HUMOUR.

Globe, Volume VII, Issue 725, 16 October 1876, Page 3

HUMOUR.

What tradesman is the easiest to be taken in ?—A greengrocer. A farmer has mowed with the same scythe for thirty-five years, ’tis said, and he expects to use it until he is no mower. A New York paper, describing a boat race, alludes to “the flashing of 10,000 eyes and the plaudits of twice as many fair hands,” What a lot of one-eyed women there must have been at that race ! We dreamed that for two hours we lay awake and listened to a description of a “perfect love of a bonnet,” and how in the world she found so much to say about so small an affair is the puzzle. We could not have so described and discoursed upon the architectural and artistic beauties of St. Peter’s.

The following stage direction is taken from act ii., scene 1, of the acting edition of “The Stranger”:—“Mrs Haller casts her eyes upon the ground, and contends against the confusion of an exalted soul when surprised in a good action, Baron stands oppo • sit e to her, and from time to time casts a glance at her in which his heart is swimming. ” Gentlemen’s pantaloons are made so wide this year that a man when he is aroused by an alarm of fire at midnight, is liable, in his haste and the dark, to get both limbs in one leg, and run all the way to the fire before he discovers that his trousers are only half occupied. Last Sunday it was noticed that exactly twelve of our prominent ministers failed to officiate at their post, and this without due notice in advance. Several of the churches were closed, and at the rest services were conducted by assistants and deputies. The reason for this has just come to light. A wicked and worldly young lady was sufficiently inspired by the enemy of man and religion to write a note to each of these dozen pastors, late on Saturday previous. These missives were all on tinted and perfumed paper, and all written in the big slanting hand peculiar to 999 out of every 1000 ladies in this country. They each contained the ominous line—“ Allis discovered, fly.” Nine of the dozen went out of town on the same ferry boat, and the rest are supposed to be at Los Angeles or Pescadero. At the lower end of Woodward avenue recently an old apple woman offered her fruit to a vessel captain who was sighing over the good times of ISGI. She wanted 3 cents apiece for her apples. He gave her a pleasant look, and said—“ Well, well. Why you look as young as you did ten years ago. Same bright eyes and red cheek, same white teeth. ” “Take an apple for 2 cents, captain,” she replied. “ I presume you are fifty years old,” he continued ; “ but who’d know it ? Lots of ladies at thirty look as old as you do.” “ Take an apple for a cent, captain,” she answered, smiling like a rose. “ Some rich old fellow will come along some day, searching for a buxom wife,” said the captain, “and you won’t have to peddle apples any more. ” “ Here, captain, two for a cent, take two of the biggest! ” she exclaimed, and then ran after him, and dropped two more into his overcoat. A newspaper proprietor advertised recently for “ compositors.” Among the answers he received was the following, which is given verbatim, suppressing only the names, which would indicate the writer—“ I beg to offer myself as a * compositor’ on the topics of the day, especially on naval matters, and as a reviewer of books. An article on the lately sent by me to the ‘ Magazine’ was pronounced by the editor to be ‘ very good. ’ —I remain, sir, your obedient servant, Commander R. N. ” Extract of a letter from Tom Hood : ‘ ‘ Dear Dilke, I burn without getting warm. I wish I were the ham between the two buttered slices of bread, well must.arded —that seems like warmth. But this wind is keen enough to cut sandwiches. I could cry with cold, only I’m afraid of the icicles. I wish that in settling other Eastern questions they had deposed this wind. I confess for two nights past I have wished for a little ‘ warm-with,’ but the only bottle I’m allowed is at my feet, and even then only warm water without. I almost fancy myself a gander sometimes, and web-footed. My stomach is like a house where the washing is done at home —all slop, hot water, and tea. So I stop. I’m so cold and washy, I’m only fit to correspond with a frog. Give my love to all, but you had better mull it.” The other evening (says an American paper) the boys were sitting around Sitzer’s saloon trying to think of some method by which they could get drinks out of the “ old man” without costing them anything, and finally Jack Bradish spoke up, and says he, “Sitzer, I’ll bet you the drinks for all hands that I’ve got more money in my pocket than you have.” Sitzer leaned his head upon his fist and considered the proposition for a long time. Finally he said, “ All richt, I bad you.” “Well now,” said Jake, “ recollect what I said—l bet I’ve got more money in my pocket than you have. Now, have you got any money in my pocket?” “How much is dere in your pocket ? ” inquired the German, “ Seventylive cents,” said Jake. “ Yel, den, I haf got the most money in your pocket—fifty cents of dat ish mine—you owe him to me, and I vauts it! ” Silently Bradish threw the six bits on the counter ; the boys came up, drank, and were just departing through the door, when Sitzer paused from wiping up the counter, and said, “You tink you vas schmard, eh ? I had dat game played on me more as fifty times, and I look me myself out now all de vile ! ” Mr Ruskin is sarcastic on the young lady Sunday school teachers. “At present,” he says, ‘ ‘ you keep the dancing to yourselves, and graciously teach your, scholars the Catechism. Suppose you were to try for a little while learning the Catechism yourselves, and teaching them to dance ?” A foreign bird of song, now in England, graciously consented at an evening party not many weeks ago to make the acquaintance of the accomplished young tenor Mr Shakepeare. He was accordingly introduced. The lady bowed, but, turning to a friend, was heard to whisper, “ But, my dear, I didn’t know he was so young a man !’ He was decidedly a social philosopher who sat on the wharf, fishing, recently, and gave his opinion with regard to the (hard times. He said the trouble was that capital was opposed to labour, and, no matter how anxious a man was to work, capital would make no concessions. He wanted work himself, he said, and once he thought of giving up ; but now his wife was able to take in washing, and he would never yield. _ He intended to say more, but he was obliged to go off to attend a ball match.