LITERATURE.

Globe, Volume IV, Issue 417, 13 October 1875, Page 3

LITERATURE.

SMITH'S STORY. My story is about Smith's wife ; and, mind you, Smith's wife isn't my wife, because I'm a bachelor ; but unless I'm very much mistaken there is another Smith in town—perhaps two. Smith's wife was a little round woman—not fat, but just pleasantly plump ; there was a nice roundness about her eyes, and cheeks, and shoulders, and arms; good full curves to her red lips and pinky shelly ears ; and though you would never have thought of calling her handsome, or even pretty, she was decidedly nice. She was a shrewd little body, too, with plenty of firmness ; and if it had fallen to your lot to have once heard her say ' Oh !' you would never have forgotten it. Now, pray don't imagine that by the word —exclamation, ejaculation—' Oh !' I mean a half-scream or hysterical cry. Nothing of the kind. 'Oh !' with Mrs Smith expressed as much as five minutes of some people's conversation ; for it was accompanied by a look and a curious tightening of the lips, and sometimes meant a very great deal, as Charley Smith, of the Inner Temple, Esquire, veiy well knew. Ah ! he knew it before he had been inariied one month of the twenty-four to which at the time present his matrimonial life had extended. But Smith's wife was no Tartar—nothing of the kind again—but a most agreeable little body, passionately fond of her husband, though somewhat troubled by a bonyness that had commenced making its way into home. It was not a regular skeleton grin ning into a cupboard- Oh, no ; but just an odd loose bone or two, over which she kept stumbling, in consequence of the great truth discovered by Shakspeare, who advised ladies to "sigh no more" because "men were deceivers ever."

'' You won't be late this evening ?" Chai-ley Smith's wife said to her dapper little man one morning, as buttoned up in his frock and overcoat he re-entered the breakfast room for the farewell kiss before leaving Bayswater for the shades off Fleet street.

'Well, no,'he said—'unless there's pressure, my love, and then we mustn't grumble; for pressure means profit, and profit sea side and silk dresses, eh ? There, good bye.' ' But, just a moment, Charley. You will try and be back ?' ' To be sure, he cried ; for with the nice, gentle, appealing, loving look, he could say none other. ' But there —it's just ten.' 1 Yes, dear, I know ; but do try and be back, Charley. Ido so like having you with me of an evening.' And a little, round, plump hand held on by a button hole, and a little, round cheek was laid against Mr Smith's shoulder. ' Yes, yes, yes, yes,' he said rather testily. ' I like coming home; only business pressure, you know.' ' But there's so much pressure, now, Charley.' ' Good sign, my dear ; and—there—l must go.' ' But it presses so hard on me, Charley ; and it seems as if you were tired of coming back home.'

' Why, what stuff, to be sure ! Take your finger out of that button hole, or you'll drag it.' 'I did want you so badly last night, Charley ; and I like you to enjoy yourself, but not always to stop away of an evening.' ' Now, how can you be so unreasonable ? ' ' Mrs Lane camo in last night, and Mr Lane called for her about nine, and they stopped and had tea ; and Mr Lane said he saw you go into the Alhambra.' 'Me ! Alhambra ? Pooh ! absurd ! nonsense ! nonsense ! mistake altogether. But there, I must go.' 'Oh !' said Mrs Smith ; and as her lord hurried away, that tightening of her lips was visible, and the little woman looked dull and sad as she heard the door close.

Smith did not get back to dinner that night, nor yet to tea; in fact, it was halfpast one when he returned home in a cab, smelling very strongly of tabacco —probably the weed consumed as a sedative while some abstruse brief was studied. But Mrs Smith said nothing, not even the next morning, when her husband's head ached badly beyond the power of concealment. Ail she

did was to make the tea a spoonful stronger, and wait in hopes of a little frankness upon hur husband's part.

But she waited in vain, for Smith had promised to give up bachelor life and friends ; but only to have a very severe relapse, brought on by his weakness in never being able to say ' No ?' ' Did you ses brother William last night ?' said Smith's wife, one morning after had been detained by pressure at his chambers. ' William ! No. Did he call on me ?'

' No,' said Mrs Smith, quietly; •he said he went into Evan's for a chop, and you were with a couple of friends half-way up the room.' ' Now, really,' exclaimed Smith, ' this is a deal too bad. What did I tell you when I came home last night ?' ' When you came home this morning.' ' Well, morning if you like. I call it all night while it's dark. Didn't I tell you I was busy at my chambers ?' ' Yes, dear,' said Mrs Smith. 1 Then how could it be me at Evan's ? It's a mistake altogether, as I've told you before. It must have been that fellow from Gray's Inn he saw—Stubbles, I think his name is. Good deal like me—mocks me in dress, too. Been mistaken for me, and I've had lawyers' clerks addressing me for him half a score of times. Kesemblance is wonderful when we have on our wigs and gowns.' ' I don't think I should be deceived,' said Smith's wife, quietly. ' You, my dear—pooh ! No, of course not. Not likely,' said Mr Smith, as he reached the door ; but he turned for an instant as his wife gave utterance to her favorite ejaculation—- ' Oh !' For the next two or three weeks Smith's wife looked very quiet and serious ; those little rounded lips of hers were pressed together until they appeared quite thin; and then there came a morning when she sat over her breakfast reading a cutting from the Times of the previous day, which some anonymous friend had clipped out, enclosed in an envelope, and directed to her. ' Who's your letter from ?' said Smith, suddenly. ' I don't know,' was the quiet reply. ' Don't know ? Why, what's that bit of printed paper V ' It's a piece of police news, and the account of one Harry Stubbles, whose name was afterwards found to be Charles Smith, of the Temple, being drunk and riotous, and assaulting the police.' ' Good gracious !' ejaculated Smith. 'But I won't stand it. Now, isn't it too bad ? But I'll have an action against him.' ' Against whom ?' said Smith's wife, quietly.' 'Against whom? Why, Stubbleß. To add to all the other annoyance he has given me by taking my name ! But, thank goodness, there is law in the land—the scoundrel!'

' But you did not come home the night before last, Charley.' ' Come home ! No ; how could I, pressed as lam just now ? But I believe next that you will really think I am the man meant for there,' he added in injured tones. ' Such abominable falsehoods when I was detained as I was, and glad to get a nap on a sofa.' 'Oh !' said Mrs Smith, quietly ; and no more was said.

Half an hour after, looking exceedingly blank, the master of the house took his departure. A week elapsed, and there came an evening when a couple of friends dropped in at Smith's chambers to announce that Tompkins gave his ' call' supper that night, and they brought an invitation. ' Can't go, indeed,' said Smith. 'lhaven't spent an evening at home this week.' ' Never mind,' said one, ' what does that matter ? Stop at home every night next week to make up for it.' ' Really, rather not,' said Smith. ' But, Tompkins, you know ; such a good sort of fellow,' said the other.

' Good, indeed !' said Smith fiercely, as he blew out his cheeks—' ran off like a cur that night of the row, and left me in the lurch.'

' Well, really,' said the first speaker, ' 1 think we were rather shabby to you that night; but we showed up well next morning ' ' Yes, and one of you let out my name to the police.' ' Ah, that was that noodle Duffley ; we could not foresee that.' 'Nice mess it made,' said Smith, who seemed very sore upon the point. ' Some one, too, was kind enough to send my wife the police report—a beast !' ' How did you get out of it, Sniffy ?' ' Said it was some one else exactly like me,' said Smith, with a grin at his own astuteness. • But would Mrs Smith believe that V ' Yes, of course,' said Smith. And, yielding to a little more pressure, he accompanied his friend to Tompkins's, where Prosser his oysters, Guiness his stout, and the whiskey of Kinahan tended to what was on all hands declared to be the j oiliest evening ever spent. There was great disgust evinced, though, when, about 11 o'clock, Smith rose, made a short speech of thicklyuttered words, all joined together, and then, in spite of all remonstrance, went rather unsteadily out on the landing, closed the door lettered ' Mr Tompkins,' stood listening for a few moments to the singing of the chorus, and lastly put on his hat very far back over his ears, smiled, and gave it a tilt forward over his eyes, when it fell with an echoing bang upon the floor, causing its owner the most thorough satisfaction, for he stood and laughed at it heartily for a few seconds, before making a dab at it, and nearly overbalancing himself ; but the balustrade offering him something to hold on by, he recovered his hat, and then himself, and contrived to reach the bottom of the stone stairs in safety. The porter winked to himself as he saw Smith walk in an intensely straight line out into Fleet street, and the hansom cabby who drove him to the Metropolitan station, in Parringdon street, charged him half-a-crown, which was paid without a word ; and then Smith, as if by instinct, made his way down, took his place in a carriage, went fast asleep, woke up at his own station, and then walked straighter than ever to Bolingbroke road, telling himself four times over that he was ' all right;' and then, as if in doubt of the assertion, repeating it again. He was perfectly sober—perfectly—he asserted as well, and fit for the company of any lady in the land; and this assertion made, he stood still, looked up at a lamp, and laughed at it heartily. ' Double burners grea' 'mprovement,' said Smith, as he went on, but only to stop at the next lamp-post,

' Like me to see yon home, sir f said a policeman who had been following him for the last few minutes, fortunately for Smith ; two heavy-looking men also having had their by no means pleasing eyes upon him. ' You're imp'dent scoundrel! Take your number and report you to-morrow,' said Smith, thickly. 'No won't; you're jolly good fler, and heresh shick-pence—drink my healh.' ' Thanky, sir,' said the policeman, pocketing half a sovereign ; and then walking a short distance behind its donor, he saw him safely to the door of his abode, where Smith rang, holding on by the bell handle. live minutes passed, and he rang again, when the kitchen window was opened, and a voice ascended the area to cry — 1 What is it V ' Open door, Sarah,' said Smith, thickly. _ • Who are you ? What do you want?' said the same voice. 'lt's me, Sarah —master,' said Smith, shaking his head to get rid of a misty sensation. « Get alongwith you, or I'll call the police, was the response. The window was shut, and Smith stood staring. * Come wrong house,' he said; and stepping back, he caught sight of two stronglymarked shadows upon the drawing room blind, evidently those of a lady and gentleman, the lady's head resting upon the gentleman's shoulder.

'Had one glass more than I ought,'said Smith. ' Just one. Stupid to come to wrong door.'

Then, watched by the policeman, he went to the next door, stared at the number there, and then stepped back to encounter the policeman once more face to face. • Which's Number 9, pleeceman ?' he said.

'That's it, sir,' said the man, pointing to the house with the shadows on the blind. ' Course it is,' said Smith, smiling more than ever, and as if he had just made a great discovery. 'Ring again.' He walked up, staring very hard at the shadows, and then stopped short. ' Who th' doosh is that ?' he said.

And then he shook his head and walked close up to the door, and this time the bell rang violently. The kitchen window was opened on the instant. ' Who's there V 'Me—master,' said Smith. 'Why don't sh' come and open the door ?' 'lf you don't go away this minute, I'll call for the police,' cried the voice, angrilly. 'Master's been home these four hours, and is up in the drawing room with missus.' ' Say ?' said Smith, ' Whosh yer master ?' ' Why, Mr Smith, of course, you nasty, drunken fellow ; and now go away directly, or he'll hear you.' Smith started back a few paces and gazed up again at the window, just as the blind was pushed aside for a moment, and some one looked out. Then the shadows were seen strongly again upon the blind; the lady's arm was raised and laid affectionately on the shoulder of the gentleman, and face met face in a loving kiss. It was only a short one, but it had the power of endless bottles of sodawater on Smith. He was sober in an instant, and dashed back to the bell; but before he could pull it, the voice came up the area—- ' Am I to call the police to you ?' 'Here, Sarah, open the door,' cried Sarah. ' Don't I tell you master's upstairs ? I'll call him directly if you don't leave the bell alone.'

' No —no, don't. Here, let me in—quick. I tell you it is me —your master.' ' And 1 tell you that master's upstairs, and he'll call the police to you directly, if you don't go.' 'But, Sarah, here,' cried Smith, softly: 'it is me, indeed—l am Mr Smith, your master ; look at me.' 'Well, you do look like him, certainly,' said Sarah, peering up, for the lamp shone strongly on his figure. ' But you aint him. I know "who you are —you're that nasty wretch that's always been took for him, and as made missis so uncomfortable ; and she told me about it. It's my belief, if your name's Smith too, as you say it is, that you're twins, and don't know it; but you don't live here, so I tell you.' 'But, Sarah,' cried Smith, who just then heard a bell ring. ' There !' cried Sarah, ' that's them ringing a candle, they're going to bed; so now be off while your shoes are good.' The window was shut with a bang, the fastening snapped loudly, and, staggering back, Smith stood for a few moments gasping for breath, and staring at the blind from which the shadows were now gone. What did it mean ? Had he conjured up a fac-simile of himself, or was there really his exact likeness in existence, as he had told his wife; and was she really deceived ? The thought was maddening. What had he done—what should he do ? Shut out of his own house another there confusion—lunacy ! He dashed to the door, tore at the bell madly till a light danced in the fanlight, and the catch was drawn back, when, without stopping to see who opened, he flew along the passage and up four stairs at a time to where, candle in hand, stood his wife. * What is this ?' she exclaimed.

' What is this 1' he roared. ' Stand aside, woman!' And he thrust her against the wall, to dash furiously up to the drawingroom door, which opened as he reached it, and a man confronted him, at whom he hurled himself madly ; but only to have his arms pinned to his side, 'Do you often come home like this, Charley ?' fell upon his ears. 'What, you, Will?' cried Smith, gazing in his brother-in-law's face, and then turning to see his wife upon the stairs, holding her handkerchief to her mouth.

' Let's go down to supper, late as it is,' she said, recovering herself. 'Go on first, Will.'

And her brother, wondering and staring from husband to wife, obeyed her command. ' What—where the— where's that woman Sarah ?' gasped Smith. ' Hush, dear,' said his wife, leaning upon his arm, as he gazed upon her mirthful face —' did you ever hear about the man being hoist with his own petard ?' There are times when it may be wise to fly in a passion, and there are times when it is wise to bear in silence ; and somehow or other Smith seemed to think that this was a time for the latter. He had been duped he knew, but his conscience told him it was deserved, and he only whispered a sentence or two as his wife and he went down.

'Does Will know?' ' Nothing. I asked him here to-night, as I have done for many nights past.' * And that wretch of a woman V

' She only did as she was told,' said Smith's wife ; ' and after twenty years in our family I think she can be trusted.' ' But ' ' Are you people coming to supper ?' shouted a voice from the dining-room ; and late as it was, a pleasant meal ensued. What more passed between husband and wife this chronicler knoweth not; but he can declare that Smith disappeared from bachelor parties in the Temple precincts ; and also that if there is a happy, round, pleasant-looking little woman in the neighbourhood of Bayswater, it is Smith's wife.