LITERATURE.

Globe, Volume VI, Issue 682, 26 August 1876, Page 3

LITERATURE.

FACTS CONCERNING THE RECENT CARNIVAL OF CRIME IN CONNECTICUT. (By Mark Twain.) ( Continued.) ‘ Don’t worry yourself; you haven’t missed a trick that I know of. I never did a thing in all my life, virtuous or otherwise, that I didn’t repent of within twenty-four hours. In church last Sunday I listened to a charity sermon. My first impulse was to give three hundred and fifty dollars; I repented of that and reduced it a hundred; repented of that and reduced it another hundred; repented of that and reduced it another hundred; repented of that and reduced the remaining fifty to twenty five ; repented of that and came down to fifteen; repented of that and dropped to two dollars and a half ; when the plate came around at last, I repented once more and contributed ten cents. Well, when I got home, I did wish to goodnes I had that ten cents back again ! Tou never did let me get through a charity sermon without having something to sweat about.’ ‘ Oh, 1 never shall, I never shall. You always can depend on me.’ * 1 think so. Many and many’s the restless night I’ve wanted to take you by the neck. If I could only get hold of you now !’

‘ Yes, no doubt. But I am not an ass ; lam only the saddle of an ass. But go on, go on. You entertain me more than I liketo confess.’

‘I am glad of that. (You will not mind: my lying a little to keep in practice.) Look here ; not to be too persoual, I think you are about the shabbiest and most contemptible little shrivelled up reptile that can be imagined. I am grateful enough that you are invisible to other people, for I should die with shame to be seen with such a mildewed monkey of a conscience as >you are. Now if you were live or six feet high, and ’

* Ob, come! who is to blame ?’ ‘I don’t know.’ * Why, you are; nobody else. ’ £ Confound you, I wasn’t consulted about your personal appearance.’ ‘ I don’t care, you had a good deal to do with it, nevertheless. When you were eight or nine years old, I was seven feet high and as pretty as a picture.’ * I wish you had died young ? So you have grown the wrong way, have you ? ’ * Some of us grow one way and some the other. You had a large conscience once ; if you’ve a small conscience now, I reckon there are reasons for it. Yon used to be conscientious about a great many things ; morbidly so, I may say. It was a great many years ago. You probably do not remember it now. Well, I took a great, interest in my work, and I so enjoyed the anguish which certain pet sins of yours afflicted you with, that I kept pelting at yon until I rather overdid the matter. You began to rebel. Of course I began to lose ground then, and shrivel a little, —diminish in stature, get mouldy, and grow deformed. The more 1 weakened, the more stubbornly you fastened on to those particular sins; till at last the places on my person that represent those vices became as callous as shark skin. Take smoking, for instance. I played that card a little too long, and I lost. When people plead with you at this late day to quit that vice, that old callous place seems to enlarge and cover me all over like a shirt

qf mail. It exerts a mysterious, smothering effect; and presently, I your faithful hater, your devoted conscience, go sound asleep! Sound ? It is no name for it. I couldn’t hear it thunder at such a time. You have some few other vices—perhaps eighty, or maybe ninety—that affect me in much the same way.’ * This is flattering ; you must be asleep a good part of your time.’ ‘Yes, of late years. I should be asleep all the time, but for the help I get.’ * Who helps yon?’ * Other consciences. Whenever a person whose conscience I am acquainted with tries to plead with you about the vices you are callous to, I get my friend to give him a pang, concerning some villany of his own, and that shuts off his meddling and starts him off to hunt personal consolation. My field of usefulness is about trimmed down to tramps, budding authoresses, and that line of goods, now; but dont you worry—l’ll harry you on them while they last! Just put your trust in me.’ * I think I can. But if you had only been ' good enough to mention these facts some thirty years ago, I should have turned my particular attention to sin, and I think that by this time I should not only have had you pretty permanently asleep on the entire list of human vices, but reduced to the size of a homcepathic pill, at that. That is about the style of conscience I am pining for. If I only had you shrunk down to a homoeopathic pill, and could get my hands on you, would I put you in a glass case for a keepsake ? No, sir, I would give you to a yellow dog ! That is where you ought to be—you and all your tribe. You are not fit to be in society, in mj opinion. Now. another question. Bo you know a good many consciences in this section ? ‘Plenty of them.’ * I would give anything to see some of them! Could you bring them here ? And would they be visible to me ? ’ ‘ Certainly not.’ * I suppose I ought to have known that, without asking. But no matter, you can describe them. Tell me about my neighbour Thompson’s conscience, please.’ * Very well. I know him intimately; have known him many years. I knew him when he was eleven feet high and of a faultless figure. But he is very rusty and tough and misshapen now, and hardly ever interests himself about anything. _As to his present size—well, he sleeps in a cigar-box. ‘ Likely enough. There are few smaller, meaner men in this region than Hugh Thompson. Bo you know Eobinson’s conscience ? ’ ‘ Yes. He is a shade under four and a half feet high; used to be a blonde; is a brunette now, but still shapely and comely.’ * Well, Kobinson is a good fellow. Bo you know Tom Smith’s conscience ? ’ * I have known him from childhood. He Was thirteen inches high, and rather sluggish, when he was two years old—as nearly all of US are at that age. He is thirty-seven feet high now, and the stateliest figure in America. His legs are still racked with growing pains, but he has a good time nevertheless. Never sleeps. He is the most active and energetic member of the New England Conscience Club; is president of it. Night and day you can find him pegging away at Smith, panting with his labour, sleeves rolled up, countenance all alive with enjoyment. He has got his victim splendidly dragooned now. He can make poor Smith imagine that the most innocent little thing he does is an odious sin; and then he lets to work and almost tortures the soul out of him about it.’ f To he continned.~\