MORE SCARED THAN HURT.

Globe, Volume III, Issue 298, 27 May 1875, Page 4

MORE SCARED THAN HURT.

(Wild Oats.) This little joke happened at Albany, N.Y. By-the-way, several little jokes have happened at Albany, on State House Hill, and a pretty expensive one is being played there now upon the commonwealth. But as this is not a political article, I will make no mention of the “ log-rolling” and other ingenious devices for making money out of building the new State House. The story has particular reference to the late temperance movement that should have done much better than it did. Of course the reader knows all about those battles that were fought; of the victories that were won; and something regarding the consternation which seized rum-sellers in nearly every portion of the country at large. There were wars and rumors of war ; and the rumors troubled the bottle-pluggers quite as much as the real warfare did, for it kept them in a perfect state of apprehension, lest a praying-band should swoop down upon them unawares, and shame them out of their disgraceful business. Jim Olowboy keeps a favorite resort on Broadway, and it is nicely masked by a cigar store, so that thirsty people can enter it on the pretence of getting some of the weed, when, in reality, they go in to hurry up the building of their coffins and future widow’s weeds. Clowboy’s place was no worse than hundreds of others, and a goodly number of people believed it much better; but the proprietor, with others in the same business, looked with considerable apprehension upon the woman’s temperance movement, and at every report of their progress in Ohio he would add a little more water to his stock-in-trade, but whether this was to guard against loss, or make his stock less effective must be guessed at. Well, at last rumors began to be circulated to the effect that the movement was about to be inaugurated at Albany. The papers gave reports of proceedings and wild guesses at what would probably be done by the temperance ladies of the capital city. Whether there was any foundation for these reports or not does not matter ; they had their effect upon the liquor dealers, and they gathered together for counsel. Beyond the passing of a few pompous resolutions, they did but little, however, and tacitly recommended each one to paddle his own canoe, if trouble approached them. And so they waited and watched, and read the papers, and heard rumors, and listened to what their customers had to say on the all-important subject. In the meantime, the temperance people were not idle. They knew there was trouble in the camp of the enemy, and they resolved to take advantage of it. Meetings were held, bands organised for the rough work, various kinds of pledges were prepared, and in many ways the cold water cause was advanced with much earnestness. One day a friend of Clowboy entered his place in a state of great excitement. ‘ What is it, Joe ? ’ asked he; * what’s up?’ * The women are,’ replied Joe. ‘You don’t say so.’ ‘ But I do, though. I have it right from head-quarters, and don’t make any mistake.’ ‘ Well, what is it ? ’ ‘ They have divided into companies of two, and each couple has been assigned a particular gin-mill, ’ ‘ Thunder and wax !’ exclaimed Clowboy. * It’s a fact; and I shouldn’t wonder if they made a concerted charge this very afternoon.’

‘Well, let’em. They’ll have a good job trying to chin me out of my business. I can tell ’em that.’ ‘ But you won’t be rude, will you ?’ * No; but I’ll give them to understand that 1 won’t stand any praying or psalmsinging in my place.’ At that moment two females entered the saloon, followed by about a dozen young fellows who had also heard the rumor reregarding what the ladies intended to do. The foremost was a tall, sedate-looking woman, plainly dressed, and wearing spectacles ; the other was evidently an inferior person, younger, and dressed more smartly. They both advanced to the bar, behind which Clowboy stood, while his friends gathered in a circle behind them. The elderly female approached the dumbfounded proprietor, and after gazing at him solemnly for a few moments, she sighed, and then turned her gaze upon the surrounding and rapidly-increasing crowd. Finally, she turned that solemn gaze upon Clowboy again. ‘ Is this a liquor store, sir?’ she asked, in a deep and awe inspiring tone of voice. ‘Yes, ma’am,’ said Clowboy, sternly; at which there was a tittering among his friends. The old lady turned a look of solemn inquiry upon them, but made no reply. Then she turned slowly to Clowboy again, saying—- ‘ You sell liquor here?’ ‘ Yes, ma’am,’ he snapped again. The old lady nodded, and carefully placed her huge umbrella upon the bar. Then she took her spectacles off and placed them beside it. By this time Clowboy was boiling over with rage; but one of his friends suggested that he keep cool, and see how the trial worked. ‘ I won’t have anything of the kind in my place ! ’ said he, striking the bar with his clenched fist; at which the old lady took up her spectacles, without saying a word or moving a muscle of her face, and again took a look at him. ‘Do you understand me, madam ? ’ he added to her. ‘This is a liquor store, is it not?’ she asked again. ‘ Yes, ma’am, it is, and a good one, too.’ Again the old lady nodded, and went down into the recesses of her pocket, as if in search of a hymn book or pledge, while the crowd gathered closer. ‘ Wall,’ said she, drawing forth a pint flask and setting it on the bar, ‘ give me a pint of your best gin.’ Such a shout was never heard in that barroom before, and poor Clowboy has spent hundreds of dollars trying to hush it up since then.

A belle doesn’t always give the best “tone’ to society. Two travellers were robbed in a wood and tied to trees. One of them in despair exclaimed, “ Oh, lam undone!” “Are you?” said the other, joyfully, “then I wish you would undo me.