LOAFER IN THE STREET.

Globe, Volume IV, Issue 328, 1 July 1875, Page 2

LOAFER IN THE STREET.

(From the Press ) The recent session of the Provincial Council has been a very eventful one. Wehave dropped one educational system and we have adopted another, by which I mean that the Board has passed away and a Minister has come to fake its place. We have also gone in for economy. We have decided to build some bridges and things, and have elected to build our public library on the cheap. Hon members have done some very curious things, and I feel sure your reporters will bear me out when I say that they have also said some very curious things. I have heard some myself; many, in fact ; but one statement of an hon member caps them all. His remark was the more remarkable in that it formed part of what was evidently a most carefully considered and well rehearsed speech. '1 he hon member in question is scarcely Demosthenic in his speeches as a rule. In point of fact he rarely speaks at all, but Education is a matter upon which all legislators feel bound to give their opinions, and consequently the gentleman in question spoke according to his lights. His speech was, I should say, very good indeed. If his H’s were wanting in words where one has been accustomed to look for them, they cropped up again in places where, let us say, the Board of Educe.*

tion would least expect to see them, and thus the letter H had fair play. I appreciated the speech, and the aspirations of the speaker, but at the close of a brilliant peroration ho observed : yjr, —lt has been observed that _in the multitude of counsellors there is—there is—(after a long pause, in which ho evidently thought he had caught the inspiration)—Wisdom, I respect the hon member and his views mostly, but I can’t stand bis quotations from Holy Writ. In the multitude of counsellors there may possibly oe safety, but not judging from onr experience wisdom. When the hon member referred to wants a text or a quotation to hang any remarks on, be might as well come to mo, I could give him plenty cither sacred or profane. . The railways seem progressing. they seem extending all round. Every time the rails are completed up to' a certain point we have a lunch, at which all the speeches tend to show what a go-ahead lot wc are. So we are. I venture to say there are very few young countries sufficiently enterprising to lay down a broad guage for miles and miles, and then take it up again and lay down narrow. We are trying different styles of engineering, that’s what we are at. Expense is no object. So much so that when the railroad is finished between this and Dunedin we shall most likely take up the narrowband give the broad guage another trial. Thus wc encourage trade. We may possibly decide by that time that there is nothing very much to be gained by locking the doors of the cars, and a good deal of time at any rate to be gained by not stopping every quarter of a mile as at present. This is not, however, what I was going to observe. 1 was about to tell yon a a little story of a distinguished official who lately (not being at the time very well known) had occasion to travel by the rail. On arriving, shall we say at Addington, he was asked for his ticket, and presented his pass. Some one asked the station master who it was, and he replied very audibly “ only another deadhead.” The sensations of the station master on hearing who the official was, may perhaps be imagined. I may say the “ official” was not an M.P.C. The gentlemen of that body who travel on their pass are quite familiar to all the guards, station masters, engineers, stokers, and porters connected with the Canterbury Railways.

I am I hope tolerably familiar with certain pages of the Prayer Book. I know a man must not marry his grandmother, which, considerthe advantages hanging on to a mother-in-law, appears almost an unnecessary statement. A man may now mostly marry his deceased wife’s sister, which may or may not be pleasant. Before giving ray ideas on the subject, I thould like to hear the views of some experienced man on the subject. Say a man who has married three or four sisters. Any benedict of this sort writing his experiences to me will meet with confidence and much respect from yours truly. Until then I shall not commit myself to any large extent except to remark that marriage is honorable in all, but sometimes very rarely you know, a failure. I like legal things in the matrimonial line though. Thus it is that I was much staggered (as it might be) to see lately that a brother had married a sister here. This surely was illegal, I hope they may be very happy, but there must be something wrong about it. I never could do such a thing myself. I learn from your columns that the rite of confirmation was lately administered to “ twenty-four young ladies and thirteen youths.” This paragraph is a little rough on the “ youths.” I have not the slightest doubt that the two dozen young women confirmed were all ladies, because —well, because I never yet met a young woman in Canterbury who did not consider herself a lady. (N.B —Perhaps you wouldn’t mind defining a lady; I get a bit mixed about it sometimes. Give an answer to *• A Constant Reader.”) I want, howev( r, to observe in reference to the youths that I expect they were also all gentlemen. I feel sure they are because —well, because I never met a man in Canterbury yet who did not consider himself a gentleman. The result of telling a man he is no gentleman is a punch between the eyes. Then you go home and buy some raw beef and apply It to your eyes, and you come out disfigured next morning, and think how mistaken you were in your estimate of a gentleman. If you were to [hint to a housemaid that she were not a lady, I could say with any amount of certainty what the result would be. I have never tried myself. I never intend to. I feel it would be better not to. I feel we are all ladies and gentlemen here. I should have left New Zealand long ago only for this. Have you seen the Fakir? And do you know how he does his tricks 1 I expect yon do. I don’t; but I know lots of men who tell me they do. When you go to an entertaimentof this sort it’s always best, I find, to say you know all about it. I find most people do. It wants rehearsing, though, because when you go to explain conjuring you may be asked to show your hand. The Fakir, unfortunately for himself, has been showing a new delusion. It consists of making hair grow “ wisibly afore your werry eyes.” It is a wonderful clever trick; but the Fakir wishes me to state that it is a delusion. His reason for doing so is that youths, or, I should say, young gentlemen, aged from twelve to sixteen, have hung about his path offering him. according to their means, untold wealth to discover the secret. He has also received letters from members of the fair sex, who only possess on an average say twenty-seven hairs on their head, and have naturally to purchase the remainder, begging him to divulge the recipe. He wishes me to say he would if he could, but he has sworn never to divulge snch things, and as his private life is rapidly becoming a burden to him, since he has exhibited this delusion (hair is only another word for delusion), he hopes that for the few remaining days he has left that those desirous of more hair will either buy it or come and find out the secret at the theatre. As to the beautiful entranced h dr, it has, I know, made many benedicts wish they were mesmerists. Mesmerism is a science we have not yet made enough of. I envy the Fakir his power. What a convenient thing it would be to leave a dun hanging up in the middle of Colombo street until ho receipted your bill, and what bliss and harmony it would bring to many families if a husband could leave his wife suspended in the drawing-room until she thought better of things generally. I’ve learned lots from the Fakir. The Licensing Acts are not quite what they should be. I could improve ou them myself. Their stringency in some clauses makes the Commissioners appear occasionally rather hard, but of coutse they must go by the Acts, At least they usually do. But

there have teen cases in which Comm is" sione ’S would seem to have granted licenses under, to say the least of it, peculiarly advantageous circumstances to the applicant. As an example, one Board of Cora tnissioners will hold that they cannot license a house because it is not quite completed, although the applicant undertakes to satisfy all requirements forthwith, and produces his plans ; while another Board will, and has granted an application to a person who is not yet the owner of any land available for the purpose, and the Commissioners kindly advise him which site would be most advantageous. How this last decision can be reconciled with the requirements of the Act of 1874, by which the police must furnish a description of the house, premises, and furniture, before the application can be heard, I can’t quite see. In the case alluded to a license was refused at the same meeting to an old resident in the neighborhood, who had endeavored to comply with the necessary conditions, and whose house was already, I believe, built and furnished. It seems funny, don’t it. For a province where so much money is spent on education we are not much to boast of. Business letters from opulent men here are shown to me sometimes in which the orthography is very shaky. They know probably when they sit down to write what they want to say, hut they don’t seem to know how to say it, and their spelling would drive your long enduring reader off his chump. But why need we expose our ignorance in such things as notice boards. “ Mangleing done here,” is quite common in Christchurch, and when the cathedral authorities spell business “ Buisness,” we cannot be said to be strong on our spelling. We shall improve, I expect, by and bye. You remember Mr Bartine. He was a Zampillcerostator. I’m not quite clear what that means, but Bartine was of that persuasion. He used to advertise himself as such in connection with walking on the ceiling. I hear he is now Prime Minister to the King of Burmah. He left these climes for the East. He performed before the above-named potentate, and Zarapilloerostated himself into the graces of the, king. He is, as I before observed, now Prime Minister of Burmah. I think Mr Knight might initiate his Educational career by introducing Zampillcerostation for the use of schools. It might lead to some of our boys being Premiers in Fiji or somewhere.

I am sorry not to have been able to visit the Hawea on Tuesday last. The lunch appears to have been good, and I like lunches. I venture to predict a very successful career for the Hawea. She seems to be a very perfect vessel, and I hope the jolly Wheeler will live long to command her. I observe in your description of this magnificent vessel, that “ abaft the ladder is a gentleman’s bathroom.” It will supply a want that has been long felt. And yet how few comparatively willmakeuseofit. Iknow somanynicepeople who dislike washing. It’s a horrible fact to face, but it may be useful to those interested in statistics to know that, out of eighteen men, regular lodgers in one house, none have bathed for six months, and my landlady seems to hold with Mr Sanley in Digby Grand,whohadn’t washed for fifty-seven years, except face and hands on Sabbath, and often not that. You might advocate cleanliness a little. It ain’t a bad thing.