LYTTELTON LEGENDS, No. 2.

Globe, Volume IV, Issue 329, 2 July 1875, Page 2

LYTTELTON LEGENDS, No. 2.

♦ COUNCIL ESSENCE. A new reporter lias just attached himself to our paper; we have not become attached to him, and don’t expect to. We sent him to Byggelton to make a beginning ; here’s his producks ; The Council met as usual, and having kicked up Joey’s dog so severely aa tu shake out a sufficiency of fleas to warm the apartment, the minutes were read and pretty near confirmed, when Or William rose to call attention to the reports in the Times. It was well known he did not always mean what he said, but the reporter reported what he said, and sometimes didn’t. This was the nineteenth time he had complained of this treatment; he would revert to it just once more, which would make twenty ; after that, he wouldn’t state exactly what he would do, in fact he couldn’t do anything, but he would certainly do it. His Worship said the question was the correctness of the minutes. Jr Gulielmus begged leave to say a few words, “ yur Wurship he moved that Joey be permitted to apologise. Joey said he didn’t want permission, Cr Adam wished to remark that they could not expect much of the reporters, who were a dull lot, having failed to see the point of most of his jokes, and left them out in the reports. His Worship ruled that councillors who cracked jokes ought to produce their own, reports. Minutes confirmed. A letter was read from the Hydrostatic Engineer, stating that he had taken advantage of the present reduced price of Buns to entertain a galaxy of intellect that evening; he trusted they would accept this subterfuge from their engineer. Leave of absence granted, with thanks. Messrs Nosey and Oo.’s account for spike nails was passed for payment. Cr Thomas said he objected to this, except on condition that Messrs N. drew the nails and took them back when the Council had done with them. Cr Culielmus said—“ Beg to say few words, yur Wurship. The honorable member is entoirely out of order. Or Thomas continued —“ I contend that it is according to all precedent for me to be out of order. While I am on my legs, mark ye, I have no wish to procrastinate the remuneration of the individuals, but I must demonstrate for all time coming my approximation to the transcendentness of the importantness of the most rigid scrutiny.” Money was being frittered away, and he would prove it. He would swear to this by Bob Boyd, or Double-Bob Boyd, or any other Bob. Breathing-pause. Cr George, ad interim —“ But d—d—don’t you think, doctor, that—that—that we had better pay the men, and be done with it ?” Cr Gulielmus said—“Yur Wurship, Cr George is entirely—umph—never mind—all right —yur Wurship is quite right.” His Worship was afraid Cr Gulielmus did not exactly gather the purport of the discussion. The matter was disposed of, he thought. About here we were overtaken by nature’s sweet restorer —balmy sleep ; but on awaking, Joey said nothing much had been going on. Cr Kolrige moved the order of the day. Cr Billy begged to second the motion, His Worship thought the business was so important they had better adjourn it. He regretted that he had a pressing engage' ment, I

The rough notes having been smoothed down and read, the Council adjourned to Steve’s by a circuitous route, to get clear of the member who habitually forgets his purse on the piano. Cr Gulielmus pathetically insisting all the time that he had got the key of the place down below, you know. ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. “Bridle Track.”—l like your question, because you have put it in plain Saxon English, and that gives me confidence to answer it. No, sir ; I was not one of the party. I had not enough style about me ! a vulgar flourish only takes with the lower order. I should have required, like the host, to have certain words indissolubly wedded to certain things upon that and every other occasion. In fact no one was admitted to the levee who had not studied imitation, and had likewise a hold on natural and discursive manner ; a ferlility of invention to understand about all that intellectual automaton spoke about. But I might say that I was acquainted with one gent who proposed a health at the levee, and in drinking that one—and one or two more—his own got injured. It was merely a characteristic eccentricity of the creature. However, he made for the door, with rather more than he had capacity to carry, and with a succession of far-fetched speculations, regarding the way extremes met, found himself, instead of on the highway, lying on the down-side of the embankment, with his face covered with mud, as if he had been indulging in a cup of molasses in a hux-ry. Would it be credited that this is the gentleman who finds fault with an entire community and their ways once a w r eek. KOLES. Speculation is rather rife as to John’s whereabouts, and why he has not been in his place in the Council of nine, lately. It was hinted at first that he had been sent as a deg putation to the conference to give his great experience in Wesleyan ecclesiastical law, but that was a mistake, and could only have originated in the minds of some of his traducers. The fact is, John is like the blind man, he shows a prodigious sagacity in hearing and feeling objects at a distance. The sexton would not let him have his own way, and that sharpened his active perceptions, while at the same time it deadened his passive ones. Experience has made him wise, as it does every one who becomes rich for want of ideas. lam not absolutely blind to his good points. Ok !, no, although it ia one of those peculiar hardships which genius labours under, to be recognised all at once. But John wanted his own way, would have his own way, and nothing but his own way, and that would not mash. He had to contend with the prejudices of grave-diggers, doctors, milkmen, and merchants who knew nothing, and understood nothing, about either roads, culverts, or drains, and yet they made him the jest of fools and byeword of ignorace and malice. I expect they were right; but a new era is at hand, for the Ethiopean cannot change his skin, nor yet the leopard his spots. BEGGING WATERMEN. The begging mania has set it again in full force, and for a small community I might recommend to those in need to employ a Lyttelton man to beg for them. They will beg all day, ,and then get up in the dead waste and middle of the night and beg again. If a man has got a child down with the measles, his friend does the round of symphony, asking for alms for a man who often happens to be better off than you are yourself. Then we have got all the chmrchbeggars. Beggars begging for the heathen ; so that they can find money to purchase blankets for the Catspam Indians; while their own families are all but starving* walking about with scarcely enough upon their bodies, in the clothes line, to dust a violin. Then come the members of the Benevolent Society—a society which sits in solemn con clave once a week to supply stores to some people who can find money enough to pay on an average £lO a year to the police court. The last idea in the begging line, although I think it is not the last we shall hear about it, is that the watermen’s boats got smashed with the late gale, and of course a subscription must be set on foot to mend the boats of those poor hard-working men. Two of their number got sufficient, and stuck to the sufficient, although the donors, while giving, thought it was for the entire lot who had their boats smashed. Thus a number of watermen were left to get their boats mended in any way they liked. It was not a very honest trick; but as this is the first time that a waterman has done a shady action, I thought it right to chronicle it, at the same time hoping that these selfish men will give a portion of what they lifted from the public to their brothers in trade. RAILS. How about the petition re the railway station? Bomfree and Sonhud have been, soliciting signatures all the week, and have both got a fair lot. Why shouldn’t they ? Most people in Lyttelton do not care a rap it the station were in Manchester or Colombo street, or in the middle of Cathedral square, but lots of signists were to be had cheap, and signed hath papers, under the strict understanding that they did not render themselves liable for any cash. P.S.—We do wish that somebody would have that nasty piece of footpath between the Mitre and Bank of New Zealand asphalted—it wets Nicodemus’ boots. THE BOYS. Yes, it is quite right that those youths should not be allowed to smoke, and jump about on the tables at the institute, and Nicodemus agrees with what the lawyer proposes to do. N is a little bilious this week, owing to the big dinner on board the Hawea; but it was a galumptious feed, and he does not care how scon the “ Taupo” arrives. BOFFIN. We see by advertisements in the Star and Times that Boffin is convalescent. Gentlemen and ladies, don’t believe it. Nicodemus saw his burial, and described it, and unless Boffin had one of the new patent coffins, and rung an alarm, and was rescued by the sepulchral authorities, he cannot be alive. Now who is green enough to suppose that the sextonwould let Boffin get out of his coffin, even if he were to cry out ? Not he, he would jam down the earth as hard as ever he could. Therefore, we come to the conclusion that the man who has advertised himself as Boffin is an IMPOSTER, and even if he is not, what business has a man to turn up after being respectably hilled and buried by NXCOPEMUS,