HUMOUR.

Globe, Volume VIII, Issue 850, 15 March 1877, Page 3

HUMOUR.

Said Jones, sweepingly, ‘When you are in Rome do as the Romans do ;’ and Johnson replied, * When you are in gin do as the Injins do.’ The grave of the inventor of the accordion is unmarked by a stone. It ought to have an epitaph, * Hark, from the tomb a doleful sound. ’

Supposing we have two or more Presidents to take the oath of office. There won’t be any harm follow, for the law allows us to inaugereight. Ko minutes of the proceedings of the Louisiana Returning Board were kept. ‘ l\ T o use for minutes,’ the Board might have said, ‘ everything is our’s. ’ We have been looking for it and here it is : ‘ A South Bend hen has laid an egg inscribed “War.”’ Read‘war’ backwards, and you will get the true character of that egg. The hen commenced at the wrong end to spell. There seems to be a fatality among the supremely rich men this year. We are not feeling well ourselves. Qus-en Victoria is not for war, although the soldiery are. This shows that the hairpin is mightier than the sword. People haven’t yet began to ‘ Oh, for St Valentine’s Day’much. There are so many who still owe for Christmas.

Beautiful sentiment by a milkman— £ While the ship of State is in danger, let every man be at the pumps,’ First Astor, then Vanderbilt ; thus are our rich relatives dropping off and leaving us not the slightest incentive to grief. The leap year has passed, and that remiads us that it’s a blamed sight easier to ask questions than to answer them, especially if you are good looking and ain’t married.

A Danebury gird has settled the matter. She says a frosty moustache is just like a plate of ice cream. —Danebury News. A cent plate with two spoons in it, eh.— 1 Vashington Nation.

There is an excusableness of misuse of similies in the writing of some men. Here, for instance, is a Democratic editor who calls General Grant ‘ a sweet plum,’ as if ho were a sort of candy date. A large number of merchants have figured up their business of last year, and find that, notwithstanding the unparalleled hard times and general depression of trade, they made—nothing. An exchange does the Chicago people the justice to say that the great majority of them are honest. You meet the great minority oftener, because circumstances require them to be constantly in motion. Misfortunes, like borrowed umbrellas, are easily carried—if they belong to others. Darwin believes that birds have religious distinctions. Hens probably belong to the laity. Cardinal Antonelli left only four nieces and four nephews. If we had known he was so short of relatives, we might just as well as not have volunteered to act as nephew, and thus give these nevys the vote they lack to break the tie. How pleasant it is on New Years’ Day to have an Adams express waggon drive up to your door, with a nice box in it, and have the gentlemanly agent inquire with an irresistible smile, if your co-tenant, Mr Whiffkins, lives on the second or third floor. An exchange hopes the life of Vanderbilt, the great railroad king, will be an example to young men. It will. We have got together sixty cents towards the fifty odd millions ho was \v r orth, already, and are looking about for a good railroad to become president of. The London Saturday Review says that ‘ Girls are by nature more inclined to untruthfulness than boys.’ This assertion may be true as far as England is concerned, but in this country its falsity is proved by the fact that more boys than girls become editors of Western newspapers.

11l New York you can buy a big gingerbread Tweed for live cents. The original Tweed cost the city six millions ; and here you have the difference between a gingerbread rogue and a thoroughbred rogue. Another difference : The latter’s ‘ cake is all dough,’ and the former’s dough is all cake A Home miss of seventeen summers has concluded to marry a big man for her first husband, and a little one for the second, so that she can cut the clothes of the first down and make them over for his successor. Thuthe hard times force home lessons of rigid economy and practical sense upon teudci child hood.

An old coloured preacher in Columbus was lecturing a youth of his fold about the siu of dancing, when the latter protested that the Bible plainly said, ‘ There is a time to dance. ’ ‘ Yes, dar am a time to dance, s aid the dark divine, ‘ and it’s when a boy gits a whippia’ for gwme to a ball.’

He used to cramp his feet up in little hoots and limp painful-y to her residence every Saturday evening, but the morning after his marriage he went into a shoemaker’s, drew a chalk mark arou id his foot, about an inch distant from it on both sides at the heel and toe, and ordered the man to make him a pair of boots after that pattern. Oh, there’s sweet liberty, there’s balmy, boundless freedom in the marriage state of which sore-heeled and distorted bachelors have no conception.