LYTTELTON LEGENDS, No. 9.

Globe, Volume IV, Issue 371, 20 August 1875, Page 2

LYTTELTON LEGENDS, No. 9.

THE LATE EIRE. Of course everybody knows how hard the Fire Brigade worked when the Mitre was burned, and how the lower part of the town might, would, could, or should have been all burned only for their exertions. All honour to the brave, say we, when it costs nothing. But it has oozed out that most of the men (they are nothing but common cattle, mind you) had their boots burnt to death that night, and a good few had their clothes rent in a very literal manner, not to mention next day’s loss of time, which is the same as money, it appears, to those horrid sorts of people ; and it is funny that while any one outside the Brigade who didn’t get too drunk to report himself, could call at the office and get paid for whatever work he did, the Brigade, men only got a lot more honour ! ! ! Nicodemus saw how it was, and put a subscription list round at once, and now begs to state that up to the time of writing, the donanations of property-holders in the town, added to the allowance regularly given by the insurance agents during the two and a-half years of the Brigade’s efficient existence amount to the round sum of £OOO 0s Od, omitting fractions. Hooray 1 Now, here is an opening for some publicspirited man to put his hand in his pocket, and give others an opportunity of doing the same. It is true, the last man who tried that game in the Brigade’s interests got hooted off the stage for his pains, when the discerning public saw they had got all out of him that they wanted, for of course the practical business sense of the public naturally despises the fool who parts with anything, unless he sees his way clear to a return in glory or profit, or both if possible. Only my good public, if we are to have two or three more fires originate themselves on insufficient evidence (i wonder what more they wanted), it might be worth your while to encourage the brigade for your own sakes if not for theirs. WINTER READINGS. The arragements for to-night’s entertainment are very complete I believe, for Little and Mair have done the maist they can to make it a success. In the first place care will be taken not to confront the audience with an offensive object all the time, and some unwonted speakists and A 1 pianoforters and extra strong pianofortesses* have been captured for the occasion. *N.B.—Mind that big word is my own, and not yours Councillor Grange ; so don’t let me catch you using it. Young Nicodemus has been in training lately for the next prize recitations ; he’s been going for a spoutation called the “Battle of the Baltic.” I daresay you never heard it. Goodness knows I have lately ; there’s something in the style of it. Of Harry in the Hall Sing the evening of renown, When a row was made by all The riff-raff of the town. With yelling, stamping, whistle, squeak, and groan; In the presence, too, of ladies. Such a vulgar noise they made as I expect to find in Hades, Going on. The folks at best aint saints, But a deal they had endured,

And they felt that some complaints Must by desperate means be cured, So they listen’d not to reason nor to rhyme. Until some one had to edge Looking not uncommon sage. After standing on the stage For a time. Outspoke the chairman then Looking nine ways for his wits, “ You’re a set of vulgar men, “ But I shall give you fits, “To ME and other gentlemen you’re debtors ; “ I forbid you here, to meet, “ Nor allow another treat “ Till you humbly kiss the feet Of your betters. ” Blest Esculapian chief, That gave our wounds repose, Don’t let us come to grief, Don’t let the readings close, You’ll get lots of willing helpers, I daresay ; And ladies, pure and bright, Need fear no stain or slight, Since the troubles out of sight Fled away. Boffin, come let’s make a raise, On the fortunes of to-night, In the well-frequented ways Where Burrell’s face shines bright, Let us drink the health of those Who to our rescue rose With their music, rhyme, and prose, Done so well.

R, M. C. Constable Watts, I am delighted with you, and what a pleasure it is to know that you can indulge in a saveloy and hot potato like any other Christian policeman, more especially when they are provided for you on the cheap. Nicodemus wishes to record that you enjoyed both the vegetable and the animal vittals like any other epicure, without flinching, on the principle, I presume, that you are a philosopher, and therefore acquainted with the saying, viz, “the most delicate, the most sensible of all pleasures, consists in promoting the pleasures of others,” for there can be no doubt but you were promoting Saunders’ pleasure when you were worrying through his supper. But there is one thing, Constable Watt, I am very much cut up about, and that is you did not mention whether the sergeant had a saveloy and murphy like yourself, or whether he preferred that old and time honoured feed, a pig’s trotter instead. I think he must have had a pig’s trotter, for being a countryman of my own he could accurately determine when and where to apply the Power, when to ease up, and on which end to operate first, so that the trotter could have proper despatch. If you can find as much time constable as to let me know you will be conferring a great good on a man, who is trying to catch as clear a glimpse of truth as ever a man did. abolition. And so the provinces are to be abolished are they ? with one grand head centre in Cook’s Straits, where all our grievances are to be redressed. Men, they say, are to steer the ship, who have heads with ideas in them of wholesome variety, and sufficient quantity to carry her through the Narrows, clear of all obstructions, and anchor her safely at last. I hope they will pay us a visit, for there are various things I should like to give evidence on in our little community, which want abolishing. Cart loads of little Lams that can only be abolished with the bald head of a broom. In the first place, the laws regulating the Colonists’ Society want looking to, but they are to be re-written on Saturday by a person of the name of Boffin —if he has time, or if he has not abolished himself previously. I hear that the cart which does duty at the witching time of night is not to be abolished ; it is to be placed a little nearer to the town, so that lovers of the romantic can revel in the natural and the beautiful. One of our very best students of physiology in our Borough Hotel de Ville moved and carried that resolution, and may his trade increase. Poets are not to be abolished, even although they do write a mass of stuff commemorating events of daily occurrence, and of no consequence to anybody but themselves. That very useful institution too, the lamp post, is not to be abolished, but the number is to be increased in consideration of the new light called gas being introduced into our midst. This will greatly assist councillors and ex-councillors, and enable them to walk with more ease and grace, and not feel as if they were eternally bumping their heads at space, and seeing double lights where no lights ever were but the lights of their own understanding. Those lights in some cases might just as well be like the scriptural ones we read about, hid under a bushel for all the good they are. The filth which has been accumulating for the past twelve months is not to be abolished, it is to be allowed to remain there. Typhoid is nothing. Pay off the workmen—me don’t want free air or a clear atmosphere. Cleanliness and health are secondary considerations in comparison with paying off a few pounds of overdraft. Contagion, and the products of animal and vegetable decomposition, is what we wish to revel in—No abolition 1 is the watch word. The filth is to remain where it is as long as the general management is conducted by those necessary nuisuances who have been sent among us for some wise purpose like the measles. The Mitre has been abolished without any enactment of the General Assembly of New Zealand. Some people say that the sultry end of a candle caught the curtain, or the curtain caught the sultry end of the candle ; but that is a matter of no importance. Gold and silver watches were lost there by the dozen ; money boxes with hundreds of pounds in gold, notes, and cheques were destroyed. I hear that the cheques are stopped at the bank I mean those that were carried away by the smoke. Bank of England notes, the first ever seen in these parts, were devoured by the bundle—and any quantity of jewellery, which no subscription list could ever replace—all—all have been abolished by that devouring element, Fire. The thought of such an occurrence makes me sing one of Sankey’s hymns, or somebody’s elses, commencing with “ It’s an ill wind that blows nobody good.” That well at the Borough School wants abolishing, notwithstanding the ornamental windlass, but how that is to be accomplished is a matter of very grave thought to every one of the parents who have off-spring running around in pursuit of knowledge. Under such a difficulty some abolitionists say “ Fill up the trap,” others, “ Put a pump there.” There are several other things 1 should like to touch on, but as I am going to join the Dramatic Society 1 have to read up some ancient plays in my possession, to give the members a taste of my dramatic powers. So no more on this subject at present. Wanted —Travellers to know that a light house will be erected between Monkey town and the bathing shed, so that travellers may avoid going over head and ears in the mud at that point near Cameron’s fence ; and that by keeping the port side, with the light well open, they can worry through about knee deep. Wanted Known —That the ballast monopoly is broken up, the blue boat has arrived from Church Bay, the Cap reports things tight. Wanted Known —That the distribution of gas is a reality, smoke was seen coming out of the new chimney | Wanted — Councillors Jones and Raphael to know that we don’t want them in Lyttelton, the house is not finished yet. Wanted Known —That the tail-end light of a locomotive will be iexhibited between Grubb’s and Hargreaves’, to search for the lost boots in the mud, after this date. Wanted Known —That the new steamlaunch, The Baron, Captain Chilman, which was tc have arrove this some time, has now arriven. The captain reports the oyster trade to be dull, other trades as usual. Wanted Known —That the self-elected policeman has not dropped upon any more new arrivals with six inches of Lome whisky concealed about their persons,

Wanted Known —That the fight between the two females has never been printed, and never will, if I can help it. Wanted— Wally to know that it is not good enough. Wanted —Little to know less. Cannibalism. —Yes, it is true poor “ Dick ” was swallowed by a Maori a short time since, much to the regret of many in Port; for, spite of all his failings, Richard Canterbury was a jolly good-hearted fellow. NICODEMUS.