LYTTELTON LEGENDS, No. 3.

Globe, Volume IV, Issue 335, 9 July 1875, Page 2

LYTTELTON LEGENDS, No. 3.

CREAM OP THE COUNCIL. The Council didn’t have a row this time ; in fact it is easier to tell what they didn’t do than what they did. His Worship didn’t allude to that unlucky affair about the Burgess Roll, and didn’t state if he rectified the blunder in the lawful way or not. Or Chalmers didn’t upset the Corporation Act, but I’ll be blanked if he isn’t going to. Cr Hawkins didn’t propose anything fresh about gas. Cr Graham didn’t report that a party had been summoned [for breaking the Council’s regulations. Cr Buist didn’t attract much attention. Cr Murray didn’t—no, upon my word he didn’t, not this time. Cr Young didn’t fail to put in an appearance. Cr Kenner didn’t raise his voice in the Council, and Cr Grange didn’t fail to be down on him for non-attendance. I had a fuller report than this, but it is blotted to illegibility by the tears I shed when they declared the old man’s seat vacant. Poor old John I how are the mighty fallen I No more, as Cr Grange said, shall thy voice be heard; no more shall that intellectual megatherium be surpassed in his own line ; no more, in the heat of thine eloquence shalt thou be offensive. No more, alas, no more. NOTICES OP MOTION. Cr William to move—“ The usual weekly vote of confidence in the Works Committee.” Cr Thomas to move—“ That a return be laid on the table of all moneys past, present, and for all time coming, that might, could, would, or should, have been frittered away.” Cr Billy to move—“ That more broken bottles be mixed with the road metal in future. ” Or Harvey to move —“ The next new dodge.” Cr Adam to move—“ That the milkmen be in invited to reveal the secret of the water supply.” Cr Guillaume to move—“ That a baker’s rate be struck of sixteen ounces to the pound.” , , iV,7 j > r Cr George to move—“ That some one shouts ; don’t you think that will be best.” The Institute is thriving under my auspices, I am glad to announce a lecture on “ Recollections of My Failure in Paris,” by the Beseiged Resident; to be followed by Expectations of Promotion in Lyttelton,” by the Unsettled Settler. - - LONDON STREET. - *,., * ( I . * * • . •' J , iI c - • * I have seen the channel that Mac Cleaver dredged in London street to let the clipper craft get across to purchase the new stunsails (and. they are stunning sails, I tell you). By careful measurement of the fairway, I should say that the yacht’s breadth of beam was about five feet six inches, displacement (of mud) [pretty considerable. I wish Mac would dredge a passage for her in that puddle at the Mitre. THE GOOD POLICEMAN. When ere I wander down the street, A lot of wicked men I meet, Who often bend_their weary feet; Towards public houses ! And others do at billiards play, And throw their precious time away, Instead of making n oney,’say ; At shop or office. Then there are those, whose eyes do gloat Whenever they see a petticoat, And spend full many a hard-earned Note : On ladies ! But one, the hero of my song, Has never yet done ought that’s wrong, Love, wine, and billiards, all he’s strong Against, is my Policeman ! To heaven he certainly is nigher Than most of us, his thoughts are higher. His name is Sergeant J. M— e. And he’s the good Policeman ! AN ELECTION ADDRESS. In the absence of John, who has left his seat to,take care of itself, and as several of the ratepayers are now labouring under difficulties for the want of a gentleman to represent their peculiar views, I beg leave to offer myself as a candidate, if Boffin does not consider that gratuitous interference and impertinenoe on my part. At the earnest solicitation of nobody, but animated by a sincere desire to give the ratepaying community of Lyttelton an opportunity to select from the very best material at command, I have determined to have my name put upon the list of amateur politicians. Municipal government has been my peculiar forte since childhood, having learned to stop up drains while manufacturing mud pies, more especially if the drains in question had a junction running at right angles with the street where those mud pies aforesaid were constructed, something similar to the drain opposite Matheson’s Agency, which has been constructed to carry off all the surface water, but having a right angle in its course can barely carry off what generally emanates or comes from a onehorse stable. Therefore the ratepayers and railway travellers have to take soundings with their boots to arrive at the proper depth of the mud and water right across the roadway. This I could easily remedy by voting sufficient money to purchase scrapers, and make the works committee handle that which Providence originally intended they should do. To enumerate to you all my various qualifications would take up too much time and space for an election address, but I may say that I was born of poor but dishonest parents some forty years ago, and I have inherited a full share of their honesty and poverty up to the present day. If required I can sit and keep quiet, like Guliemus, or get up and mutter something foreign to the subject under discussion, like the aforesaid, or I can accommodate the ratepayers by opening my mouth and barking or getting barked at. I can likewise take my place on any of the committees, whether of a moral, physical or financial character. Morally speaking, I can always give good advice to any ratepayer and will be prepared like several of your present Councillors, to take a drink with any ratepayer if the ratepayer pays for it, or financially speaking, I will borrow the money from him and pay for it myself if considered requisite. There are a few other questions but of no material interest to the ratepayers, such

a water supply for domestic use, or fire preventing purposes j but I think that that that can easily be leit to the united wisdom of the Hydrostatic Minnehaha . In conclusion, I will show my figure, and explain to you anything you may wish explained at a future date, and that I shall succeed I have no doubt; at least if I don’t I wish to die in the struggle. 1.0.G.T. Alas! alas! all you poor publicans lie down and weep, for your doom is sealed, so far as the vending of spirituous liquors is concerned. One Hundred and Twenty persons of both sexes have joined the Rainbow Lodge of Good Templars with the firm determination to stamp out that curse of society, drinking, from among themselves and likewise from the Christian community. No more are all you Epicures to indulge in your brandy cock tails in the morning, your British beer at dinner time, or in that time honoured custom, your Doch-an-Doras at night. No more shall some of those spunging soakers, |who |have joined the order, loaf around bar rooms, ready at any time to do the meanest things for the privilege of putting their heads into a pint pot, and then emptying the same. No more. 0 ! never, never more ! shall those particular friends who are afflicted with chronic impecuniosity, waylay you at street comers to borrow the original halfcrown, simply because they came out in a hurry, and left their purses on the piano. You pass that 2g fid, feelingly, taking a last fond look at the coin, for the last time on earth. No more shall be witnessed in Lyttelton those swarms of ill-clad , ill-fed , shoeless urchins running for the original pint of gin, when father has gone to work, and then trudging home over muddy streets with that Death’s Head rolled up under a ragged pinafore. No more shall such scenes as these be witnessed. Sister Mary has joined the Order, and has the hieroglyphics attached to her name. No more shall that piously inclined portion of the community ask to have their rates forgone on account of sickness in family. 1.0.G.T. is the rule, not the exception. That the Millenium is close at hand no one will doubt who has any observation in his composition, and who has studied the characters ' of those dear Brothers who have lately joined the Order, men who would have but a week ago sold anything for a smell of the Enemy. I wish them success in their great undertaking, and that Providence may watch over their feeble hands and feeble minds, and save them from again touching their favourite beverage. Although I must say that Providence has not produced very many striking examples among the brothers at present. But that some burning and shining lights will shortly appear among the Sisterhood and Brotherhood, no one can doubt, for there has now gone forth a progress so steady , a growth so wonderful, a reality so important, that it has become worth while for Nicodemus to study it. A TALE OP THE SEA. It was a merrie companie Set sail upon the wave, To meet the good ship Lanarkshire And her crew and captain brave. ; They sailed away in the dear Gazelle, With B n at the helm ; And a noble, noble wake he made In Neptune’s briny realm. The only store they had on board, Was a bottle of Eau de vie, Which the gallant C 1 handed round; But ’twas quaffed full merrily. But when they came ’longside the ship, They stood full sore amazed, At the score of shadows that lined the deck, And silently on them gazed. *• Oh, what is the matter ” the doctor cried, “ Oh, what is the matter,” said he, That glum and silent thus you stand, And gaze upon the sea. Then there arose an angry wail From the shadows every one, “No drop of grog, no drop of ale, Have we tasted for many a sun.” “And the candles are done,Jand the suet and spuds, And the flour is bad and coarse, And all we have had to eat for weeks, Is a bit of the saltest horse !” ’Twas sad to see how the faces fell On board the dear Gazelle, ( For they’d hoped the Lanarkshire’s grog to r i drink, And her grub to eat as well! And they knew that their dinner-time would pass, E’re they could reach the shore, And they vented their wrath on the Lanarkshire In many a muttered roar. It was nearly eight when the dear Gazelle Reached Lyttelton once again, And a joyous shout from the crew rang out, For they knew they were near a drain. How they eat their grub and drank their grog Is not for me to tell, But from what I know of the gallant crew, They did it remarkably well, boffin’s churchman. Yes, old man, to some extent you are right, and Nicodemus agrees with you. Pew rents, bazaars, and subscriptions, are public nuisances, and should be put down, especially the first-named. In religion, as in some other matters, paying does away with the poetry of the thing. For instance, when a parishioner of Bowwowwowski, in Kamschatska, Nicodemus had, metaphorically speaking, jumped one of the best claims in the church of that parish, on the strength of a promise to contribute an indefinite something toward the stipend of the priest. Three-pence a fortnight maintained the conditions of the compact, and fully satisfied the conscience of the occupier; but after a year or two of peace, in an evil hour, a new Varden arose, in whose soul poetry or sentinent had no place, and by whose malignant influence Nicodemus was ignominiously compelled, as an alternative to the alas ! impossible one of paying, to take up his books aid walk. But once more, my friend, you re right; it is a serious matter that this took should, as you say, be left without a jaator. Happy thought. Why don’t you >ccupy those many hours at your disposal remembering what Dr Watts says about Ule hands) in going in for orders? don’t mean commercially, as pcr-

1 haps that might hardly wash, but clerically? The great departed novelist demonstrated how Mr Casby lived for years and years in the odour of benevolence of the highest stamp, on the strength of a broadj brimmed hat, silvery locks, and a bright, bumpy forehead, and who shall say but that the venerable personnel of Boffin’s churchman, aided by soap and water, buffalo horn, and hogs bristles, may not in time promote him to be one of the dignitaries of the church, with power to sit upon and snub into their proper place, refractory parochial nominators. Notice—Will shortly appear portraits of distinguished residents. NICODEMUS. P.S.—The greatest excitement prevails in Lyttelton. Ex Or Koles has returned, and is treating the councillors at the Mitre ! ! !