LITERATURE.

Globe, Volume IV, Issue 317, 18 June 1875, Page 4

LITERATURE.

‘MAD AS A HATTER.’ (Old Saying.) ( Continued .) Any further conversation on our part was put an end to for the present by the gentleman whose hand was still on my shoulder asking in a quiet voice of a bystander, ‘ls this the other party ?’ and on receiving a reply in the affirmative, at once adding, ‘Well, then let us be going; you look to him, I’ll take charge of his’ (I thought he said ‘mad’) ‘friend.’ He then whistled, and to my exceeding disgust, who should drive up to the curb in answer to this summons, but our old friend the cabman, who grinned the while, opened the cab door, and stood by enjoying the fun evidently.

‘ Get in,’ said my new friend. * Get in ! Get in where ? and who the devil are you ?’ ‘ Oh, it’s all right, I am going to take you to your friends ; don’t alarm yourself, it’s all right.’ On hearing the well-known shibboleth, I naturally turned to Tomkins for an assurance that this was, although highly mysterious, at least true. For the first time during the evening. I found, from the lachrymose, crestfallen expression which rode uppermost above all his lacerated lineaments, that it was in reality all wrong. I saw, in short, that I must be my own champion, * May I ask you to have the goodness to explain what all this means,’ said I, in as imposing a voice as I could muster, to the man who seemed so resolved to accompany me, ‘Oh, certainly,’ and then, dropping his voice, and in a coaxing tone, as if addressing a fretful child, he said, ‘ we have found your hat; it’s in the cab. Do come along, they’ll be anxious. ’ It was evidently no time to remonstrate. A crowd of small, dirty, grinning gamins was already gathering; and, piously devoting my old hat to the deuce, I—‘Did, * I knew not wherefore, that which I was bid.’ I entered first, Tomkins next, and the two men immediately followed, when the treacherous Jehu at once slammed the door, and mounting his box, drove off at such speed that I conjectured, rightly enough, he was driving another horse, and for the matter of that another cab too. We hadn’t far to go, I had scarcely shaped my thoughts into words when the cab stopped bem-ath a gas lamp, and we all descended. A moment more confirmed my worst fears |; we were [being conveyed to a police station, and our Jcompanions were in reality detectives. ‘ A neat kettle of fish, this,’ I thought, the ludicrous side of the whole transaction (as I had nothing to fear) thrusting itself on me. Remember, both our hats were battered, Tomkins was tricked out in Sevendials fashion, or, to speak more correctly, Whitechapel costume; in addition to which his facial aspect was that of one fresh from a pugilistic encounter. We were allowed to sit down—a good sign, I thought—and I noticed that while my own particular detective was engaged in giving details, no doubt of ‘ information he had received,’ and so forth, the inspector from time to time looked at us with a rather comical expression. These stern functionaries do not, as a rule, indulge much in laughter, at least during business hours. I thought, however, that he would much have liked to engage in that forbidden pastime. At length, when a little transaction was quite completed, on which ‘ the office ’ had been engaged, I ventured to address M. le President.

‘When you are quite at leisure, sir, I should be glad’—this I thought was a sarcastic way of putting it— ‘ to be informed as to the reason of the quiet little drive and charming companionship’ (bowing to my captor) ‘ we have just been enjoying.’ ‘ Do you allude to your drive from Hammersmith ? ’ ‘ No, not exactly; only the supplementary portion of it.’ ‘ For a very good and kind reason I do assure you.’ ‘ But I don’t want any assurance; I demand to know as a right on what charge I and my friend have been brought and are detained in this place against our will. Perhaps you think I am drunk.’ ‘ Oh no, certainly not—not drunk.’ ‘ Mad perhaps’ —this I said as a bitter jest. There was no jest in his reply, though, which was grave enough in all conscience. ‘Well, we won’t say you are mad; let it satisfy you that you are brought here to bo taken care of; and if you will only be quiet, your detention will be of very short duration. Your friends have been communicated with ’ ‘ Who dares make, ’ I asked in a tremendour rage, ‘ any charge so preposterous as your behaviour implies ?’ ‘ I do, guvner, I do. It’s all right. Keep it dark,’ said a husky voice in the background. ‘ It’s me, Sam Hall, as druv ye. I told the detective as I’d been and taken up two escaped lunatics as smashed my cab ’ ‘ What!’ I roared. ‘ This is too monstrous. Do you mean to say that you intend detaining us here, Mr Inspector, at the instance of this drunken ruffian? 1 insist on leaving this vile place at once. ’ ‘Well, and so you shall, only do be patient. You would hardly like to promenade the streets with your friend with that masquerade costume and prize-fighter’s face.’ This was a poser. I certainly should

‘ At any rate,’ 1 said, trying to turn the enemy’s flank, ‘ here is my card, and—ch, what ?’ ‘Well, what is the matter now?’ asked the inspector, evidently glad of anything that would prolong the conversation peacefully till a given time. This was the matter. On feeling in my pocket for my card-case, not only was there nothing of the kind, but my pocket contained not one single vestige either of purse or any portable property whatever. As to poor Tomkins, he had been stripped (literally) and robbed of the very handkerchief with which he was protecting and concealing his dishonoured features. ‘ I have been robbed of my watch, chain, purse, and everything I had about me,’ I said ; ‘ that is what is the matter ; and my friend ’ ‘ Y our friend has apparently been robbing some one else,’ broke in the great man, with a humourous glance at Tomkins’ garments. ‘Not at all,’ said that downcast ally; ‘it was an exchange, and exchange is no robbery. ‘ All, I see ; and so you gave up a good suit, no doubt, for those rags—that was not a very sane act, was it ?’ ‘ You mean to say I am mad, too.’ ‘Oh dear, no. Pray don’t excite yourself, there is no harm intended you, young gentlemen ; on the contrary, you are evidently incapable of taking care of yourselves, and’— in a very decided voice— ‘ from sworn information laid againstj or concerning you, I should not be doing my duty either to yourselves or any one else if I allowed you to go without some responsible friend to take care of you'; we should have you naked next, and then matters would be worse still. ’ ‘ And about my property ?’ ‘Ha ! let us hear about your property. Richards, take a description of the gentlemen’s missing effects. Wasn’t there something about a hat?’ he added, maliciously glancing at our vile, battered head-gear. ‘ Hat! of course there was !’ broke in Tomkins, with an air of triumph. ‘ Why, the whole mystery lies in a hat. It is for that I have—Hulloa ! but where is it ? I had it in the cab,’ ‘ Had it; had what ?’ I asked somewhat testily. ‘ Why, confound it all, the object of our search. ’ ‘ That can’t be, because my detective has it—at least he told me so ’ We were engaged in this acrimonious squabble when another active and intelligent officer made his appearance—they had only just changed the beats—and then another, and again yet another, and, to my bewilderment and annoyance, every man of them brought in a diabolical-looking old chapeau, which would have disgraced a cowkeeper, Tomkins had contrived so well, what with his mystery and his keeping the matter dark, that he had convinced every policeman individually that we were both, if not raving madmen, at least in an advanced stage of idiocy or imbecility, and that any old tile would suffice to obtain the reward which he had munificently promised on its recovery. When I looked round, and beheld all this grove of hats, each more villainous-looking than the other, and all assembled, so to speak, in my honour, I began to have a faint suspicion that the inspector and the cabman and the detectives were right, and that I was really mad. As for Tomkins, I was certain about him; Colney Hatch or Hanwell was his proper abode, there could be no doubt of it. And the worst of it was that with every newly relieved officer, and every ‘ fresh ’ hat a wider grin distorted the features of all present, until, on the arrival of five more men in a bunch, each with a separate hat, a roar of laughter shook the abominable stone walls and roof to their foundation. No doubt I looked mad. I felt so; and when the newcomers turned from my glaring eyes to Tomkins’ confounded toggery, which they hadn’t seen before, the brutes stood and laughed till their sides shook and the tears ran down their eyes. Even the inspector was past holding in. It was at this supreme moment that the ‘ outer guard’ appeared, ushering in ‘ a lady. ’ She, too, carried a hat (in whitey-brown paper). I had no time for inspecting that though, for in one moment, with a passionate cry, my darling Araminta threw herself into my arms, and while reproaching, and sobbing, and weeping, and laughing, put the finish to the tableau vivant, and at the same time fortunately put an end to the guffawing of those detestable guardians of the peace—most of whom, doubtless thinking that their little game was now useless, incontinently absquatulated. It was the presence of a lady, no doubt too, which also restored the inspector to something like his accustomed gravity of demeanour. Addressing my dear spouse, he said:

* I presume, madam, this this gentleman, ’ —pointing to me— ‘ is your husband.’ ‘Of course he is. Every one knows that. ’

‘ Every one of your neighbours, you mean. You will excuse me asking you if—if, in short, he is—in fact, quite right in his head ?’

‘ I don’t understand you. ’ ‘ The man who drove him and his friend from—from Hammersmith, has sworn that they are both escaped lunatics -’ ‘ On, the wicked wretch! Why, he has been home to dinner every day since we were married, three years next Wednesday.’ ‘ What have you to say to that? Come forward, sir.’

‘Why,’ answered that treacherous driver of ours, • I only judged by the owdacious way they was a-goin’ on. What with what t’other one told me about an old ’at, and keeping of it dark, and the rest of it—Just look at him; if he ain’t mad, all I can say he oughter be.’ And truly there was in my poor friend’s outward man a very insane appearance. The inspector, too, whose doubts as to my sanity seemed to have been dispelled, evidently, on looking at Tomkins, was once more shaken in his opinion. He was silent for a few moments, and then, addressing my wife, said : ‘You see, these gentlemen have, to say the least, been acting in a rather mysterious manner, and I can scarcely be surprised at the impression they have left on more minds than one. They have only themselves to blame for any unpleasant consequences? I will just ask—Mr—Mr Tomkins, I think—a question or two. Pray, sir, what was your real object in driving, of all places on earth, to Petticoat Lane at this time of the evening ?’ {To he continued,)