years. The most incredulous will believe it when it is stated that they are deaf mutes.

Ananias B. Knott has obtained a divorce from his wife in St. Louis, on the ground of “cruel and abusive treatment.” He was Knott, her husband, and she was Knoft, his wife. Now she is not; that is to say, she is not Knott, and he is divorced, still he is Nnott. Why not ? A rural correspondent writes :—“ls there any good shooting your way ?” No, there is no good shooting our way— no good in the world. Besides, >f you go to -hooting our way, and we hear of it, we’ll have you arrested. There is no good shooting, anyway. Gin fiontii Sa tor do y Fiy ht. When you reflect that at picnics a hundred years ago it was the custom for the girls to stand up in a row, and let the men kiss them all good-bye, all this enthusiasm about national progress seems to be a grave mistake. The most original spelling we have ever seen is the following, which is taken from an old book—it beats modern phonetics : “SO you lie—a tub. 80 oh! pea—a top. Be 80—bat. Sec SO —cat. Pea SO —pat. Are SO—rat. See oh! double you —cow. Sec you be - cub. See a bee—cab. Be you double tea—butt. See a double ell—-call.”

“Class iu the middle of geography stand up,” said the schoolmastci'. “ What is a pyramid ?” he asked. “ A pile of men in a circus, one on top of the other.” “ Where’s Egypt?” “Where it always was.” “Where’s Wales?” “All over the sea.” “ Very well,” said the schoolmaster, “stay there till I show you a species of birch that grows all over this country.” One of the show urchins in the infant class of a village school was asked to tell the clergyman how many he could count. He proceeded without any break up to ten, and then paused. “ Good boy,” said the clergyman, “ can’t you go on any further?” The boy then added, “Knave, queen, king, and ace. ”

She was languishing upon a sofa, watching him affectionately as lie skipped briskly about the room putting things in order. Finally she said, in a low, sweet tone of voice, “ George, darling, I don’t believe you will ever be a great man.” “ Why so, love ?” he asked, wheeling a chair round on one of its legs and gracefully stroking it with a duster. “Because great men always have such lazy, good-for nothing wives.” Senator Arago, says a Paris correspondent, has a proverbially large nose ; he is an hereditary republican, and royalists swear by his organ, and artists are loud in their praises of its vcrmillion color. A few days ago he was going to Versailles, and in the same compartment of the railway carriage were brother senators and a lady with an infant on her knees. The child commenced to cry, and Arago endeavoured to coax it to be calm, but the child cried the more. Thu lady begged lie would cease his pleasantry, as she was Hying Paris, her infant being terrified with the masks and false noses, so she would be obliged if Arago would remove his, and conceal it for the remainder of the journey. The I lev. Daniel Isaacs once alighted at an inu to stay the night. On asking for a bed, he was told he could not have one, as there was to be a ball that evening, and all the beds were engaged. “At what time does the ball break up ?” asked Mr Isaacs. “About three in the morning, sir.” “Well, then, can I have a bed until that time ?” “Yes, certainly; hut, if the bed is asked for, you will have to remove.” “Very well,” replied Air Isaacs; and away he went to get between the sheets. About three in the morning he was awaked by loud knocking at his chamber-door. “What you want?” ho asked. “ Flow many are there of you in here?” inquired a voice. “There’s me, and Daniel, and Mr Isaacs, and an old Methodist preacher,” was the reply. “Then, by Jupiter, there's plenty of you !” And the speaker passed on, leaving Mr Isaacs to enjoy his bed.

They had a quarrel on Sunday evening. He got mad, and swore he’d leave her. Then she got vexed, and told him he could do as he pleased. He left. The next night he came round again. Lie asked to see her alone. She readily complied She was all of a tremor. Her heart went out to him in a gush of sympathetic love. She stood ready to throw both arms about his neck and cry out her joy. There was not much color in his face, and his voice was husky. He said, “ I have been with you six mouths, Matilda, and 1 tried in all that time to do what was right.” He paused an instant to recover the voice which was faltering rapidly, while her trembling increased. I know that I have got considerable temper, and that 1 do not control it always as I ought. But I have tried to lie faithful to you, tried to do everything that I thought would tend to make you happy, and, feeling this, I have called to-night to sec if you wouldn’t be kind enough to give me a sort ot testimonial to this effect, so that I could show it to any other young lady I might want to go with. It might help me.” He looked at her anxiously. All the color left her face in a flash. She made a great effort to swallow something which threatened to suffocate her. Then she spoke, “You got out of this house as quick as you can, you miserable whelp, or my father should kick yon out.” He didn’t toy with time. He left without the testimonial. —Danbury News.